Difficult sibling

H1235

I probably already have a post with this title. My brother visits mom once a week and is kind and caring towards her. But! He dumps all his personal problems on her ( she worries constantly). He believes she should be informed and consulted on almost everything. He is obsessed with her “rights” even at the cost of her health. He does nothing to educate himself on dementia, Medicaid or really anything about this nightmare. I have visited several facilities and invited him to any meetings I might have throughout all of this. He never attends. I am DPOA and try to include him in all decisions and go out of my way to explain all the information I have found regarding whatever is happening (I personally feel that is the right thing to do, I would want to be involved if he was DPOA and I try to treat him the way I would want to be treated). He usually defers all the big decisions to me then blame me if things don’t go well or claims I’m pushy and didn’t give him any choice. Mom is a hoarder and he has done almost nothing to help me with her house. When I told him I’m putting in at least 20 hours a week between her house, consulting with doctors, purchasing medication and supplies and paying bills,(I’m retired) his response was oh well I could never do that. Why is his time more valuable than mine just because I’m retired. When we moved mom to assisted living he told mom “well I guess we just have to trust her”. He told me if I sell moms house he will tell her. Mom of course blames me for all the freedom I have taken from her(in an effort to keep her safe and protect her finances). My brother on the other hand can do no wrong. I have tried over and over to include him, work with him, explain things he doesn’t understand. I am worn out. He is 100 fold more difficult and stressful to deal with than my mom with dementia. I am at my wits end. I need to find a new approach. I think my plan is to take a similar approach as I do with mom. I’m going to stop trying to explain things/ reason with him, stop expecting help, accept that I can not control what he says to mom and expect that what ever goes wrong he will blame on me. I keep holding out hope that he will help and work with me. I thinks it time to wake up and realize that is never going to happen. Somehow it feels better to just get this out. Sorry for the rant.

Quilting brings calm

Yes-stop. Stop telling him anything, stop asking for his input. When he complains that he isn’t included, just point out that being included requires him to devote that same 20 hours a week as you. As POA, you aren’t required to tell him a thing - you are required to act in her best interest. Informing him has been shown to NOT be in her best interest because he then ramps up her anxiety.
In addition, you are not required to discuss the sale of her house with him ( or your mom either). Unless the POA is written in such a way that you do Just tell him he has x weeks to get his stuff out of the house… because of needed repairs, etc.
It’s hard to get to the point that you write off a family member, but life is less stressful once you do. Those of us that have had no help and/or interference from family members for years have often ended up estranged from them … because it was actually less stressful to do so and we were tired of being treated badly by people who were supposed to be doing their share.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239624#Comment_239624

He has a key to the house. If I were to change the locks all he## would break loose. There is no way I could sell the house without him knowing, he lives blocks from her house. Either way he would tell mom. If he could muster up the ambition he might even try taking me to court, not that he would have a leg to stand on, but I don’t need that on top of everything else. Mom doesn’t like me much now, I can’t even imagine how bad it would be if he told her. Her memory isn’t bad so there would be no recovery because she forgot the next day. There is no doubt in my mind her mental health would be drastically impacted by this. I don’t think she would ever speak to me again and I’m not exaggerating. A restraining order would be going way too far. Mom loves her son and I can’t take him away from her. There is no doubt in my mind, when this is all over I will never speak with him again. Thanks for helping to confirm I’m on the right track here.

ARIL

You are thoughtful and reasonable, and your mother is fortunate to have you as DPOA. You are right: stop. Your brother is childish and unhelpful, and you cannot control him or the dynamic between him and your mother. He is not going to help; he is not going to grow up overnight. You will continue to do what is best for your mom—and for yourself. You will continue to treat him ethically, because that’s who you are. You will act in ways consistent with your values and your responsibilities, but you will stop trying to accomplish the impossible. You are doing well.

BryanStockman

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72658/difficult-sibling

I have the same brother and situation

We are in the process of putting my dad in a facility

My brother has only visited my parents twice since thanks giving and has told me he wants nothing to do with anything

But when he sees my dad he tells him he doesn’t know why we moved him in with us he could easily live in his own

So that keeps my dad mad all the time

So anyway I sent a message to my brother if he wants to visit my dad it will only be allowed if supervised by a social worker to keep him from lying and making dad mad just to get back at me

This might help you too

But make him set it up himself don’t schedule it for him

Also you can set this up with the facility so he can’t sneak in

It sounds mean but sadly I have found out being a care giver sometimes means cutting toxic people out of your life

Even family