A Wife and A Partner

Crkddy

Not sure why I'm posting this……I'm not looking for validation and certainly don't need judgment. I guess just sharing my experience.

My wife was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's over 7 years ago. She is currently non-verbal, fully incontinent, and unable to do anything for herself. I am blessed that she is still able to walk. She has been on and off Hospice care. She has had multiple UTI's which are hard to detect and wreak havoc on her physical condition. I thought she was near death last year as she was sleeping 20+ hours a day and barely eating. Turns out she had a severe UTI that apparently went undiagnosed for a long time.

I reached a crisis point during that time and decided I needed to do something for myself…..to save myself. I had been taking care of my wife at home until that time, with the help from time-to-time from a paid care giver (CNA). As is the case with many others in similar circumstance, what I missed the most was the companionship of marriage (we have been married for 42 years). After a lot of soul searching, I decided to seek out a relationship with another woman. I met a wonderful woman on-line and began chatting, texting, phone calls, and eventually seeing her. I told her upfront about the situation with my wife and remarkably she has been very understanding and accepting of the situation. We have been maintaining a serious relationship for over 9 months, and we now call each other "partners".

A few months ago, I began the process of researching Memory Care facilities. I toured half-a-dozen and found one that appeared to be a good fit and was highly rated by the state and local agencies. I placed my wife in Memory Care about a month ago. Turns out that appearances and sales pitches can be very deceiving. I tried to manage my expectations but the staff at this facility was just not up to their jobs. Many things did not happen that were promised. The worst thing was my wife's meds were not administered properly, including one that was left out entirely. I watched her decline immediately and did not understand until I had a conference with the facility doctor. It was then I discovered the med issues. Just two days later she apparently rolled out of bed as the staff found her lying on the floor during the night. I spent all the next day in the emergency room with my wife. Fortunately she "only" sustained severe bruising on her face and a broken hand. That was the last straw. I took her straight home from the hospital. I notified the facility I would not bring her back………her total stay was 9 days.

My confidence in Memory Care is now shaken, and it will be a while before I try again, if ever. In the meantime, my partner and I have decided to combine households and live under one roof…….my wife included. Yeah, I know this sounds unconventional, if not crazy. But we are now a family and are committed to care for each other, and for my wife.

Wish us luck.

CindyBum

I have absolutely zero judgement. This journey is so damn hard, you do what you need to do!

Good luck!

CindiEC

No judgement.
The first place I placed my husband was disaster. He has been in new facility for 5 weeks. I’m hoping it works out.
Good luck to you

Russinator

((HUGS))

Joe C.

Crkddy, I sorry you had a bad experience with MC but glad you found someone who could be by your side on the journey. She must be a very good person. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

trottingalong

hugs to you. I’m happy you have found an understanding partner willing to assist you in this journey. I think it sounds wonderful actually considering where your DW is in this.

annie51

Thank you for your very honest and candid post. It’s obvious you love your wife very much. You’re so lucky to have found a partner that you can share this with.

hiya

You have looked after your wife. You deserve happiness and a partner. How great it is you’ve found someone who supports you. Wishing you happiness.

midge333

I am sorry you had a bad experience with memory care.

Carl46

Good luck to you and your family.

shark_guy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72694/a-wife-and-a-partner

You can follow my journey via posts here and I have had a similar experience with a new acquaintance. She has changed my life for the better and I have no regrets. You are doing what you need to do to keep this horrible disease from taking your life as well as your wife’s. All the best…

karen vitale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72694/a-wife-and-a-partner

as a caregiver for over 13 yrs I hear you and am glad you reached out to someone who will support and encourage you on this journey. Setting sitters They dont have to be CNAs and perhaps a daycare center Will fill in the gaps you need to provide for your wife and get some sanity time./ I am a nurse for 0ver 50 yrs and know they arent able to advocae for themselves and need someone who knows them to recognize flags. A safe routine and letting nature take its course. God luck sir

Gator1976

No judgement here. You do what you need for yourself. Having a caring partner helping you is also helping your wife live out her life as comfortable as possible. You both are a care team. Best to ALL of you.

