Dementia

Rick-o

My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia. He's a widower of 4 years, living alone and not wanting to be in Memory Care.
His Home town Dr. and Home health care givers have deemed him to not be able to care for himself and I have had to put him in a home for his own well being. It has been difficult on all of us. He'd like to be in his own house and do as he wishes. He and Mom were secluded to themselves for the past 15 yrs and he now doesn't know how to deal with society and the new care facility. Asking to go home, doesn't realize the issue with it however. Guilty feelings and difficult to get him to understand why he is in the home.

terei

He does not have the cognition to ‘understand’ why he is at a facility. Discussing it will not help, no matter how long you do it. You can try to figure out if he has triggers that are causing him to bring this up. Does he tell staff he wants to go home? Just certain people? Does it only come up when certain family members are there? If that is the case, limit time that those people are contacting him, at least temporarily.

When you visit, have a treat he likes, or something that will hold his attention(possibly a pet or a book he might like to look at. If he says he wants to go home, blame it all on the Dr. “I know how you feel. I will talk to the dr about it but he said you have to be here until your health improves..there’s nothing we can do about it”. Rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat.

SDianeL

welcome. Home is a feeling not a place. Many dementia patients who are being cared for at home keep saying they want to go home. Anxiety may cause it. Ask the nurses if he asks to go home when you are not there. If so, perhaps medication for anxiety would help. When you visit and get ready to leave, don’t say goodbye. Just quietly leave. Visiting at mealtime when he’s distracted may help. And as Terri said blame it on the doctor and then redirect or distract.

harshedbuzz

@Rick-o

By the time in the disease that a person needs 24/7 supervision, they have likely developed anosognosia which prevents them from being able to recognize the ways and degree to which they are impaired. While this spares them the horror of their decline to a degree, it complicates things for the caregiver.

That doesn't mean you've done wrong by him. His safety comes first and sometimes that's as good as it gets. If he's still new to the facility, he may settle in over time. My dad never had much to do with the other residents and wasn't much for activities but he had warm relationships with the aides and DON at his MCF.

One thing we did that helped was to create a narrative about why he was there— we told dad his new doctor wanted him to be admitted for rehab, we validated his frustration and shared that we wished he could be home, too. You might try agreeing that you wish he could be home but that his doctors say he needs to be here "for now". I also never visited empty-handed which made it easier to redirect him when he went in that direction— sometimes a fast-food lunch, coffee and a sweet treat, milk shake.

You said "He and Mom were secluded to themselves for the past 15 yrs and he now doesn't know how to deal with society and the new care facility."

I saw this happen with my parents. It is common in couples where one has dementia for their social sphere to shrink dramatically. In the very early stages, PWD can be irritable, apathetic and loss empathy which makes them less will to engage or engage with. In the earlier stages, many PWD have difficulty following conversations in groups at parties and other events and come away feeling sidelined by friends when they can't keep up. In time, friends will drop off. With dad, he lost his social filter and was prone to saying aloud that which should have remained in his head. It got tricky to take him places.

HB