How often do you visit?

Aera

I made the mistake of visiting my mom (every other day) the first time she was placed in a nursing home. It just kept her from acclimating and each time I visited her she thought I was taking her home. It was doing her more harm than good.

So, this time around (I took her out of the nursing home but had to put her back in 2.5 years later) I'm visiting her far less. The last time I had visited her was back in Dec. 18. It helps that the nursing home is not within walking distance and they're pretty good in keeping me informed regarding her condition.

I feel guilty but I feel she's acclimating better to her new surroundings (the last time I visited her she was upbeat and happy although she does have her bad days & they put her on lexapro 5mg which is quite low) & I'm scared that if I visit her she's going to get all agitated and insist I take her home.

To those of you who have placed your LO in a facility. How often do you visit?

SDianeL

I went once a week. I went at meal time so my DH would be distracted. When he asked to go home I said when the doctor said he could. He did ask every time. After I answered I changed the subject. Or you could offer a distraction. Ice cream worked for my DH. The facility had it handy. When you leave, don’t say goodbye, just quietly slip out. Tell the nurse you’re leaving so they can distract her if necessary. Is she on medication for anxiety? That may help.

Anonymousjpl123

I think it depends. I like going regularly to check on my mom’s care. BUT i keep the visits short and when things get hairy I leave. I think how much you visit should be dictated by what you have to give. This is a marathon not a sprint, as you know.

If you trust the staff and feel she is safe, fantastic. I do believe the adjustments/settle in period are for everyone involved. Catch up on taking care of yourself, go enough so they see you regularly, and let them be the caregivers. If she’s happy that’s a very very good sign.

ARIL

I visit often, but I have observed different patterns for other people’s family visits at the three facilities I’ve been involved with, ranging from hardly ever to every day.

How often you visit depends on your mom’s needs and your own. Sometimes these are literal: Do you need to replenish supplies? Do you need to talk to staff? Some needs are more emotional: Does your presence bring your mother pleasure? Do you need to see her for reasons of your own?

Mint

i go 2-3 times per week, another sister goes twice a week. Like someone else stated if we go and she acts out then we back off for a few days before we go back again and that always seems to work.

Aera

Ok. Thank you so much for all your responses!

I see that it's not all that unusual for them to ask to go home or to act out or become agitated.

My dad never asked to be back home or acted out but he was pretty much passive even when he didn't have dementia. My mom on the other hand had a more demanding nature and it shows now that she's sick.

Sigh. I think I'll pay a visit to her soon but I'm having mixed emotions about it. I find it so emotionally draining.

tmedia

I visit my mom in a MC facility once every two to three weeks. She is about an hour away. I use that time to refill supplies, check on her room for cleanliness, show her a few pictures/videos of grandkids, take her for a walk around the facility if it’s sunny and warm but I usually don’t stay too long. It’s been about 5 years that she has been in a facility. I use to be able to take her out for rides in the car and we’d go get coffee at a coffee shop but I’ve found that I cant take her out and about due to toileting and she feels very uncomfortable if she has an accident and I just can’t take care of her. I use to have her stay at my house for holidays but just can’t do that anymore either. I feel guilty not being able to bring her to my house but I have to think that she is better suited at the MC home where they know how to care for her. It is so hard to visit because of the “conversations” she has that don’t make sense. I can’t really “talk” to my mom the way we use to…. I feel like I’ve lost my mom to this terrible disease. If she knew she lived like this, with others changing her, bathing her, she would be mortified. I’m so sad every time I leave her.

Jude1

I visit my mother 5-6 days a week. We live in the same city. She's in a locked Memory Care ward of the nursing facility. The difficult part is using learned techniques to leave the visit without her getting very anxious.