When to move to memory care

Pat Coughlin

My wife periodically thinks I am her father from time to time. We can go days between the episodes, which can last until bedtime. Then she will wake up fine. My concern is that she will still recognize me from time to time after I move her. I will be absolutely heartbroken that I abandoned her. She does not wander, so I am comfortable keeping her with me right now. So where is the point when she will be better off in memory care?
At Coughlin

CampCarol

That is a really loaded question. I’m in the same boat trying to figure it out for my DH. My going in position was always if he was a danger to himself or to me. But as time has gone by, there are so many other variables to consider. I know now for example that I would be unable to care for him should he become fully incontinent. I also know that I am slowly starting to burn out on this journey. I’m struggling with self-care, although I am trying. Should I get sick, I may no longer have the choice whether or not to place him. What I do know is this: have a Plan “B” in place regardless of what you decide. This disease has so many unforeseen twists and turns; you need to look ahead and plan for as many eventualities as you can.

trottingalong

I think we all go through our individual journeys and make choices accordingly. There is no right or wrong answer. I wish you the best.

Pat Coughlin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239272#Comment_239272

one thing I have going for me is she doesn’t wander when she gets disoriented. We live in elderly housing, and I can count on someone asking if she needs help. You are spot on about no right or wrong answer.

Pat Coughlin

Plan “B” makes sense.

harshedbuzz

There are a lot of answers to when. Mostly, it boils down to when the move would be beneficial for either the caregiver or the PWD. IMO, "recognition" doesn't really play into the decision. By this I mean, there really isn't a hard line in the sand around the concept of recognition— many PWD don't know their spouse or adult child's relationship to them but know that their caregiver is the person who keeps them safe.

Sometimes it's when a PWD can get better care from professionals. This might be the case if the caregiver is not physically or emotionally able to handle the hands-on labor of toileting, incontinence care, hygiene, medication management and feeding while running the household and attending to their own health. Sometimes the PWD is noncooperative with a spouse because of relationship dynamics and will not allow care but will cooperate with professionals. Sometimes a PWD develops a fractured sleep pattern which leads to serious sleep deprivation in their caregiver. Some PWD do best where they have a structured schedule and activities to keep them engaged and not all caregivers are cut out to the cruise director.

HB

Carl46

Good advice above. I would also suggest you not think of it as "abandoning" your wife, unless you are contemplating leaving her in a highway rest area. Placement in memory care is more like helping her into a lifeboat when you are both drowning, but you could swim if you didn't have to hold her up.

Arrowhead

Her memory of you and who she thinks you are will not change just because she’s in memory care. Putting her there is not abandoning her, unless you never go to visit. Placing is usually not an easy decision and the reasons for it vary according to each unique set of circumstances. When her needs are greater than you can provide, for whatever reason, then it’s past time. I placed my wife 17 months ago and sometimes I still second guess my decision. When the time does come for you, do not feel guilty or selfish. In the long run, it will be better for both of you.

ImMaggieMae

You send a LO to Memory Care or a nursing home when you are no longer capable of caring for them at home. But it’s amazing how much you are capable of when you love someone.

jsps139_

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239284#Comment_239284

I like your definition of “abandoning.” It makes perfect sense, and I will definitely remember that when my DH reaches the point where he needs more help than I can give him. Thanks!

Pat Coughlin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239311#Comment_239311

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239284#Comment_239284

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239284#Comment_239284

I am definitely not abandoning her, but I am concerned she will think I am. So far, I can delay the decision until her condition worsens. She doesn’t wander and sleeps a lot. We eat in the facility dining room and they will deliver if she prefers.
Thanks for replying. This really helps.

Carl46

You are very welcome. Best wishes

Pat Coughlin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239302#Comment_239302

contact with you all is already helping. She and I shared everything and now it’s like I already lost her. It helps so much to connect, even in writing.