Do we tell mom we're going to be selling her house?

MH4Mom

My sister and I moved mom into an assisted living/memory care facility last August and we are now needing to sell her house to help pay for her care. She is probably in middle stages, but it's hard to pin down as I don't think it's straight up Alzheimer's, but more likely mini strokes. She has lots of confusion, frustration, anger, and some panic. Our inclination is to not tell her as it will likely upset her and she may even want to get involved. But we feel guilty not letting her know. Any thoughts and/or suggestions?

terei

There is no upside to telling her you are selling the house.

SusanB-dil

Hello and welcome -

No, we don't tell our LO anything that would upset them. Fiblets… If she asks, you could say the house is being worked on - a watermain break on that street, or electrical outage - whatever works.

Do tell her doc about the anger, frustration and panic, however, as there are meds that can dial that back without becoming zombied.

MIL has alz, but has mini-strokes (TIA's) due to secondary vascular dementia.

H1235

I am in a similar situation. I believe the best thing to do is whatever causes her the least amount of stress for your mom! Even now we are in a constant struggle with mom because she wants to go back to her house and sort through things, decided who gets what, pull weeds in the garden. She doesn’t want me to touch her house til she is gone( I have no right, it’s wrong). So I can understand the problems you might have if she insisted on making all the decisions. It may feel wrong and be very difficult for you, but is it worth easing your mind only to make it more difficult for her. My moms house is full full full and I don’t think I’m going to be able to get it cleaned out before she runs out of money. We will probably end up having to move her. Even if I could get it ready in time (by myself), my brother tells me if I sell the house ( I’m the one with the DPOA) he would tell mom. It feels like blackmail. I feel like he is more worried about his guilt and anxiety over keeping something from her, than the depression and anger mom would feel if she knew I sold it. Whatever you decide I hope you can come to a decision together. It will be so much easier that way.

Quilting brings calm

I woukd not tell her if you have the authority to sell it without her.

H1235- there are multiple small businesses in our area that advertise themselves as clean out companies. They will clean out the house for a fee ( or go no fee and make their money by selling the items). Once you’ve gotten what you and your brother want, and what you think you can sell … call one of those. That way you can at least get the house sold.

MH4Mom

Thank you for all the replies. There seems to be a consensus, which is really nice! :)

harshedbuzz

@MH4Mom

Coming in late, but ready to pile on.

It wasn't my plan, but we actually did this both ways. After we listed my parents' primary home for sale, mom— against my advice— told dad because she wasn't emotionally able to accept that he was no longer a partner with whom she could share. In the middle stages, some PWD are able to recall information that has a strong emotional impact like being told not to drive or having their home sold. I could have predicted that this would have gone badly, but it was worse than I anticipated. We only avoided a geripsych admission because we were able to find outpatient help and get his medication adjusted. This left a feeling of distrust and paranoia which made next steps even harder.

When we sold their place in Florida, I created a fiblet about renting it out for the season since he wouldn't be able to use it because of the appointments he had up north. He was happy with that. But he still didn't trust me and wanted to be certain I wasn't selling his house, so he insisted I log onto his laptop and go to the real estate listings for his Florida community as he'd long since lost the ability to use most devices. When I opened the site for him, his actual house popped up as a featured new listing. My heart sank, but he didn't even recognize it and scrolled past.

Guilt is not an appropriate word to describe what you're feeling. Sadness and regret perhaps. You aren't doing this to her, you are doing it for her.

HB

psg712

After my mom moved to AL near me, my sister and I went back to her town to clear out the house and put it on the market. Never told mom we were doing it. Several months later, when it was sold, she randomly told me that she was worried about "that house sitting empty by itself." She hadn't mentioned it since her move 6 months earlier!

Since she was worried about it, I told her that a nice lady wanted to move in. Mom brightened and said, "oh good! Somebody wants it!" It seemed to put her mind at ease. She has never talked about it again.

ARIL

It sounds as though you already know that your mom would be distressed, and since the sale must happen to ensure she is getting good care, there seems no need to discuss it. And there is no need for you to feel guilty about that. You are doing the mature, hard thing.

I do want to mention that people vary in their reactions, however, so knowing your LO is critical to deciding what to do. My father moved into MC near me last May; I cleared out his house in June (400 miles away from me) and it sold in August. I did tell him what I was going to do when I left for a week in June, and once in July I even (quickly) showed him the online listing for the house. He was most interested in knowing how much money he might get for it! I was surprised he was so calm, since he lived in that house for 48 years. But that’s how it went down for us. He hasn’t mentioned the house in months; when he talks about “home,” he seems to mean a whole range of things, sometimes his parents’ home, sometimes my current home (which he visits for occasional meals), sometimes his MC room, sometimes a heavenly home…

MH4Mom

Thank you for all the very thoughtful replies - I really appreciate them!

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238374#Comment_238374

I like how you said you aren’t doing this to her you are doing this for her.

I am also struggling with selling my lo home.

Thank you I needed to hear that.

ALCB

I had a similar question once about how to handle my grandmother forgetting that her brother is dead. I'll attach the link, as I got a lot of helpful replies. Like others have said, it's no longer about reality—it's about assessing what will make her the most comfortable in her world. After her safety, my most important task with caring for my grandmother is making her as comfortable as possible whenever possible. For your mother, that is no longer the harsh reality that she has to face. I know it's tricky to lie to her, but it's what'll make her happiest.

Here's the link for the discussion:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71550/what-to-do-when-my-grandmother-brings-up-her-dead-brother

Good luck, @MH4Mom .