Planning first visit to memory care

Merla

I'm planning my first visit to see my parent in memory care. I'm out of state so it's a big endeavor. I'm traveling by myself without my family.

Besides visiting with my mom, The purpose of the trip is to check out the memory care facility, meet the staff and then check out the surrounding area to plan excursions with a caregiver.

I'm a little nervous. Any suggestions?

AmandaF

I find just after lunch is a good time to visit. I’d say keep it on the shorter side (my mom gets antsy after an hour or so), bring flowers/a treat/some photos to look at, and try to stay positive even if she’s not. It’s nice to bring a treat for the staff too, maybe a box of chocolate or something. Good luck, hope it goes well.

ARIL

Although my father lives near me now, for many months last year I was traveling to see him in a facility from several states away. So I hear you loud and clear when you say it’s a big endeavor!

I agree with AmandaF that right after lunch is a good time to show up. And that a brief visit is OK; it really depends on your own situation. When I was traveling to see my dad, I often stayed a full afternoon with him (3 hrs. or so), but he was in an earlier stage of the disease then. Now my visits can be frequent, but 45-60 minutes at a time is usually plenty. The key point here is that even though you have done all this traveling to get there, short visits may still be best for both you and her. You’re going to have to base that decision on what you know of her or what you see.

Introduce yourself to staff; talk with the facility leadership if you can. This helps cement the point that you care and you are involved even if you are mostly a voice on the phone for them.

Unless someone else is doing it, you will also need to spend time on a shopping trip to make sure your mom has sufficient supplies.

Also remember that your own well-being is also important. If you have friends in the area, schedule a meal with them. If not, then pick a restaurant you might like to try and treat yourself. Or go to a park or a museum or a coffee shop or whatever it is you might enjoy. Sit in the sun. Read a book. Take a walk. Schedule time for yourself. This is not selfish; you need to find ways to sustain yourself so you can be of help to your mom.

And yes to all of AmandaF’s suggestions. Looking at photos is hugely helpful for visits with my dad. I also help him to send cards to people. Now, I write a note based roughly on what he says, and he signs it; formerly I provided the cards and prepared the envelopes.

Hope it goes OK.

sandwichone123

I don't know how your mom's communication is, but you might to try avoiding all questions. Sometimes people with dementia feel anxiety if there are questions they can't answer.

That is, don't ask her what she had for lunch, don't ask about her night. Share observations: "I see (looking at the menu) they had Salisbury steak for lunch. I bet that was good." That allows her to answer, but doesn't put her on the spot. Don't ask, "do you remember that time…?" Try saying, "I was thinking about that time…."

I also agree that an hour is enough. Make plans to do other enjoyable things in the area.

Anonymousjpl123

Hi Merle a few suggestions:

• Remember dementia is progressive no matter where someone is. Try to not to judge the place by your mom’s state.
• Visit unannounced and watch how staff interact with residents. My mom’s MC, where she has been MUCH happier for 8 months, is less fancy but services are more comprehensive and staff are more skilled than the one she moved from. The staff treat residents like caring loved ones and they “get” dementia and know how to make things work smoothly. That’s what’s most important.
• Like others have said self care is KEY. Go with an open mind and remember this disease is what it is. Get centered in yourself first. Try to remember no matter what your goal is for your mom to be safe, clean, and cared for. You are doing the right thing by checking on her.

Safe travels and let us know how it goes.

nopost

Don't look for perfection. Don't look to try to go back in time .

Look for what is good right now . If she doesn't know you but says her daughter is a great high school student- that's great. That's you!

Mourning what is lost is pointless. Sad. Haunting, Stays with us forever , yes but…pointless.

I take the days in dementia-land as a bonus gift of time . Instead of a call saying our LO died without warning we have days months years to say good-bye , make amends in small ways - by caring giving- or arranging it or finding amends to us in their actions . Take each smile or thank you from them as them making the past right as best they can .

It's a fatal progressive disease. Can't change it. Can't change them .Only we can change to tuck away the past and look for the good in today.

Merla

I should have mentioned that she is stage 4 so very coherent for memory care.

Maybe I'm crazy but I was contemplating staying with her in her room because she has an unoccupied double room. The staff said I could stay the night a while back but I need to double check. However I booked a hotel across the street from the memory care which I can cancel.

The purpose of staying with her would be to really check the place out and get the full experience. I also want to maximize my time with my mom but also have time to check out the surrounding area for excursions with a caregiver.

I know you all are telling me not to have a long visit but maybe this was intended for people farther advanced with the disease. Her siblings take her out for the whole day to go to lunch and see their parents or play pickleball and they say it goes well.

I was going to take her out to lunch or dinner and go on scenic walks.

I have two weeks to plan it all.

