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MissyT

I am caring for my DH who has had cognitive decline over the past 4 yrs. As I write this, I can't believe it's been that long. I am trying to abide by the rules, however find myself breaking the rules, especially when I am in the middle of something, (like doing taxes today). He has alcohol dependance with a dementia / vascular/ Alzeheimer's. Sometimes I get so angry with his continued insistance on drinking. Beer is his "go to" just about daily. I have finally told him his truck keys are lost to avoid him taking off behind my back to go get beer. I have read other entries related to this issue and tried the substitue of non alcholic beer, however he knows his beer and will dump out what I give him and get another one that he has picked up. I know he shouldn't be drinking with his meds, etc, and am at a loss…do I just let him continue to drink. If I don't take him to pick up beer, he gets very agitated and if I do, I feel guilty for giving in to him. Now, I feel guilty about holding his keys, however I know I can't let him drink and drive.

The newest issue is he now is having severe hip pain, ortho says he will probably need a hip replacement. First we are doing an intra articular injection to maybe postpone the surgery decision. He can't remember that this is scheduled and keeps saying he has a pinched nerve in his hip and can't figure out what is wrong. I will tell him and he will continue to ask, but what is wrong with my hip. Has anyone else gone through this issue of needing a joint replacement while having dementia? I am fearful of the anesthesia making things worse and of caring for him during a rehab timeframe when he probably won't remember he has had surgery. I am also fearful of withdrawl from alcohol at this time???

Ok, I feel some better just getting this off my chest.

Denise1847

Hi Missy, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in a tough place. Do you have a POA? I sure hope so. If not, see if you can get one. He may be too far gone cognitively to sign, but it is worth the try. My DH had knee surgery and did quite well. They did a block with some sedation so it wasn't general anesthesia. That should help with the side effects of the anesthesia. You need to protect yourself financially, physically and mentally. You have to find a way to stop him from driving. If he gets in an accident, you could be at great risk of losing everything. Please talk to your doctor about getting meds for his agitation and to help him with alcohol withdraw. My doctors repeatedly warned me to be careful as PWD can get violent. There comes a point in our caregiver journey when you really have to ask yourself how much more can you take and what can you do to protect yourself. You are a person, with the right for a quality life, and you cannot save someone who will continually be self-destructive. Stop feeling guilty. I am the queen of guilt so I know. You are the only one in the relationship who can make good decisions. It is sometimes hard to discern guilt versus empathy for such an awful disease, addiction and pain. You did not create this situation and really cannot fix it if he doesn't help himself. Did I mention that I lived with an alcoholic father who ultimately cause his own demise. Please make choices and they will have consequences. You should not suffer guilt etc. for his choices. I am sorry if I am being a bit tough, but I want you to speak up and step up for yourself. You are deserving.

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz will be along to offer advice as her dad had alcohol dependence and eventually went into a facility.

Do you have legal POA and medical POA? Have you consulted with a certified elder care lawyer to structure your finances should he need long term care?

I think you need to communicate with the surgeon about 1) his alcohol dependence and 2) his dementia. He’s not really a great candidate for hip replacement because he won’t be able to do the at home rehab exercises between rehab sessions. He will at the least need rehab as an in-patient.

MissyT

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239832#Comment_239832

I do have POA. It is hard because he hasn't always been like this. We've been married 36 years of which most were good, but since his diagnosis, everything is changing. I know he is different because of the diagnosis, but I guess I get frustrated with the escalation of drinking. I have the truck keys and he has not been driving for the past couple of months now (each time he wants beer, and he can't find his keys, he states "I cant find my keys and I just say they are lost"). It is so sad to see someone that was so successful in life, looking up on the phone who the president is and looking up past people only to find out they have died… He was great with the computer and now he has to ask me how to work the remote and features on his phone. He no longer will pick up the phone when anyone calls without me right there and no longer uses email.

I am investigating a respite program and have been getting up early to get things done as he usually sleeps in. He wants me right beside him after dinner on the couch and will fall asleep (usually early). I can leave him alone short periods of time in the am, but that is becoming more difficult as well as he won't remember where I am and will call or text repeatedly inquiring where did I go…

BPS

As far as the drinking goes I think there will be many different thoughts but I have to stories. My dad was a heavy drinker for years. He did not have dementia but he did have cancer. He should not have been drinking with the meds but he was very insistent so I decided that since he was not going to get better I would get him his alcohol. I got him less then he wanted but I would go get more the next day when he ran out. My mom did not drink as much but she did have wine everyday. She did have dementia and when she moved into memory care they said I could bring a bottle of wine in and have a glass with her but she never asked and we never offered. The alcohol is bad but if it makes things easier and he don't get mean when he drinks even though it will probably shorten his life it may make what life he has more comfortable for both of you. If he gets mean when drinking then the most important thing is you have to do what ever it takes to stay safe and you need to not feel guilty for protecting yourself. Not feeling guilty is very easy to say but very hard to do.

Marchbanks

Virtual hugs from me. I completely understand. Last year before I got a diagnosis for my DH I was convinced he was becoming an alcoholic and it led to many arguments. He was binge drinking and driving. Nothing could stop him. If I didn’t buy the beer he would drive to get it or walk to the corner store. Fast forward to today and he is only having one or two beers occasionally and he is no longer driving. The biggest difference was the addition of Seroquel which has definitely helped calm some of his worst behaviors. He’s no picnic that’s for sure but the drinking has slowed down a lot and I used all kinds of tricks to stop the driving. Hid keys, flattened a tire, drained a battery. Nonalcoholic beer did not work, his brain is damaged not his taste buds. You will definitely reach a point where you don’t feel guilty about the keys, hopefully before something terrible happens.

I decided to forego any procedure that involves general anesthesia. Not worth the risk of an unpredictable outcome.

Hang in there and ask his Dr about medication.

MissyT

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and responses. I am working with his doctors on medications (thank you for the recommendations). He has neurologist, internist, psychiatrist and his ortho. His internist and psychiatrist have been the most helpful. We are taking this all a day at a time, but some days are more difficult than others. Yesterday was a difficult day. Today is not as bad other than the continual repeated questions. I can deal with that. I am usually pretty patient, however yesterday I was dealing with the accountant and missing information and he kept interrupting me in the middle of working on taxes…. he wanted beer and I was just trying to complete a task without interruption.