Old Iowan

Post #2 - I really do know what you're going through as I'm almost there myself but still not ready to try and find another female to even just talk to - Fortunately my DW is in a very nice MC facilty but she is have her problems as the disease continues to take it's toll on her - I usually go in to see her every other day and she calls when she needs things - Our daughter has told me several times that I have to go on and live my life BUT I'm just not to sure how to do that yet - To bad there's no difinitive book on how to do that….Is there? Doing our best is all we can do and it sounds like that's just what you're doing - So far I like this forum and most all the help and understanding people are willing to give - Good luck and be well in all your endeavors!!

tonyac2

Thinking of the day my DH might/will have to go into MC scares me to death. He had a pretty significant stroke July of last year and ended up in aTCU. His vascular dementia accelerated at that point, I’m not sure what stage he’s in or even how to figure that piece out. I brought him back home after six weeks as I could not tolerate the lack of care/concern/sustained injuries. Praying he can continue to stay home. But I get it, the lack of companionship and conversations. I still work and used to gripe about work/co-workers to him and he’d help put my head back on straight. Not anymore. He’s here, but I miss him so much.

Karen711

Crkddy- Thanks for sharing your current version of this rough journey! Like many of the others, no judgement here. One our biggest questions and challenges as caregivers is how to keep ourselves alive in order to continue to show up for our dear loves! You all know this is not just a melodramatic statement. The punishing weight and wear of caring for a cognitively challenged spouse in all its aspects is beyond anyone’s comprehension unless you are in it. God bless you for finding a path for your self that allows you to show up for yourself AND you dear wife. Your “new” partner is extraordinary too! I wish you ALL the best going forward!
Hugs,

Karen

Russinator

As Karen 711 said: I wish you ALL the best going forward! ((HUGS))

Arrowhead

I know several men in the situation you and I are in who have found other companions / girlfriends. While it's not something I would do, I don't judge those who do. There are times I wish I had female company, but I can survive without it.

Do not give up on memory care, you may still need it in the future. Most are better than the one you delt with.

patsans

hello my husband is in a facility which is hard I’m 76years of age and have been taking full care of him since 95.he had a lot wrong with him last summer he locked me out of the house.since then he was diagnosed with vascular dementia.my daughter and I have been visiting him on sundays the last three he has said some very hurtful things to us and asked us to leave which is very hurtful we aren’t going to see him for awhile. I was wondering how other people handle this situation .this site is really helping me out thanks

Carl46

Welcome, Patsans. I think you are wise to limit your visits for a while. As his illness progresses he may be less hurtful.

I suggest you start a new thread so more people will see it. Just click on the yellow "new discussion" button

Sandi Roe

good for you!!! And good for your wife and partner!!! She must be a special person to help care for your wife with you. With Alzheimer’s disease we loose our loved ones twice, None of us lives in a glass house, no stone throwing here, God Bless

redlily

Crkddy, I know your situation and the weight of the challenges and the emotional weight you must be carrying. I have just run across this group, looking for support for myself. I am caregiving my partner who is and has been caring for his wife, diagnosed with FTD in 2016. I have been with him for over 4 years. I would never have chosen this path for myself, except I have known him for 16 years. I worked with this beautiful man for 8 years. I was able to learn and witness his character, integrity, deep compassion for the people he worked with and supervised and the love and commitment for his family. We became friends and supported each other through some of life’s most difficult moments. I was one of the first people he shared his wife’s diagnosis with. He didn’t want our whole workplace to know in the beginning and our unit supported and worried about him for years. It surprised us both when at the end of 2021, he chose to open himself up (strongly encouraged by his oldest son) and we began to share his journey together.

I have been seeking to find someone in the same situation (caring for the caregiver). People are empathetic but until you have actually lived this, you just don’t know. Is there anyone out there that understands just how hard it is to honour and hold space for her, yet having moments of jealously and resentment that I have to share every day with her.

I should add that he cared for her in their home until he just couldn’t manage anymore.  He and the children living in the home made the very difficult decision to place her into longterm care in 2020.  He goes every day to feed her supper, after working a full day.  He also attends to feed her lunch on the weekend.

Stan2

I spend too much time questioning my own judgement, I'm certainly not going to judge yours.

BPS

If I met a woman that knew my situation and that we liked each other I would certainly like to develop a relationship with her. I am not ready for sexual relationship but a close caring relationship that we could share our feelings and life with each other would be much better then talking to the dog.

Michele P

No judgement here. I had one thought reading your post. Being a full time caregiver is different than supporting someone who is the caregiver. I have been in both situations now and clearly see the difference on the stress and strain it puts on you as the caregiver vs others who support you. Bringing in a girlfriend to be a caregiver for your wife and to live under the stress that comes with that 24/7 can potentially put a strain on your relationship with your girlfriend. Just something to think about. Best of luck to you.