"Girlfriend" in Memory Care
DH has been in MC a little over 2 weeks, he just stopped packing up to go home every day, and seemed to be acclimating. Now, he is attached to a woman in MC! I know it happens often, and is supposedly innocent, but I have found them in his room. It is not so innocent. His wedding ring is missing, today, when I went to visit, they came up to me holding hands. I'm hurt and angry. How do you cope with this situation?
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Oh my, never thought that would happen, I’m so sorry. I think it’s best you discuss this with MC staff. It’s unacceptable behavior as far as I’m concerned. Even giving the circumstances. Best of luck!!!
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Thanks, I never thought it would either! Yesterday, when I walked in on them in his room, he was so sorry and contrite. Swore he would have nothing more to do with her. I put signs on the door to remind him we were married, with our picture. Today, the sign on the outside of the door was missing, and he was not sorry at all, in fact he was belligerent that I did not believe "nothing was going on"! I hate feeling this way and can't seem to let it go.
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I can imagine what a hurtful shock that would be. How devastating and anger producing. I don't know what stage your husband is or if he still recognizes you or knows who you are. Does he remember he is married? I hope staff can help discourage this. I can imagine how hard it was to decide when it's time to place your husband in MC…and now you have to navigate this. Very difficult and heartbreaking. I hope you can focus on the fact that he is no longer the guy you married. Same body but the mind has been irreparably damaged. Sending hugs and prayers to help you cope. Stay strong.
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I'm sorry, it will happen and does happen. When my DH,was in MC, he was one of 4 men and there were 10 ladies. Someone was always holding hands. When I got there my DH, at times was in the living area sitting on the couch holding Someone's hand. They never tried to hide this from me, because their minds it was OK. When they get to MC, chances are they don't realize it's wrong. I may be wrong but it brought me comfort, that he had a hand to hold. The nurses and ades protect them all. Hugs Zetta
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I am really trying to have your attitude, but at this point, I just want to cry.
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I got a call from DH’s MC a couple of months ago to tell me that he and a female resident had engaged in a mutual kiss. They assured me they were on top of it and would do their best to keep them apart. I sat down and cried. We’ve been married 57 years and he has never strayed. I posted about it on the forum and several people commented that this is a common occurrence. I saw them holding hands one day. As time has gone on though they seem to have forgotten about it and I think the infatuation has passed. I know it’s hard but try to remember that he doesn’t realize he’s hurting you and isn’t trying to hurt you. Just like my husband wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think he forgot he was married.
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Kathy, I totally understand. I know your emotions are all over the place. I had to go on antidepressants, and that helped. Talk to your doctor about antidepressants, if you have not already done that. You need to pick your own battles, and let some go. Your in my prayers. Hugs
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You aren't going to like this, and I'm not saying I agree with it, but a preacher friend who visited nursing homes a lot, once told me that the best thing for the spirits and attitudes and even health of nursing home residents is, are you ready? Romance. That belief may be a factor in the staff turning a blind eye to these relationships. My friend claimed he witnessed these romantic partners having new energy and being much more active socially and in regular exercise habits. Again, I am not condoning this, just something we don't normally think about.
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My spouse had a "girlfriend" in memory care. I really tried to have a good attitude and realize that he was happy to have someone to hold hands with. Every single time I would come visit he would introduce me to her, until I finally stopped coming close enough for him to do that. He still recognized me as "me," but he didn't see any problem with the situation. It bothered me more and more over time, until he was finally moved into another section. I haven't seen any sign that he misses her, but he still welcomes me gladly when I come.
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I wish they had another section! Were you able to accept this other woman?
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I knew she provided comfort for him, but I personally tried to stay at least 20 feet away. If they were not in sight when I arrived, I would ask staff to go find him, rather than looking myself. If they were sitting together, he would jump up as soon as he saw me, so it was just a matter of staying far enough away that he wouldn't introduce us again (shudder).
Accept? Hmmm…I accepted that she existed, but I didn't like it.
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I would talk to the staff. Talking to your DH doesn’t help. He can’t reason or understand or remember. It’s the disease. Discussing with him will only cause him anxiety. Tell the staff it upsets you and then let the staff handle it. So sorry. I know it hurts. Hugs.
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My wife is probably going to memory care pretty soon, and I kind of hope she does find someone to hold hands with. She has lost her job, her money, her car, her friends, her freedom, her books, her puzzles, and her hobbies. When she loses the privilege of living in her home with her husband, I would like her to have some sort of happiness.
