A Wife and A Partner

Crkddy

Not sure why I'm posting this……I'm not looking for validation and certainly don't need judgment. I guess just sharing my experience.

My wife was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's over 7 years ago. She is currently non-verbal, fully incontinent, and unable to do anything for herself. I am blessed that she is still able to walk. She has been on and off Hospice care. She has had multiple UTI's which are hard to detect and wreak havoc on her physical condition. I thought she was near death last year as she was sleeping 20+ hours a day and barely eating. Turns out she had a severe UTI that apparently went undiagnosed for a long time.

I reached a crisis point during that time and decided I needed to do something for myself…..to save myself. I had been taking care of my wife at home until that time, with the help from time-to-time from a paid care giver (CNA). As is the case with many others in similar circumstance, what I missed the most was the companionship of marriage (we have been married for 42 years). After a lot of soul searching, I decided to seek out a relationship with another woman. I met a wonderful woman on-line and began chatting, texting, phone calls, and eventually seeing her. I told her upfront about the situation with my wife and remarkably she has been very understanding and accepting of the situation. We have been maintaining a serious relationship for over 9 months, and we now call each other "partners".

A few months ago, I began the process of researching Memory Care facilities. I toured half-a-dozen and found one that appeared to be a good fit and was highly rated by the state and local agencies. I placed my wife in Memory Care about a month ago. Turns out that appearances and sales pitches can be very deceiving. I tried to manage my expectations but the staff at this facility was just not up to their jobs. Many things did not happen that were promised. The worst thing was my wife's meds were not administered properly, including one that was left out entirely. I watched her decline immediately and did not understand until I had a conference with the facility doctor. It was then I discovered the med issues. Just two days later she apparently rolled out of bed as the staff found her lying on the floor during the night. I spent all the next day in the emergency room with my wife. Fortunately she "only" sustained severe bruising on her face and a broken hand. That was the last straw. I took her straight home from the hospital. I notified the facility I would not bring her back………her total stay was 9 days.

My confidence in Memory Care is now shaken, and it will be a while before I try again, if ever. In the meantime, my partner and I have decided to combine households and live under one roof…….my wife included. Yeah, I know this sounds unconventional, if not crazy. But we are now a family and are committed to care for each other, and for my wife.

Wish us luck.

CindyBum

I have absolutely zero judgement. This journey is so damn hard, you do what you need to do!

Good luck!

CindiEC

No judgement.
The first place I placed my husband was disaster. He has been in new facility for 5 weeks. I’m hoping it works out.
Good luck to you

Russinator

((HUGS))

Joe C.

Crkddy, I sorry you had a bad experience with MC but glad you found someone who could be by your side on the journey. She must be a very good person. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

trottingalong

hugs to you. I’m happy you have found an understanding partner willing to assist you in this journey. I think it sounds wonderful actually considering where your DW is in this.

annie51

Thank you for your very honest and candid post. It’s obvious you love your wife very much. You’re so lucky to have found a partner that you can share this with.

hiya

You have looked after your wife. You deserve happiness and a partner. How great it is you’ve found someone who supports you. Wishing you happiness.

midge333

I am sorry you had a bad experience with memory care.

Carl46

Good luck to you and your family.

shark_guy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72694/a-wife-and-a-partner

You can follow my journey via posts here and I have had a similar experience with a new acquaintance. She has changed my life for the better and I have no regrets. You are doing what you need to do to keep this horrible disease from taking your life as well as your wife’s. All the best…

karen vitale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72694/a-wife-and-a-partner

as a caregiver for over 13 yrs I hear you and am glad you reached out to someone who will support and encourage you on this journey. Setting sitters They dont have to be CNAs and perhaps a daycare center Will fill in the gaps you need to provide for your wife and get some sanity time./ I am a nurse for 0ver 50 yrs and know they arent able to advocae for themselves and need someone who knows them to recognize flags. A safe routine and letting nature take its course. God luck sir

Gator1976

No judgement here. You do what you need for yourself. Having a caring partner helping you is also helping your wife live out her life as comfortable as possible. You both are a care team. Best to ALL of you.