Won’t let me help clean him up

annie51

This is not a nice topic, but you all know how it is in this forum. 😉

DH is at the point where he isn’t cleaning his behind well after using the toilet. We both have always closed the door when we used the bathroom throughout our long marriage. So now when I knock on the door and ask if I can come in or if he needs any help, he gives me an emphatic NO. I am assuming he is embarrassed or upset that he can’t do it himself or resents me for forcing myself on him, or else he wouldn’t get so angry about it. He also rarely changes his clothes or his underwear and is not taking showers (I’m using rinse free soap on different body parts when I can get him to remove his clothes). But when I try to clean his behind he sometimes just runs away from me. Oh and now he doesn’t want to wear underwear!

One time I said I needed something in the bathroom and that worked that time. I’ve also tried keeping the door open when I “go” but if he sees me he closes the door for me. 🥴. I’d love any advice because I know this is important!

Gator1976

Time to get help I’m afraid 😔 Maybe some he doesn’t know, vs being embarrassed in front of you will help.

Biggles

Oh how awful all these hurdles are. I know you said he doesn’t like to shower or change his underwear or clothes very often. It may not help but I’ll tell you what we do. We have a long shower room with no door and we shower together most mornings, try like we all do, to make it ‘fun’ , one shower rose DH goes first he uses a block of pleasant smelling medicated soap, he goes straight to the washing of his backside, I concentrate on using a soft scrubber with my plunge soap on his back. Sometimes it’s quite yucky what he washes away but I tell him to make sure the soap is clean for next time. He carefully gets out of the shower, I finish myself and then I help him shave, actually I do it all for him. He has a spare room for his clothes and I try to keep track of his worn things. Exhausting as everything is it’s working so far. Good luck keep trying.

SDianeL

if he’s not on medication that might help. Some have had good results using a bidet. You can search on this forum for bidet and read the responses. I bought my husband Dude Wipes which are larger potty wipes. The only problem is I don’t think they are flushable. My DH would put them in the trash.

Marla13

They do make adult diaper genies to dispose adult diapers and wipes to keep the smell down.

KathyF1

My husband is the same, but maybe further along than yours (he’s stage 6). He’s on Klonopin and Seroquel. I have to make sure he’s had his meds before trying. The meds seem to calm him enough that I can at least wash the important parts. But like your husband, very resistant to changing clothes and getting in the shower. I would talk to his dr about the meds and look to that for help!

CindyBum

I know this is such a difficult thing, but have to laugh about the difference in my experience. My DW now asks me multiple times a day to check her hiney for poo. She thinks she's pooping a lot when she isn't. Let's just say spreading some cheeks and taking a good look multiple times a day was not on my list of things I ever thought I'd do. 😏

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241004#Comment_241004

My DH is also stage 6 but I have put off medications, thinking that the longer we can go without, the better. But feedback I’ve seen here tells me it may make my life easier.

Biggles

hi ho CindyBum I had to chuckle at your DW response. It’s so good when we can find the energy to go with the flow so to speak. My DH and I do our own thing, what ever works, I’ve given up thinking or worrying about protocol, niceties and time. We just mooch along soap in one hand razor in the other and get stuff done if we can.

Palmetto Peg

My DH was resistant to help at first, too, but I kept reminding him of how sore his bottom was getting from not being clean. He finally let me do it, and I was very careful to act non-committal and just chatter away about other things while I took care of business. I also made comments about how it was no different than when we both changed and cleaned babies bottoms, and that I knew he would help me if I needed it. He still will let me shower him - he is in MC, but still wants me to do that for him, and I am happy to keep him clean. He is better now about letting the aides do it, but only someone he knows. Cover the furniture with pads in the meantime! Good luck - this really is a journey!

ImMaggieMae

Medications can make life easier for both of you. My DH doesn’t like feeling agitated any more than I like him being that way. The trick is to find a good neurologist or doctor who will work with you. Our goal is calm and normalish, not sleepy and zonked out. Sometimes that varies by the day or week and having to make small changes.

I purchased a small low stool with wheels and adjustable height that moves easily around the bathroom floor. I sit facing him at about eye level to change him and usually sit and talk with him, even though he is mostly non-verbal at this point. He still understands some of what I say. I babble on anyway. I tell him that we’re a team, that we take care of each other. He responds to my ‘high five’ or hand shake. I usually sit there for around 15 minutes of more. This gives him time to finish going or to start if he doesn’t know if he has to. When he’s done, I just tell him to stand up, usually multiple times, so I can wipe him and apply creams with moisture barriers to prevent sores. Or sometimes meds to treat small sores that have developed from sleeping in incontinence underwear. We almost always end up on a good note and the experience is natural and just part of our day.