The hurt from letting go

Pat Coughlin

My DW is in the middle stage of memory loss. When she was lucid, she said she felt I didn’t love her anymore. I have to admit that my feelings are changing. Her behavior can exhaust me, and I realize that I communicate less simply in order to reduce my stress. It is a lousy spot to be in for both of us, but I don’t see any alternative.

Goodlife2025

I understand, my DW can feel that we are different and conjectures I may not love her like I always have. While we can work to reassure them, the differences are real. I know it and at some level she does too. I try to use more spontaneous gentle touches, squeezing of her hand, brushing her hair and such to keep her calm and feeling loved. This has helped us keep connected without words. I miss having a deep philosophical conversation about art, music, God, the next invention so very much. On this site I have been able to reach out to a few individuals that have allowed me a small outlet for those deeper more personal talks. I hope you can find a way to keep talking and communicating with others. It does take effort and few if any of us have extra energy. BUT it is an important way for me to care for myself. We are in this lousy spot with you.

Gator1976

I entered this world 3 months ago. After a year of testing, my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She was her mother’s caregiver for 10 years while she had it. So, my knows what’s coming up close and personal. It’s ugly and we both know it. It’s devastated her. She’s in the beginning of the middle stages. It is a lousy turn of events after 47 years of marriage. I’ve never been a quitter, to the point of fault. 47 years ago I said “for better or worse”. Well, we’ve had a lot of better and some for worse over 47 years. When I said it, I meant it. I will not abandoned her in her fight for normalcy. As with all, she will loose, so my roll is to help her have the best life she has left. It is the life God prepared me for, I will not turn my back on it. I’ll make the best of it and carry on. All the best to you both, and carry on.

Palmetto Peg

I think it is completely normal to love your spouse in a different way when they decline cognitively. When my DH was first diagnosed, at times I felt I didn't love him at all. The years leading up to diagnosis had some very ugly times, which I realize now were personality changes due to the disease. After he went to MC, I began to love him more like you would love a child. It is certainly hard to think of a person in a sexual way when you have wiped their bottom numerous times!!! We are making different memories now and I have become his trusted person. He knows I will help him no matter what, and I do still kiss him and hold his hand to reassure him. I miss having someone to talk to about important things, but life goes on and I have adjusted. Good luck to all of us!

midge333

@Palmetto Peg sums it up well. I could not say it better. You still love them but the relationship changes…

BPS

My wife is in MC and I visit her most days. I tell her I love her and I do but defiantly not like I once did. The last 20+ years have ben emotionally very difficult with her. first for marital reasons and then AL for the past 9 years. I try to stay in the now moment with her. The visits are getting harder because there is less and less to say. I think it is Important to her at the moment to see me most days and when I don't go I realize that it is important to me too even with the years of strained marriage. I would like to hang on to the feeling I had for the 1/2 of our marriage but situations and feelings change over time. For me it has come down to doing what I believe is right and since I stayed with her through some of our past I need to support her through this. I feel guilty for not feeling closer to her but everything changes and we change with it. It all sucks.

Russinator

This thread and (many others) have my eyes tearing up.

CindyBum

This certainly tracks for me. My poor DW said to me this morning, "I feel like I don't fit in." Had a friend visiting this weekend, who we both love. DW can't keep up with conversations anymore and really struggles to speak full sentences. Our friend and I try so hard to keep her in them, but every once in a while we got to chatting amongst ourselves and it just hurts my DW so much that she can't participate anymore.

Heartbreaking stuff to also see myself reducing how much I try to talk with her because it's so difficult for us both to get through a simple conversation.

xoxo

Timmyd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240398#Comment_240398

This is something I can really relate to. All the doctors say that socialization is important, but my DW struggles to put together a coherent sentence, let alone follow a conversation. Most of my attempts to pull in old friends and create socialization just end up leaving me sad and exhausted.

Bridge4

I can totally relate to this discussion chain, and it has been one of the saddest experiences on this journey. My DW and I have worked so hard to keep her socialization level up, and she has had so many stand-up friends who’ve stuck by her to help keep her active and engaged outside the home. But as her condition has progressed, the fear and social anxiety are taking over and causing her to decline engagements with even our closest long-time friends. The result is more time alone with just the two of us. But her anger and the misunderstandings have forced me to be much more cautious about what I say, or to just not say anything at all in some circumstances. Unfortunately, her emotional radar senses that the absence or reduction of conversation somehow means I love her less, which is not true. I will always love the “idea” of her, and who we were in the good times and the tough times. It’s just getting harder to deny the reality of the transition from partner to caregiver and the huge implication that has to the emotional dynamics of the relationship.

Karen711

I guess this thread just makes me feel a little less alone in this heart wrenching mess. I relate to all everyone has said here.
Sending hugs to you all💕

Karen