My Mom

Briannamarie87

My Mom is 65 and showing all the signs of dementia. Her biggest one is she thinks her loving husband of 35 years is cheating on her. She’s making his life miserable. She’s always accusing him and being nasty. She refuses to even talk about the fact that she might have something wrong with her and won’t go to the doctors. She also decided that her life is so bad now since her “husband is cheating” that she has started to drink again. She has
been sober for 20 years! She would never have started if she was sound of mind.That is fueling the confusion big time and making things worse. It breaks my heart and I don’t know what to do for her. She doesn’t want to hear it and won’t accept any help. If anyone has any advice…please let me know. Thank you

H1235

Welcome. So sorry you are going through this. Anosognosia is a common symptom with dementia. It is the inability to recognize symptoms or even see their own limitations. There will be nothing you can say to convince her something is wrong! It will only cause you both to get upset (I’m telling you this from experience). How do you get her to the doctor? However you can. Being dishonest is ok. We call them fiblets. If it gets her the help she needs it’s worth it. Some tell their lo they need to see the doctor for insurance reasons (insurance will be lost if you don’t visit the doctor), just a regular check up, maybe she should have that mole looked at that she has been worrying about…. Anything but the truth, because she will never believe you. You will need to explain to her doctor what is going on. Doing that in front of her would probably not go over well (been there). I started sending the doctor a message through to online patient portal. Others have written notes and handed them to the doctor or a nurse before the appointment. I would tell the doctor all your concerns and why you are doing the note. I believe there is a type of dementia that is caused from alcoholism that can be treated to some extent. Hopefully harshedbuzz will chime in with some wisdom. I hope this helps.

Quilting brings calm

There are also other conditions that have similar symptoms to dementia that can be treated: low vitamin B, thyroid issues etc. make up anything to get her there:. ‘ I hear x can be caused by low vitamin B and that people get a monthly shot and it fixes it’. My step-dad did have that and he did get a monthly shot. In his case, he eventually was diagnosed with dementia too ( don’t tell her that).There are medications to help her mood.

As for you, welcome to the forum. If you can find the groups tab, there’s a new member group with all kinds of helpful information. We are here too, so ask or vent all you want

harshedbuzz

@Briannamarie87

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your dad needs to get 2 things done. He needs to see a lawyer— preferably an elder law specialist— to obtain POAs for your mom going forward and to name someone other than mom as his representitive. And he needs to get your mom diagnosed. There are conditions, including one linked to alcohol use, that mimic dementia but may be treatable and even reversible.

Suspicion and paranoia are pretty common dementia behaviors and can be dialed back with medication and validation strategies.

What I would suggest is to stop talking about "what is wrong with her". She likely has anosognosia and is unable to appreciate the degree to which she is incapacitated. The executive function needed to follow a reasoned debate disappears fairly early in dementia, so trying to reason with her serves only to trigger her suspicion. Get her to a doctor using a therapeutic lie of some sort— given her age, you might be able to spin this as a required Welcome to Medicare exam to keep her benefits. I would contact the doctor ahead of time with a list of symptoms and concerns. The electronic patient portal is great for this. Be sure to mention the history and current level of alcohol use as s/he may want to test for alcohol-related vitamin deficiencies. This should ideally avoid the need for you to throw mom under the bus during the appointment. When you go to the appointment with her, sit in the doctor's sightline so you can silently confirm/refute her answers when obtaining a history.

Good luck.
HB