"Girlfriend" in Memory Care

KathyBol

DH has been in MC a little over 2 weeks, he just stopped packing up to go home every day, and seemed to be acclimating. Now, he is attached to a woman in MC! I know it happens often, and is supposedly innocent, but I have found them in his room. It is not so innocent. His wedding ring is missing, today, when I went to visit, they came up to me holding hands. I'm hurt and angry. How do you cope with this situation?

Gator1976

Oh my, never thought that would happen, I’m so sorry. I think it’s best you discuss this with MC staff. It’s unacceptable behavior as far as I’m concerned. Even giving the circumstances. Best of luck!!!

KathyBol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239535#Comment_239535

Thanks, I never thought it would either! Yesterday, when I walked in on them in his room, he was so sorry and contrite. Swore he would have nothing more to do with her. I put signs on the door to remind him we were married, with our picture. Today, the sign on the outside of the door was missing, and he was not sorry at all, in fact he was belligerent that I did not believe "nothing was going on"! I hate feeling this way and can't seem to let it go.

RetiredTeacher

I can imagine what a hurtful shock that would be. How devastating and anger producing. I don't know what stage your husband is or if he still recognizes you or knows who you are. Does he remember he is married? I hope staff can help discourage this. I can imagine how hard it was to decide when it's time to place your husband in MC…and now you have to navigate this. Very difficult and heartbreaking. I hope you can focus on the fact that he is no longer the guy you married. Same body but the mind has been irreparably damaged. Sending hugs and prayers to help you cope. Stay strong.

ladyzetta

I'm sorry, it will happen and does happen. When my DH,was in MC, he was one of 4 men and there were 10 ladies. Someone was always holding hands. When I got there my DH, at times was in the living area sitting on the couch holding Someone's hand. They never tried to hide this from me, because their minds it was OK. When they get to MC, chances are they don't realize it's wrong. I may be wrong but it brought me comfort, that he had a hand to hold. The nurses and ades protect them all. Hugs Zetta

KathyBol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239540#Comment_239540

I am really trying to have your attitude, but at this point, I just want to cry.

White Crane

I got a call from DH’s MC a couple of months ago to tell me that he and a female resident had engaged in a mutual kiss. They assured me they were on top of it and would do their best to keep them apart. I sat down and cried. We’ve been married 57 years and he has never strayed. I posted about it on the forum and several people commented that this is a common occurrence. I saw them holding hands one day. As time has gone on though they seem to have forgotten about it and I think the infatuation has passed. I know it’s hard but try to remember that he doesn’t realize he’s hurting you and isn’t trying to hurt you. Just like my husband wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think he forgot he was married.

ladyzetta

Kathy, I totally understand. I know your emotions are all over the place. I had to go on antidepressants, and that helped. Talk to your doctor about antidepressants, if you have not already done that. You need to pick your own battles, and let some go. Your in my prayers. Hugs

Chris20cm

You aren't going to like this, and I'm not saying I agree with it, but a preacher friend who visited nursing homes a lot, once told me that the best thing for the spirits and attitudes and even health of nursing home residents is, are you ready? Romance. That belief may be a factor in the staff turning a blind eye to these relationships. My friend claimed he witnessed these romantic partners having new energy and being much more active socially and in regular exercise habits. Again, I am not condoning this, just something we don't normally think about.

sandwichone123

My spouse had a "girlfriend" in memory care. I really tried to have a good attitude and realize that he was happy to have someone to hold hands with. Every single time I would come visit he would introduce me to her, until I finally stopped coming close enough for him to do that. He still recognized me as "me," but he didn't see any problem with the situation. It bothered me more and more over time, until he was finally moved into another section. I haven't seen any sign that he misses her, but he still welcomes me gladly when I come.

KathyBol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239556#Comment_239556

I wish they had another section! Were you able to accept this other woman?

sandwichone123

I knew she provided comfort for him, but I personally tried to stay at least 20 feet away. If they were not in sight when I arrived, I would ask staff to go find him, rather than looking myself. If they were sitting together, he would jump up as soon as he saw me, so it was just a matter of staying far enough away that he wouldn't introduce us again (shudder).

Accept? Hmmm…I accepted that she existed, but I didn't like it.

SDianeL

I would talk to the staff. Talking to your DH doesn’t help. He can’t reason or understand or remember. It’s the disease. Discussing with him will only cause him anxiety. Tell the staff it upsets you and then let the staff handle it. So sorry. I know it hurts. Hugs.

Carl46

My wife is probably going to memory care pretty soon, and I kind of hope she does find someone to hold hands with. She has lost her job, her money, her car, her friends, her freedom, her books, her puzzles, and her hobbies. When she loses the privilege of living in her home with her husband, I would like her to have some sort of happiness.

I won't like it, but I don't like anything else about this disease either.

bjt84

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239578#Comment_239578

The perspective for which you're hoping will be a blessing if you're able to embrace it when the time comes. You've captured the essence of this terrible inevitability in 3 sentences. I hope I'm able to recall it at some point in the future if necessary.

KathyBol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239567#Comment_239567

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239567#Comment_239567

I am thinking of asking staff to get him ready to go and I will take him outside of the unit to visit.

KathyBol

I truly thought I could handle seeing him with another partner, I knew it was common in facilities. But when it happened, it was just another stab to the heart!

Jazzma

My husband took up with a woman at MC within weeks. He even apologized to me for having found someone else. It broke my heart and made me furious. Over time that infatuation faded and was replaced by another one (a woman who thought he was her husband), which also faded. After that I would sometimes find someone else's shoes in his room, or he would be holding hands with someone when I arrived. It hurt less over time. I think they're trying to find some emotional comfort, and I understand that. It still feels like a betrayal at first.

midge333

I am with @Carl46 . If it gives my DW some comfort and happiness, then I am all for it. Will it upset me? Yes, I am sure it will. She intermittently does not know who I am so what does it really matter? Dementia has already robbed her of nearly everything...

upstateAnn

when my Dad was in memory care, he would sit holding g hands with a man me went to elementary school with. I am so glad he found warmth and comfort.

If he finds affection and co fort with another I will be very happy for him.

CampCarol

I’m with @Carl46 as well. DH isn’t in memory care yet, but it’s rearing it’s ugly head and will most likely become reality later this year. It will absolutely break my heart should he connect with someone else, but anything that increases his comfort and/or wellbeing is ok in my book. He’s lost way too much already; I will learn to live with it.