dealing with our LO's anger

midge333

My DW have vascular dementia (sorry I can't use the acronym VD😂). About a year ago she became angry and has stayed that way. I spent every day trying to do things that would make her happy to no avail. I placed her in MC 3 months ago. She remains angry and upset with me. I visit her daily for about an hour. The first 30 minutes is good and then things begin to deteriorate. She is on citalopram and seroquel. She is cooperative with the staff for the most part. I really struggle with this. For those of you experiencing this, how do you deal with it? How does it impact you emotionally?

Russinator

((HUGS))

CindyBum

I'm so sorry, midge. That must be incredibly hard and upsetting.

My DW isn't angry, but now expresses mostly disappointment in me. Like you, I do so much to try and make her happy. In my head, I call her the "on-site supervisor and chief complainer", just to try and alleviate the hurt I sometimes feel from it. There are days it overwhelms me and others it doesn't, like so many behaviors.

Have you considered shortening your visits to 30 minutes?

Carl46

Sorry, Midge. It's her illness and there is nothing you or she can do to change it.

Emotionally, my wife's anger makes me angry in return, but I learned emotion control a long time ago so it doesn't show.

Since your visits trigger her anger, you might both be happier with shorter visits.

White Crane

midge, I haven't had to deal with too much anger but there have been others on the forum who have. Cindy's idea of only visiting for 30 minutes sounds good since you said she does pretty good for about that time. Also, you could leave as soon as the anger starts. And you might want to cut down your visits to three or four a week instead of every day. That might help you deal with the emotional tole this is taking on you. Another thing you might want to do is talk to her doctor about adjusting her medications or trying a different one. Sending hugs.

Brenda

SDianeL

you might try redirecting, distracting her or a treat. The facility where my husband was kept had ice cream handy for those moments. If she wants to go home, tell her OK when the doctor says so. I would visit during meals so he was occupied. Maybe don’t go every day. As others mentioned her medication might need adjusting. Try not to take it personally. It’s the terrible disease.

Bridge4

My DW is still at home in early stage 5. Her agitation and anger (aimed primarily at me as the 90%+ time caregiver) have steadily escalated in the last year despite medications. What I have learned from this group, lots of reading, and talking with a counselor, is that as her empathy and understanding have waned, I need to drastically ramp up my own emotional awareness and regulation. This has not been easy, but practice makes “perfect” I guess. A few of the most helpful keys I have tried to keep in mind are: 1) It’s not her, it’s the disease; 2) Find a “happy place” you can mentally escape to (say to yourself that this too shall pass) when she is senselessly escalating anger and accusations so you aren’t tempted to take the bait; 3) You MUST get help from others no matter how creative and persistent you need to be, because the anticipation of those breaks will help get you through the darkest of times; and 4) Take good care of yourself: sleep, diet, exercise, and social interaction with others will keep you strong to endure the trials and tribulations and may provide some comfort in knowing that your life is not over and you are empowered to keep writing your story during AND after your caregiver years.

JeriLynn66

I'm so sorry. I agree with decreasing the frequency and the length of time you visit. Also, consider if there is a particular time of day that seems more likely to produce a positive outcome. And a conversation with the physician about medications is also something I would explore.

For my late FIL, timing of visits was everything. I went in the mornings, after breakfast but before scheduled activities. Late afternoons were not the best times for visits. Sometimes I went to sit with him for lunch. He was never an angry person but the loops of conversations could be avoided if we were with others.

farraf2001

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72520/dealing-with-our-los-anger

I think I have the same type of situation. My DW was placed in a nursing home several weeks ago. I visit her twice every day and spend hours there each time. She is delusional, has hallucinations, and cannot walk on her own. Whenever I visit her, she tells me she is going to get out of there and go "home". She wants me to help her leave. Whatever I say, or even if I am silent, she begins to get angry at me for not helping her leave. She is neutral to the residents there and sometimes talks to them without anger or very little anger. Her anger is mostly directed at me. She has gotten worse during the past few days. Now whenever I visit her, she is angry at me from the moment I arrive. Sometimes she hits me and yells loudly, and very often she tells me to "get out of here" or "leave". I usually go home then. It seems her anger is focused on me because I appear to her to not help her leave the place.

terei

You are trigger for her acting out. I would stay away for about a week + keep in touch with the facility to see how she is doing without your visits. Her agitation is not pleasant for her as well as for you. Just because you ‘think’ she wants you there does not mean that is factual

farraf2001

It has been about a month now since my DW has been in a nursing home. Her anger has increased. She is often angry with both the staff and the residents. She yells at them and cusses at them at times. It has gotten so bad that the other residents tend to avoid her at the dining room tables during meals.

I still visit her every day, although sometimes only once instead of twice, if she is very angry. Almost every time I visit, she begins to get angry at me and says I betrayed her by placing her in the nursing home. Sometimes she calls me a traitor. This is hard to get used to, because we have been together 33 years, and had a great relationship before her dementia started.

They try to give her meds, but don't always succeed. She is suspicious that they are putting them in her drinks of food.

I know that I am sometimes the source of her anger. However, when I am not there, the nurses report to me that she very often gets very angry at people there and sometimes even combative. Does anyone have a situation like this?