dealing with our LO's anger

midge333

My DW have vascular dementia (sorry I can't use the acronym VD😂). About a year ago she became angry and has stayed that way. I spent every day trying to do things that would make her happy to no avail. I placed her in MC 3 months ago. She remains angry and upset with me. I visit her daily for about an hour. The first 30 minutes is good and then things begin to deteriorate. She is on citalopram and seroquel. She is cooperative with the staff for the most part. I really struggle with this. For those of you experiencing this, how do you deal with it? How does it impact you emotionally?

Russinator

((HUGS))

CindyBum

I'm so sorry, midge. That must be incredibly hard and upsetting.

My DW isn't angry, but now expresses mostly disappointment in me. Like you, I do so much to try and make her happy. In my head, I call her the "on-site supervisor and chief complainer", just to try and alleviate the hurt I sometimes feel from it. There are days it overwhelms me and others it doesn't, like so many behaviors.

Have you considered shortening your visits to 30 minutes?

Carl46

Sorry, Midge. It's her illness and there is nothing you or she can do to change it.

Emotionally, my wife's anger makes me angry in return, but I learned emotion control a long time ago so it doesn't show.

Since your visits trigger her anger, you might both be happier with shorter visits.

White Crane

midge, I haven't had to deal with too much anger but there have been others on the forum who have. Cindy's idea of only visiting for 30 minutes sounds good since you said she does pretty good for about that time. Also, you could leave as soon as the anger starts. And you might want to cut down your visits to three or four a week instead of every day. That might help you deal with the emotional tole this is taking on you. Another thing you might want to do is talk to her doctor about adjusting her medications or trying a different one. Sending hugs.

Brenda

SDianeL

you might try redirecting, distracting her or a treat. The facility where my husband was kept had ice cream handy for those moments. If she wants to go home, tell her OK when the doctor says so. I would visit during meals so he was occupied. Maybe don’t go every day. As others mentioned her medication might need adjusting. Try not to take it personally. It’s the terrible disease.

Bridge4

My DW is still at home in early stage 5. Her agitation and anger (aimed primarily at me as the 90%+ time caregiver) have steadily escalated in the last year despite medications. What I have learned from this group, lots of reading, and talking with a counselor, is that as her empathy and understanding have waned, I need to drastically ramp up my own emotional awareness and regulation. This has not been easy, but practice makes “perfect” I guess. A few of the most helpful keys I have tried to keep in mind are: 1) It’s not her, it’s the disease; 2) Find a “happy place” you can mentally escape to (say to yourself that this too shall pass) when she is senselessly escalating anger and accusations so you aren’t tempted to take the bait; 3) You MUST get help from others no matter how creative and persistent you need to be, because the anticipation of those breaks will help get you through the darkest of times; and 4) Take good care of yourself: sleep, diet, exercise, and social interaction with others will keep you strong to endure the trials and tribulations and may provide some comfort in knowing that your life is not over and you are empowered to keep writing your story during AND after your caregiver years.

JeriLynn66

I'm so sorry. I agree with decreasing the frequency and the length of time you visit. Also, consider if there is a particular time of day that seems more likely to produce a positive outcome. And a conversation with the physician about medications is also something I would explore.

For my late FIL, timing of visits was everything. I went in the mornings, after breakfast but before scheduled activities. Late afternoons were not the best times for visits. Sometimes I went to sit with him for lunch. He was never an angry person but the loops of conversations could be avoided if we were with others.