ARIL

That scenario is different from what commenters were likely imagining. Your first post says you are “a little nervous.” If you’ll tell us why, we might be able to think through things with you.

Quilting brings calm

schedule appointments with the director and the nurse. Ask to have a tour as if you were a prospective client’s family. Ask the nurse how your mom is doing. Hang out while your mom attends an activity or is in the common room. See if residents or staff stop and talk to her. I would not stay the night in her room. You will need to relax and give yourself some quiet time in the hotel. Do however find out when visiting hours end and pop back in after supper. Evenings are most likely quiet time and the place will feel differently than during day shift hours. Same with weekends.

Merla

thanks for the advice. My parent is in memory care but is in a program for mild to moderate dementia so she is physically well, can do all her daily living activities and there is supposed to be activity programing for this level of impairment and they go on weekly excursions to local places so probably it's like assist living for people with cognitive issues

It a great idea to schedule meetings with leadership and get a tour.

I basically want to spend a lot of time at the facility so I can assess well the quality of care and how she is adapting and interacting with staff and other residents.

I'm nervous about the visit for my own personal reasons (leaving behind my own hectic life and a lot of responsibilities), taking a red eye flight which is probably going to be tiring, seeing my mom for the first time in 5 months, and wanting to accomplish a lot during this trip and not knowing when I'll be able to come back to visit and of course the unknowns of interacting with someone with dementia.

Ms Meg

See how many staff members there are. Watch how the other residents are being cared for and if they are just left alone in common areas with no staff members around. How does it smell? I agree, go during a meal and see what they are eating and how clean is it? Talk with all the staff members and see how they interact with your mom, and vice versa. My Dad is in a very nice, private pay facility- this is actually the second one where he has lived. I have had some not-so-great experiences in both places, so I need to keep on top of them. If the staff says things like, "I dont usually work this shift, I'm just filling in, or picking up extra hours" it may be a bad sign that they are understaffed. Look in the bathroom, see if there are signs that she has been showering, and check her bed linens to see if they are fresh. Dont be afraid to ask "when is laundry day?" and that will give you a better sense if they are keeping up or not. Remember the person in charge is a salesperson.

Merla

thanks for all the advice. It's hard to keep on top of the situation from a distance and my sibling didn't realize he needs to be more than just a visitor.

thankfully we have family visiting her so hey at least see the place. And according to my aunt, the place seems good ie clean, smells nice, residents appear clean, lots of natural light so at a superficial level it seems nice. However other family members are aghast because dementia is just not a pretty disease so the reality of severely impaired people is harsh and depressing. I've only seen very "nice" facilities and the reality is still jarring even after when people are well cared for.

I did set up meetings with everyone, director, social worker, nurse, operations and they were receptive to this. They also approved an overnight visit. I'm not sure if I'll do this or no but it's a good sign they approved it.

psg712

It sounds as if you have a good plan in place. The only part I would question is the overnight stay in her room. What do you hope to accomplish with this time? You and your mom both need good rest to keep up with the other activities you have planned. Staying the night will disrupt her routine and may not be restful for you if you are planning to keep an eye on the night staff.

Maybe separate your agenda into 2 main parts: checking out the facility and spending time together with your mom. I'd place more weight on the second one.

terei

I used to stay in my mom’s AL and MC room with her all the time. I basically came + went as I wanted to + made arrangements to eat with her there also. My family got to know the facility + the staff very well + I think my mom got better care because they knew we were coming + going all the time.

Merla

I'm hoping to make the trip easier on me and save some money on a hotel. I would like to get a lot of exposure to her facility at all hours.

I'm coming from out of state so I want to maximize time with her while still getting to see the facility.

Anonymousjpl123

@Merla the only I will say about the overnight vs hotel is that it may be really good for you to have somewhere to go to process your feelings and experience there . even a few hours can give you perspective , may help you think of questions you haven’t asked, etc. Maximizing your time means you are sharp and present, I think a hotel may help you maintain and do what you are hoping. I hope the trip goes well.

Merla

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240164#Comment_240164

Right, admittedly I'm going into this trip exhausted from my own life as I have so much going on right now. I have a lot of one off financial costs right so this is a big part of why I'm staying with her and using staying with family as a back up if it doesn't work out. My parent sleeps a ton at night so I'm hoping it's a restful trip. I'm trying to not be sad about her cognitive state bc honestly the truly sad part is yet to come So if she is relatively content and can enjoy some things in life then I should be happy. I also don't really feel like I've lost a close relationship bc she really wasn't close to any family in the past 5-10 years. She is actually the nicest she has ever been to me in my whole adult life and is generally quite pleasant so this is far better than I would have ever expected. So I'm really trying to stay positive and enjoy her last "good" years.