Caring for spouse

sharp cookie

my DH has EO dementia. He has an alcohol use disorder. He has guns as we live in the country and have chickens. He is 82 and I’m 83. I at a loss as to how to deal with everything and my family is worried about his gun use against me in his mental condition. I need help.

cdgbdr

Could some family remove them and then makes some excuse/story about where they went? That is pretty scary when he is also drinking.

Gator1976

Have a family member come over when he’s a sleep and take them all out of the house. Lock up any weapon (knives, billy clubs, hammers, cutting tools etc.) if he lays a hand on you call the police.

blacksparky

If you can’t get anyone to come over and remove the firearms, you can get an ERPO and have the police come and seize them. This is an emergency risk protection order that comes from a judge.

BPS

If you can't get them out of the house can you get a gun safe with a combination lock. He can feel good about having them but probably won't remember the combination. Then maybe you could tell him that you will have a lock smith come out but they busy and can't get there for a couple of weeks, and repeat.

sharp cookie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72553/caring-for-spouse

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238587#Comment_238587

He has always carried because he was a code enforcement officer for many towns for 25 yrs and he needs a gun because of bears as we have 30 chickens. I can get most of the guns (long) out to a relative but he will always want to have his pistol. He’s still cognizant most of the time but every day has different issues.

sharp cookie

Most of guns are in a safe but he has the combination. I’m trying to get most of them out to a relative.

H1235

I don’t know much about guns, but could the one he keeps be disabled somehow? Remove the firing pin( I think that sounds right)? You would want to make sure there were no replacement parts in the house just in case he were able to replace it himself. I still think it would be best to just take it away. We want our lo safe and happy. Sometimes we have to settle for safe. I can understand that if you take it away he is probably going to get upset. If that’s the case maybe it’s time for some medication. So many say I don’t want my lo to turn into a zombie. There are medications out there that can help without doing that. I hope you can find a solution that will keep you both safe.

harshedbuzz

@sharp cookie

I can certainly understand why your family is concerned for your safety given the intersection of dementia, alcohol use and firearms. I was the daughter in similar circumstances.

One point, you identify your DH as "EO"— do you mean "early onset" meaning he showed symptoms/was diagnosed before age 70 in which case he'd certainly be in later stages, or do you mean "early stage"? Does he have an alcohol-related dementia?

Reading between the lines, or perhaps projecting, it sounds like family is concerned for your wellbeing. Some PWD can be irritable or have false beliefs (delusions) which seem more common when alcohol is in the mix. He might need some medication to treat his mood; a geripsych would be best but his neurologist or PCP may be willing to prescribe. Meantime, you should have a fully charged cell phone on you at all times and a safe place you can go to behind a lock with egress to the outside.

The safest option would be immediate placement to protect you both. Even if you were to rid the house of all firearms and disarm him, he could weaponize any number of household objects (sports equipment, side tables, kitchen knives, or his bare hands) if confused or suffering from delusions. If you, or someone else calls for a well check or 911, and he meets them at the door with a weapon he will be shot.

Pa. Man, 84, Accused of Killing Wife in Argument Over Veterinary Bill

Is there some way you could get your DG out of the house, so the relative could move them for you? Do you have a plan to disappear the handgun?

HB

JDancer

I'll address the alcohol, as my stage 6 spouse is also an alcoholic. I enable his drinking for several reasons. I don't want to risk fatal seizures with withdrawal and his life is so empty, I can't force myself to take beer away. I put his daily ration in the fridge each day. He's still capable of helping himself. I try to discourage drinking too early in the day and drinking too quickly because he's lost when the daily ration is done. It's not the perfect solution, but it's the best I can do.

Maybe put trigger locks on the guns, it will be less obvious than removing them if you think he'll notice and get upset

SDianeL

you need to have all the guns removed regardless of how he would react. It’s too dangerous for him to have them. Take control now. You can’t expect him to be reasonable. Have a safe place in your home and a go bag packed with car keys. If you feel threatened, call for help and have him taken to the hospital and placed in the Geri psyche ward. Your life is in danger.

Carl46

I agree with Diane. There are at least five red flags in your post, all indicating you are in danger. Can your family give you a safe place to stay while he is being taken to a place where he can be safe? He needs help, for your sake and his (he will likely end up in a prison hospital if he shoots you or someone else).

jfkoc

I am not a country person but will still suggest…

get rid of the long guns

put blanks for the pistol..I am assuming the noise will shoo the bear. If your husband is drunk he will only wound it, right? Then what do you do.

buy non alchoholic beer

sharp cookie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238674#Comment_238674

unfortunately we live in the country and have chickens. When he goes out to close them up at night he needs protection from bears. Scat has been found near the coop and house and we have seen the bears. I know nothing about loading blanks or handling a gun. He would know of I tried to alter the gun. He’s a life long user of guns.

sharp cookie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238768#Comment_238768

he’s belligerent and will not accept help. He thinks he’s fine. I’m going to get rid of the long guns to a relative but he has several pistols. We have 2 vehicles and he goes to town for grain for the chickens and buys his own liquor.

sharp cookie

I’m trying to get him to his PA for a physical to get him diagnosed. I’m hoping he will then realize there are problems when the doctor tells him the test results. I’m hoping medication can then be given to calm him down but he’s worse when he drinks a lot. Some days he’s good and then the next day he’s not.

JDancer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238910#Comment_238910

I urge you to stop the driving and put the chickens to bed yourself. Lives, including your own, may depend on it.

Please reread my post about alcohol, something similar might work for you.

I want to warn you, it's unlikely that anything the doctor says will make a difference. Unfortunately, it's up to you. I'm sorry

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238911#Comment_238911

people with dementia will never realize they have a problem. There is a term for it agonosia. Not sure if I spelled it right. They can’t reason. You can’t reason with him. You need to take control. He needs to stop driving asap. He may get agitated but if he’s in an accident with dementia you could be sued and lose everything.