Doubting my caregiving

JC5

posted tonight about how DH just won’t stay away from me with his awful cold - not Covid yay! Now have a sore throat headache sneezing and cannot take anything. I asked him why he can’t just stay upstairs so I don’t get sick and surprise he said he doesn’t want to. I am really feeling that I am not the best caregiver for him and I am not being as supportive as I should. And no , no one really wants to or has the time to step in to help. Suggestions?

sandwichone123

It's so sad when they lose their empathy. I mean, it's sad when they lose the ability to follow directions and to remember as well, but the loss of empathy hits particularly hard, particularly from the person that was once our closest and most intimate partner. I am so sorry.

You are being as supportive as you can. I think we hold ourselves to a fantasy standard and then beat ourselves up when we can't meet it. Please don't. Perfection is not a reasonable goal even when you don't have a sort throat and a headache and when your energy is not being spent on sneezing and the person you want to support is who brought you this. You are exceeding a reasonable expectation.

annie51

So sorry that you’re going through this. I can only offer empathy…no suggestions as I also have no back up help. I think we all question our caregiving support at one time or another - I was doing that quite a bit today.
Hope you’ll both recover quickly!

CindyBum

I couldn’t have said it better than sandwichone. You’re doing a remarkable job, JC. Your DH is lucky to have you as his caregiver.

BPS

I think feeling guilty about our care giving is part of this disease and also a sign that you are doing the best you can in a bad situation and that is all anyone can do.

CampCarol

You are doing a great job, and I’m so sorry this has happened. It’s so difficult to maintain sanity and patience with our loved ones at times, and now to have to deal with it all while sick makes you (and all caregivers in similar situations) a saint. Hang in there and do what you can to take care of yourself. We’re here for you!

Iris L.

PWD lose the understanding of "if...then". Example: If I am coughing and sneezing, then I can give my cold to someone else. It will probably be better to limit explaining and rationalizing.

Iris

SDianeL

so sorry you are sick. People with dementia can’t follow directions. There are several reasons why: first, their reasoner is broken Second, they don’t remember what you said 2 minutes ago and third, most have separation anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver so they stick close to you. You are doing a great job and he’s lucky to have you. Try whiskey, honey and lemon juice, equal parts, room temperature and sip every half hour and let drizzle down your throat. My Mom”s cure. Feel better fast. 💜

harshedbuzz

I'm so sorry. The very deficits associated with dementia— losses of executive function (Iris's "if—, then—" is executive function description is spot-on) and empathy— only serve to make it harder to be a compassionate caregiver 100% of the time.

HB