I won't like it, but I don't like anything else about this disease either.
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The perspective for which you're hoping will be a blessing if you're able to embrace it when the time comes. You've captured the essence of this terrible inevitability in 3 sentences. I hope I'm able to recall it at some point in the future if necessary.
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I am thinking of asking staff to get him ready to go and I will take him outside of the unit to visit.
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I truly thought I could handle seeing him with another partner, I knew it was common in facilities. But when it happened, it was just another stab to the heart!
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My husband took up with a woman at MC within weeks. He even apologized to me for having found someone else. It broke my heart and made me furious. Over time that infatuation faded and was replaced by another one (a woman who thought he was her husband), which also faded. After that I would sometimes find someone else's shoes in his room, or he would be holding hands with someone when I arrived. It hurt less over time. I think they're trying to find some emotional comfort, and I understand that. It still feels like a betrayal at first.
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when my Dad was in memory care, he would sit holding g hands with a man me went to elementary school with. I am so glad he found warmth and comfort.
If he finds affection and co fort with another I will be very happy for him.
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I’m with @Carl46 as well. DH isn’t in memory care yet, but it’s rearing it’s ugly head and will most likely become reality later this year. It will absolutely break my heart should he connect with someone else, but anything that increases his comfort and/or wellbeing is ok in my book. He’s lost way too much already; I will learn to live with it.
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I'm trying to be okay with this. The past few times have been nice visits, no mention of the other woman . Last night, DH called me twice to tell me how much he loved me and hoped someday we could be together. Today, I brought in some meds for him from the pharmacy, an Easter card and some candies. I couldn't find him in the unit, so asked if they would check in the other woman's room. They brought him back to his room, disheveled, he stood in the door with a blank face and said they told me my wife was here. Oh boy, I gave him the card and candy and told him to go back to the woman. He said no, that's not right. I said it was time for me to go. He called and said he was sorry that I was upset, but not sorry about the woman. This roller coaster of emotions is unbearable, I hope I get over this soon!
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My heart goes out to you, Kathy.
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In my DW with ALZ of over 46 years is in an MC since January and for a while she wanted to visit a much older, more disabled man in his room but thankfully for SAFETY REASONS NO patient is allowed in to ANY other persons room - They MUST be in their own room or in the common area - This is a small facility in a small, rural Iowa town - Each patient is accompanied by a helper when going to the shower room - After a few reminders she hasn't had that problem….But now she's having other problems - I HATE this disease for all the reasons most all of us do.
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Carl46, You and I look at it in the same way.
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@KathyBol
I am sorry this is weighing on your heart.
I suspect it's one of those situations where however generous your spirit, you can't know the impact until you've lived it.
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I am sure this is extremely hard. It seems like a betrayal. It’s not a choice between you and her. His brain is broken and he doesn't see it as a betrayal because he no longer rationally understands what marriage means, or that he is married. It’s so hard to see the person in front of you and realize they are no longer the person you knew. The body looks like them, but the mind is no longer ‘them’. At least in terms of being the person you were married to. Once I realized that about my parents, it became easier to be objective about their situation. I sort of divorced myself from being their daughter and thought of myself as their advocate. You may have to think of it that way- you aren’t his wife other than legally, you are his advocate.
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This is not a betrayal. Alzheimer’s is doing this. I truly hope that if my husband were to find affection and comfort in memory car, I would cheer it on. . Why would I ask the staff to stop this? We would often find my dad who had AD holding holds with a fellow he had known since kindergarten.
Touch and affection helps. Sadly, this is not about us.3 -
So true, he is the love of my life. We had 22 wonderful years together, 18 married. We traveled extensively and were each other’s best friends. Intellectually, I know that the part of the brain where memories are is damaged. Emotionally, I’m so terribly sad that our love has been erased!
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Kathy, i am so sorry you are in this Hell with us. I don't mean to make you seem selfish, or to present myself as some sort of saint. I am just cursed with the ability to put myself in your husband's shoes. I hope you can find peace and acceptance of the situation life has put you in, and I am sure your husband still loves you as much as his illness will allow.
Since my earlier post, I have learned that I will not have a wife in MC after all. She has terminal cancer, and if she leaves our home it will be to a skilled nursing facility, not memory care. I am trying to see this as a mercy for her, but I'm not very happy.
God bless you and your husband.
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Carl, so sorry to hear of the cancer diagnosis on top of Alz. Prayers you find peace as you move through these last stages.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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