It's not 'agitation' - It is RAGE AND AGRESSION

LauraCD

and it gets worse. I have watched my husband who was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's near 3 years ago simply marinate in his misery. Nothing I have tried has served to help him. There were unresolved issues that were percolating before the more serious onset of the disease (forced retirement with no interests, hobbies or activities to replace that loss); a somewhat stilted relationship with his adult children as a result of never reconciling whatever their experience was with there parents divorce, and more. I have researched, I have offered, I have introduced people, opportunities and activities for him and he is interested in none of them. Then, with him losing is ability to drive the anger has been compounded. And, he blames me for all of it even the disease; if I we're a better wife to him and we argued less he "wouldn't have this disease.'

With all this said I have to remind myself I live with a man who is quite literally demented. What is so difficult is that because of these rants and tirades which occur more often than not it is near impossible for me to be soft and warm and compassionate towards him. I am always defending myself. Quite honestly it does wound me as he knows where I am myself vulnerable and can be psychologically wounded after 32 years of marriage.

I have had to call the police in now three times (most recently yesterday) hoping some one he perceives has more 'authority' than I can get him to calm down. I do this as well to discourage him from following me around the house ranting, slamming, banging, throwing. I have had to lock myself in the bathroom with my phone overnight so to have some space he cannot invade.

All this is to say how does anyone else deal with this? I am failing. I am flailing. I cannot imagine what the future will bring. He is not so far advanced that I can have anyone in the house to help, much less have him participate in daycare. He still has the presence of mind to have some agency about himself. But he is simply a bitter, angry, man - to me btw, to no one else. All others still see him as the personable, gregarious, wonderful guy.

Thank you for listening to my desperate ramble. I hope no one else is encountering this to this degree.

Emmie

Do you have a second bedroom with a lock? I have moved to the second bedroom.

marier

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. My DH is now stage 7 and the aggression has faded. He was extremely aggressive and agitated in the early stages of the disease. I always kept my car keys and cell phone in my pocket. I had an exit plan and a room in the house that I could lock myself in. I removed all guns and sharps from the home.

Medication was the answer for us and helped him significantly to deal with his anger issues. I also stop arguing with him. Agreement with the accusations was difficult to do but effective in keeping him calm.

Again I am sorry you are dealing with this and others on this message board will have other advice and solutions. Sending you hugs.

trottingalong

My first question would be, is he on any medications that could possibly help. I know there have been posts from others who have gone through this. I’m not knowledgeable about meds.

jfkoc

Meds could bring some relief. Please contact his Neurologist ASAP.

MN Chickadee

Consult his physician about medications. Or you may need to look into an inpatient stay at a geriatric psychiatry unit. There they have doctors and nurses who specialize in dementia and its more challenging behaviors like rage and anger. They find the right meds to send the person home or back to memory care or whatever. It sounds like he needs some medication to settle him down. Do not hesitate to call 911 if you are in danger. People with dementia can and have injured their caregivers and spouses.

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry.

We had similar with my dad. I would advise you to have him turfed to the ED by ambulance next time you need to called 911 as a threat to you and himself with the goal of a short term geriatric psych stay for medication management. After, you can decide if he's safe to return home or if placement is the safest option.

HB

ontos

I have to have police come over when she loses it. They take her to the ER till she calms down then I go get her. Paramedics says it is sundowning. So now I work at alleviating her bad mood after 1600hrs

jehjeh

If he is able to follow you around and throw things, then he is able to injure you. Our state has something called Adult Protective Services for vulnerable adults. That would be you. You may want to explore what is available in your state. Please call the doctor for meds, if he will take them, and do it right away. Also, try calling the Alzheimer's Association hotline and seek their input. They probably have more information about resources in your area than anyone else.

Praying for your safety and well-being through all of this. My DH went through a scary stage last year but it passed on it's own. I hope you can get the help you need. jehjeh

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. It’s common in dementia patients. No amount of arguing or trying to defend yourself will help. As I learned on this forum “ you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” Behaving differently in front of doctors and other people is called showtiming. Many dementia patients do it. They can only do it for short periods of time and it’s usually exhausting for them. The more calm you can remain the better. The reason he takes it out on you is that his world is falling apart and you are his primary caregiver. He would treat any other primary caregiver the same. Sundowning is also common regardless of the stage they are in. There are ways to help with that. Close the blinds early and turn on bright lights. Learn all you can about the disease so you can help him. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for Tam Cummings videos. And as others have posted, call the doctor for medications to calm him. Put them in his food or drink if he won’t take them. Have a safe space and exit plan. If you feel you are in danger call 911 and have him taken by ambulance to a Geriatric Psyche unit at the hospital. Tell them you fear for your safety and he can’t come home unless they can prescribe medication to control his anxiety which causes his agitation and leads to aggression. Stay strong and firm in your request to the hospital if you should have to have him taken there. We totally understand what you are going through. Come here often to vent and for support. 💜

Palmetto Peg

I second all the folks suggesting you get him to a Geri-Psych inpatient unit asap. My husband just returned after a two-week stay, and he is so much better. He was sent there because of increasing aggression to the staff of his MC, and he also hit two of the other residents. It was a choice of sending him out, or the MC facility asking me to remove him. It is very hard to make medication adjustments with the PWD still in a MC or at home, because it takes time for the changes to take place, and sometimes a medication makes things worse. The staff at the inpatient unit were so patient and kind, because they have seen everything! Do it for yourself and for him! He is in a constant state of agitation, and so are you. You will benefit from the respite from him, and he will benefit from medication to calm down some of his anxiety and agitation. Good luck - and be careful with yourself until you can get him a little more settled.

ddiaz7

So sorry, I know exactly how you feel. My husband does the same thing. It’s just him & I at home, everyone has all moved out as they have their families. I have had to call the cops several times because he said he needs to go home (which he is already at home. I don’t know what else to do. I get no help from the VA, I don’t know where else to go to for help.

CarenR80

My Mom was living on her own when she started saying she needed to go home even though she was already home. Then she started wandering in the middle of the night in her bathrobe looking for "home". After the 3rd time the police had to bring her home we finally got her into a memory unit in a nursing home. She can't wander now but is still extremely aggressive just to me. She is as sweet as can be to my 2 brothers. I am the youngest and her only daughter. It's extremely stressful and painful when she attacks me for the littlest things. She use to apologize after hitting me but she doesn't anymore. It's extremely sad. They put her on a new medication to help calm her down and be less aggressive and the last couple times I've visited her it seemed much better. I think the medication is called trazadone but I know there are others as well. You should talk to your PC Dr about that option

Russinator

Praying for your safety