New Here - Caregiver Fatigue

JenG6670

Hi all. I’m a caregiver for my Mom who was diagnosed with slow progression Alzheimer’s but has since sped up. She can still maintain her daily hygiene, knows to eat, etc. Prior to being formally diagnosed, I was living out of state with my husband and then college bound son. I decided that it was best I moved, temporarily, back to my home state to help my parents. Fast forward 3 years later, an almost divorce from being away and extreme guilt of spending time away from my parents to keep my marriage afloat. I am at a point where my Dad is almost worse than my Mom as he has come to rely on me almost too much. I need to know they are taken care of and I would never tell them no, but I’m struggling with boundaries. My brother is not much help. Working full time in a job that I have some travel, my husband in another state and then making sure my parents are ok has made me feel like I’m drowning. Has anyone experienced this or does anyone have advice? My husband has a great job and leaving it at this point is his life would not be the best thing - that is why he didn’t make the move. Anyway, I just want to know if I’m being selfish for wanting to give the same time and effort to my marriage than I am to my parents. Like I said, the guilt feels like I’m drowning.

H1235

Welcome. In my opinion move your parents to a nice assisted living facility near you and get your life back in order. You are well past acceptable boundaries. You have gone above and beyond what any parent would or should expect of their child. Would your parents (if they were thinking clearly) really want you to put your life, family and marriage on hold to take care of them, not to mention your mental health. An assisted living facility offers a chance to see other people their age, activities and even just a reason to get dressed in the morning. You would finally have the opportunity to be their daughter and not the caregiver. A loved one in Al or memory care is still a lot of work. It’s not as though you drop them off and you’re done. Their bills need to be paid, you will need to consult with the doctor and Al facility on care, take care of any items they may need and visit. Selling their house will be hard! If they don’t want to move that will be even harder. But keep in mind they are probably not able to fully understand the situation (their limitations and care needs or your need to be with your husband). Very few are ever fully onboard with moving out of their home. People with dementia are not able to reason and use logic, you need to do that for them. You are caring for them now. You are the adult that needs to make the tough decisions. At some point you need to say no. Do you have a DPOA? If not I would suggest seeing an elder law attorney asap. I hope that wasn’t too harsh. You deserve to live your life and be happy.

bether00

I am so sorry you are going through this. You love all sides of your family. Giving yourself, your life and family love is not selfish. This stage of life for our parents is not forever, and you want to have a life you love when they leave this world. Figure out what would be best for you and your family, and start setting those boundaries. You will need to consistently set them, as it can be confusing for our parents or siblings if you’ve just always been the one who sacrifices yourself for them. It will be hard, but necessary to make it though what comes next.

psg712

Agree with the previous two posts. You are NOT selfish to tend to your marriage, you are aligning priorities with the vows you took on your wedding day. Three years away to care for your parents is above and beyond anyone's expectations.

I know how hard it is to move a parent out of familiar surroundings into a facility. If your brother is not on board with this idea, tell him that you are not prepared to lose your marriage to care for your parents, and that it is now his turn to look after them. Or he can pitch in on the work of organizing and moving them. I know that sounds harsh, but it's so easy for other siblings to sit back and let the one who is driven by guilt shoulder all of the responsibility. Maybe there are reasons he cannot help ... but that still doesn't obligate you to sacrifice your marriage to the needs of your parents.

ARIL

No, you are not being selfish. Not at all. I agree with H1235. If at all possible, help your parents move to AL near you. This is a heavy lift, I know, but it might be a satisfying resolution. You asked about others’ experiences: I too have had a multi-year long-distance caregiving experience (though I traveled a lot; I couldn’t move in); my parent is now in a good facility near me. This is still really hard, but so much better than before, and the situation with my job and my own family is worlds better.