The Constant Digs

CindyBum

just a vent.

I could really use a day where I don’t get to hear from my DW how I just don’t quite treat her right and I don’t do enough for her. I am gentle, supportive and kind to her and I get back complaints about how something’s just not right with me. Oh honey…it’s not me.

Grrrrr

jfkoc

heard and understood

wose

I’m with ya girl, so sorry. I can’t figure it out. I mutter to myself all day, “ why does he bite the hand that feeds him” I don’t have anything except leaving the room, crying or sometimes I break out in a song full throttle voice. I know exactly how you feel, doing doing and pleasing only to be shot down. It’s so hard to believe they’re not being intentional 💕💜 Hugs

annie51

Your vent resonates with us! The things he says and the names I’ve been called would have never come out of his mouth directed at me before. It gets so tiring after hearing it day after day. Hugs to you all!

Arrowhead

Always keep in mind that it is not her saying those things, it's the disease. It sounds cliché, but it's true.

Jazzma

It's really hard to understand that it's not coming from the person you knew and loved. They look like their old selves, sound the same, have the same mannerisms…but it is not the same brain. I have to keep reminding myself, daily, many times.

Old Iowan

1st post here - My wife was diagnosed about 18 months ago with Alzheimer's but IF I knew then what I know now I would have had her evaluated about 3+ years ago - I ran out of gas in taking care of her and she's been in a MC faciltiy since January and it's a nice one and IMHO they're doing a great job - She's had and still does have some incedents with her health, attitude and other patients but she's doing the best she can - I try hard to see her every other day and always do my best to keep her supplied with anything the unit does not (Double Stuff OREOS) - My point is she's just not the woman I married 46+ years ago and she does call me and complain, etc. and the best way I've found for me to handle it is I remind myself it's the DISEASE that's making her act the way she does - I've been reading a LOT of the various posts and realized there are a LOT of people going through what I am and sometimes under worse circumstances - I'm 72+, supposed to be dead 3 times, 2 strokes, 4 brain procedures and an inoperable brain anomaly AND the kicker is I've dealt with migraines for over 40+ years and even got disability due to my pain years ago and I've have had a BAD headache or MIGRAINE 24/7 for going on 18 months - Many days my best just isn't good enough BUT I'm not going to give up seeing she gets the best care from her caregivers and me - Might as well say it as I've seen other postings about it….I am LONELY as hell!! SORRY if this was to long!!

sandwichone123

Hi Lowan,

Welcome! Not too long—I get it! Make sure you're taking care of yourself, which includes finding some social activities besides visiting memory care. Your library may have discussion groups, or you may have some hobby that would allow you to meet/work with others.

Old Iowan

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240279#Comment_240279

THANKS! I do have hobbies and a LOT of projects - I still help friends and fellow Veterans with my computer graphic skills and I pitch competion horshoes and they do help me get through the day BUT, still is lonley around here. I appreciate your comments - It's Old Iowan I guess the font makes it look a little different so I put the space in so it reads better😉

Jgirl57

(((Hugs))) CB Glad you vented

LearningCurve

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240266#Comment_240266

New here. Hi all. I just wanted to say that I have found that I "do better" when I think of my husband as my Patient vs. my Husband. Shifting my thinking like that has seemed to relieve my anxiety, help some with my attitude. Whew. Long journey for all of us. I have so much to learn.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72731/the-constant-digs

we know how it feels and hurts. She can’t help it. Her world is falling apart and you are her anchor. Many people with dementia take out their anxiety on their primary caregiver. Unless you can learn to let her complaints roll off and not bother you, you will not be mentally able to care for her I also had to stop viewing my husband as my partner and view him as my patient. Once I did that, I didn’t get upset at his complaints. It’s not easy. It takes practice. Can you get respite help once a week to get a break? That also helped me. Hugs. 💜

Bridge4

Cindy, totally feel your pain buddy! My DW does the same and it’s just a dagger to the heart when we are worn out, weak and vulnerable from serving them all day long and putting up with their nonsense behavior. Yeah, I get that it’s the disease, but I needed to find something else to help me maintain emotional control. It was simple- just a smile. You know how if you smile or frown you can shift your whole attitude? It’s true, try it. I found that if I used words to respond to my DW, she just reacts and escalates- not good. So instead, now when I feel that verbal dagger go in, I just turn away and flash the broadest, most “knowing” smile to myself and I just feel a calmness that reminds me that I’m doing everything I can, it’s the disease talking, and eventually this too shall pass. This is just a small gesture to help reinforce that I am the one that needs to remain in control. BTW, I appreciate reading all your comments and the strength of your commitment to your DW.

Bailey's Mom

I'm a lurker only these days, but had to share what works for me with the constant digs and degradation. I just go into my bathroom, get in the shower and scream as loud as I can into a bath towel. I have to be careful that HWD can't hear me or he would go off the rails…so far he hasn't, but my little dog does and things I'm totally crazy…which might be true!

Good luck…it's tough to handle.

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240270#Comment_240270

This is exactly how it is. I often find myself having quite the conversation with my DH forgetting that the conversation you want can’t be reciprocated. A jumbled set of words comes forth making no sense. It’s horrible.

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240300#Comment_240300

I love this! Going to give this a try.

jsps139_

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240261#Comment_240261

wose … I lol when I read your post because I also “break out in a song full throttle voice.” It is the only thing that distracts me from the situation and stops my DH complaining about me. (I put his socks on the wrong feet 😳 I hide his wallet, etc.). Thanks for sharing.

Russinator

((HUGS))

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240311#Comment_240311

Ditto! This sounds like a great idea! Better than crying which seems to be my involuntary go to reaction lately. Btw, that doesn’t work!

Karen711

Cindy- yup, totally relate!!!
Bad thing here is that sometimes I get mad back and what good does that do! Then there are two of us beating up on me:). I have just started to try to ingrain the idea that she is my patient and not my wife (so much anymore). As Diane and others have said, It is hard to learn and does take practice I think. And for me, one of the things that makes it hard is that my wife at times reappears as my wife, which is so wonderful, but really messes with my sense of the reality we are in. We need consistency, normalcy, and routine- and it is nowhere to be found. Can’t remember who recommended this book “Travels to Unimaginable Lands”, I have found it invaluable in coming to some understanding of what this ALL does to US as caregivers.
I have finally JUST gotten some in home caregiving in place, 12-13 years in with anosognosia resistant angry wife, and it’s quite a significant relief. I told her it was for my own needs (true, with recent medical developments, but you could fiblet that story). I believe you’re about to be retired and home more so I hope you can find a way to get some respite. Glad you vented, thank you!!!

Hugs!
Karen