Spouse prone to anger if I disagree

njf11

My spouse might be angry about a person or incident and insist that I give her a simple yes or no as to whether I agree with her. I cannot in good conscience agree but if I don’t I know she will be very agitated and angry at me. Or she might be demanding that I tell her I will do something very important to her when I’m very opposed and with respect to which there’s no negotiation. Any ideas on how to handle?

hiya

it’s really tough but it’s best not to disagree with a person with dementia. They can’t reason or understand and believe what they think..you can’t change their mind. If you can’t agree, find a way to not disagree. I use phrases like, I’m not sure but I’ll find out tomorrow, I didn’t see that but I’ll be in the lookout, thank you for telling me. It very hard to do this but as time goes on, you get somewhat used to it. It’s a roller coaster road but come to this site often: it’s full of knowledge and support.

terei

Never disagree. ‘I am going to jump off a cliff’. Answer: You are? Huh. do you know where there are any cliffs? Let’s see if I can find my old map …I’m sure it’s around here. Let’s have an ice cream first + I will look for it.’

There are many (manipulative ways to get a PWD to get onto a different subject or forget their train of thought.

sandwichone123

Step one is lie: you're right. Step two is find a way that they're right: you're right, you will have conniption if I don't say this, so that is right. Then don't say the quiet part out loud. Agree to do something, but "not today." Maybe after we get the car fixed, or on the weekend, or after we're feeling better.

More importantly, make sure your legal affairs are in order so that things can be managed correctly without involving them.

dangardner

Here are some suggestions from an AI-powered caregiver guide that I built (carecompanion.online).
>>My spouse might be angry about a person or incident and insist that I give her a simple yes or no as to whether I agree with her. I cannot in good conscience agree but if I don’t I know she will be very agitated and angry at me. Or she might be demanding that I tell her I will do something very important to her when I’m very opposed and with respect to which there’s no negotiation. Any ideas on how to handle?

I can sense that you're in a challenging situation where balancing your spouse's emotions with your own beliefs is tough. It’s completely understandable to feel conflicted about wanting to maintain harmony while also staying true to your values.

One approach that many caregivers find helpful is to use empathetic communication. You might say something like, “I understand that this is really important to you, and I want to support you. However, I have some concerns about it that I need to share.” This way, you acknowledge her feelings while also expressing your own perspective.

Here are some phrases you could consider using:

“I hear that this is really important to you, and I want to understand why it matters so much.”
“I can see you’re feeling strongly about this, and I want to support you, but I have some reservations.”
“Let’s talk about what’s bothering you and see if we can find a middle ground that respects both our feelings.”
“I care about your feelings, but I also need to be honest about my thoughts on this.”
“Can we discuss this further? I want to make sure we both feel heard in this conversation.”
“I appreciate how much this means to you, and I want to work through my feelings together.”
It's essential to create a space for open dialogue where both of you can express your feelings without judgment. This might help ease tension and foster understanding between you both.
>>

Bridge4

This behavior is so frustrating. I agree with empathetic statements and using fiblets as a way to keep the peace. But when your PWD has a history of narcissism, being argumentative, and anger management issues before dementia, it is hard to look past these attacks, and especially hard when they ask you to support their meanness and unwarranted criticism of others. The “say yes or say no” condescension is particularly galling because it almost certainly means that they understand we are trying to talk our way around their aberrant behavior and they have clarity enough to want to enroll us as their ally. When redirecting doesn’t work, I will go silent or make an excuse to leave the room. That just sets off more anger, but I refuse to condone ignorant personal attacks on others.

H1235

It is so hard, but there is no reasoning with a person with dementia. There is no way you can explain why you can’t do something that they will understand. I know some people feel it is morally wrong to lie, in my opinion it is wrong to cause them stress and upset by telling the truth. If you just can’t agree with her I think changing the subject, redirecting or giving some kind of vague noncommittal answer is best. You have been given some great examples above.

harshedbuzz

@njf11

Hi and welcome. A am sorry for the reason you are here, but pleased you found this place.

I initially struggled with the need to acquiesce to one of dad's ugly dementia-fueled beliefs but quickly realized that validating the emotion he felt in the moment was a powerful tool for manipulating his emotions when he could no longer could because of his delusions.

A PWD can't adapt, so it is on the caregiver to. IMO, once you enter Dementialand it is more important to be kind than honest. It took me a while to get to a place where I was comfortable with this. Dad could be very accusatory.

For a time, he was stuck on the notion that I had somehow swindled $360K from him. Rookie-me tried in vain to convince him otherwise; he'd actually lost that amount playing the market in the early stages of the disease. The smarter folks here encouraged me to apologize which really chapped my @ss. One afternoon when I was surreptitiously recording his meltdown to show his geripsych in a bid to get his medication adjusted, I apologized. I said something like I was sorry and I wouldn't ever steal again. And it worked. All his anger drained, and he changed the subject.

One piece that helped me (and my mom who was later to the party than I) was this—

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Medication to help dad be less delusional and reactive helped a lot as well. One aspect of dementia is that while so much is lost, emotional intelligence and the ability to experience strong emotion (with the the reasoning skills to work through it) remains well into the disease progression.

HB

SDianeL

2 other resources that will help: the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search for Tam Cummings videos on YouTube. Learn all you can about the disease and how to use fibs, distraction and redirection. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. It’s OK to fib to her to keep anxiety and agitation low for both your sakes.

terei

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239668#Comment_239668

I read this and thought ‘ I do not have time for this.’ I’m sure this approach might work with some PWD, but I found that agreement plus redirection worked much faster with less stress for me and probably my LO. This type of dialogue would have confused my mother even more than she was already.