Anyone With Resentment?

cindie-san

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242052#Comment_242052

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242054#Comment_242054

wascaly

Yes…it really is all we can do. Every day is a challenge and I pray for strength to make it one more day…

Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it very much.

t210

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240925#Comment_240925

R.T., this is only my second time to sign on and both times have related to your posts. I’m a retired teacher of 18yrs and have been married to my husband MD nearly 42 years also!

I agree that time to ourselves are absolutely vital for caregivers. It’s difficult to set aside/prioritize the time but I always benefit from it and that makes me more loving and tolerant helping my husband.

Yes, anger, resentment, bitterness are real with this “career” of caregiving. I agree that they need to be dealt with. For me I seem to pray about some form almost daily!

It took me nearly 5 years to go through the stages of grief, about the changes in my husband and my role, to come to acceptance. I think laying down our expectations that we had for this stage of life/marriage, and that American society advertises, is also essential.

Once we accept the illness, then it’s easier to get into a new mindset of what a practical day or week will look like.

I think taking one day at a time, and often moment by moment, helps me.

Thank you fellow caregivers for your wisdom and transparency here.

Runningdeer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242075#Comment_242075

You are in my prayers, my brave friend.

CAnnK

Sometimes I don’t think anyone can really understand my resentment. I also think I should have left years ago but always had reason not to and things didn’t seem bad enough just not good then my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 59 and now this is my life. Typing this feels wrong but reading other peoples experience and feelings helps me feel validated. We are only in the early stages and I don’t know how I will deal with the future.

l7pla1w2

Welcome. You have come to the right place, a place where everyone understands what you're experiencing and will support you.

I've found that reading about others' experiences has been both helpful for dealing with feelings and useful for learning to care for my DW. Continue to participate in the group and know that you are doing the best you can. It's not easy.

wascaly

No…it’s definitely not easy. It’s almost like watching a train wreck - you see it coming, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.

jfkoc

CAnneK…Please keep posting.

YOu will read things you do not agree with but then you will read something that really help.

The sharing alone will be helpful. We here know how hard this is and we care about you. Say what eved you need to say.

Palmetto Peg

When I first started coming to this site, I posted a discussion about not loving my spouse with dementia. There were so many people who replied and said they understood and felt the same way! Just because my DH is ill doesn't erase all of the hard years when he was so controlling and difficult. I am still resentful that what I hoped for in my retirement years isn't going to happen. However, my DH is now in Memory Care, so I do get a break from caregiving. I am never really free, but there are other people looking after him some of the time. I have come to accept what has happened, and can feel pity for him - his life is far worse than mine. But, like most of us, I will be relieved when this is over. Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that you are doing a hard job every day and every night, for no appreciation at all! Try to find time to get away and do something you like to do. We are here and we understand!!

wascaly

I totally understand what you’re saying. Sometimes I find myself actually HATING him for making my life a living hell and wishing I’d never married him, Then I feel sooo damned guilty! I know without a doubt he would NEVER feel that way about me. I’m constantly asking God to forgive me, but just how many times can He forgive me when I keep feeling the same way every single day?
I feel so sorry for him, and I’d do anything to make him whole again, and so, I keep praying.
I know God can do anything IF it’s His will. I’m sure, like anyone else, everyone wonders just what IS His will?

APenny4You

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72805/anyone-with-resentment

I also have found myself with resentment at times, not at my DH but at this stupid disease. I haven't been on for quite awhile now because I think part of me is still in denial. We've been going through this now for the past 6 years and I have felt like I'm living ground hog day every day. We just had our 16th wedding anniversary (he totally forgot), today is mother's day ( he didn't remember until I called my mother. He asked me today if he could keep living here. I asked him where else would he go? He said I'm not sure, but I did assure him that he would be here with me in our home. Life is so hard, sad, maddening and scary. When I first started posting things on here, I felt like I just rambled. You will find the folks her do not judge and are very much in the same boat (maybe a little bit bigger boat) that we find ourselves in.

APenny4You

Happy belated birthday first off and I know the Lord hears our prayers and sees our tears. Wishing you the best friend and don't give up on the beauty you bring to lives and life!

Atlantajan

My DH is in Stage 7. We have been married for 33 years. Ten of those were fantastic, 10 of those were bad and the rest I have been dealing with the disease. Yes, I am resentful. I think constantly about how much better my life will be when he finally succumbs to the disease. But I take care of him 24/7. He is mostly bed-bound. I make sure he drinks plenty of fluids and eats three meals a day. I keep him clean. He was in MC for six months but I took him home because, as we all know, they are understaffed, underpaid and overworked, and I just didn't feel like he was getting the care he needed. I truly believe he would be dead if I had left him in MC.

I always say the worst part about care-giving is the "two eyes," isolation and invisibility. You really find out who your true friends are, and it makes you more empathetic with others who are dealing with the same thing.

wascaly

Thanks so much for your comment. It pretty much mirrors my situation, but my husband isn’t bed-bound, YET. We’ve been married almost 50 years. He was diagnosed 1-1/2 years ago, and, as expected, he’s rapidly declining.
I think back to the time before we had our children (2) and I was happy. As the years went by, I started getting restless and was actually thinking of a separation. I had my own issues, both emotional and physical, and once the kids were grown, I realized I’d married in haste and now regret in leisure as the saying goes.

I feel very trapped - I’d never could forgive myself if I even entertained the thought of leaving NOW, when he’s (barring Devine Intervention) totally doomed - not to mention my kids would hate me! He was a great father, and for that reason, I’d hate me too!

I am a Christian and I try to lean on Jesus. I do realize everything I’ve said is TOTALLY un-Christian, but somehow getting my thoughts down in writing gives me a teensy bit of comfort.

Please feel free to respond. I guess that old adage misery loves company is true.

ronda b

So weird you mentioned about leaving. My DH is probably in stage 3 or 4 with alz a ND has VD. Right now he seems so stable. I know he's not going to get better,but I'm tired of living my whole life around him. Everything is for him. No stress,no disagreeing,taking him wherever he wants to go when he wants. Not making food that he doesn't want. I could go on and on. I feel like I just want to go. To be able to leave and stay gone as long as I want and not worry.

Ahh just a rant. It will go away.

Russinator

It's a very difficult and thankless job we caretakers have taken on.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72805/anyone-with-resentment

I am in the same boat. He was never controlling but difficult. We have been married for 45 years and he has Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia. it is a very difficult situation. I hadn't planned on being a full time caregiver. I thought we would retire one day and maybe do something fun. That isn't an option. Retirement funds will go towards his care and after he passes I'll be alone and broke. Resentment is an understatement.