New here Caregiver for my Mom

jillmarie5

Hello all! I have really been struggling and looking for support and I am very happy to have found this community! My Mom is 77 diagnosed in December 2024. She lives with me and my husband in an in-law that we put on for her. I have so many questions but the biggest issue right now is she has been online shopping, forgetting she ordered stuff and either having me return the items or worse she is reporting it as fraud to the credit card company. I do not have a power of attorney and I know I need to. I brought it up to her and she told me that no one was going to control her. I feel I need to contact the credit card companies but I know they will not speak to me without her permission. Anyone else have experience or advice on getting my Mom to understand I am trying to help her? Thank you

H1235

Welcome! A DPOA does not take any power or financial rights from the person with dementia (but I do believe you have a responsibility to keep her money safe even from her). I wouldn’t tell her about that last part. This might be something that would convince her. You might also suggest that the DPOA is for down the road when the dementia “gets worse”. People with dementia often have anosognosia and can’t recognize their symptoms or limitations. Bringing these up is asking for trouble. I have a DPOA for my mom, but mom could/can still take money out of the bank, use credit cards, could even take out a loan for a new car if she wants. I have taken her ability to do these things away to protect her. She can’t drive, I have debt card, she doesn’t even have id. I feel horrible but she is not able to make financial decisions and it had to be done. If she continues to refuse you may need guardianship/conservatorship. It’s my understanding this is more time consuming and expensive. She can do a lot of financial damage. You never know what the future holds. Dementia is expensive and there may come a time when living with you is not possible anymore. Maybe it would be a good idea for her to “loose” her credit/debit cards. Maybe there is a “problem” with the Wi-Fi or her computer. Put off “getting it fixed” as long as possible. Get creative. If you tell her “I’m taking away you computer” I’m sure that will not go over wellI. I know these things seem deceitful and wrong, but keeping her safe means financially as well as physically. This is tough.

Anonymousjpl123

Absolutely agree with @H1235 about durable power of attorney. It’s critical. Now is the time, and scaring your mom will make her more defensive.

I told my mom I was taking care of paperwork and had her come to the attorneys office with me. We did her will, POA, and medical PoA at the same time. I kept it very causal and light, and she was more excited about lunch and ice cream afterwards. Don’t rush it: make the appointment, keep it light, see if the lawyer has ideas. A family law/elder care attorney will be used to these situations. It’s important now, though, because it sounds like she can still sign it. It gets harder when the disease advances.

In terms of finances, I did eventually have to cut off my mom’s accounts and cards but unfortunately it took time. Whenever i tried, she would get furious. She always had a spending issue so it was not entirely new but much worse with dementia. She wound up eventually giving me control after she accidentally bought some big ticket items and it turned into a nightmare.

I was also lucky/unlucky: it got to the point where her bank and others called me with concerns, which made it easier for me to force decisions with her when needed.

One idea: maybe you could say you will manage the accounts but she can buy whatever she wants? That helped as a middle step for me. It gave my mom the sense she still had control but i knew what was happening.