Mom Making Up Stories

SHW_HELP

HELP! My mom has dementia. I don't know what type, because her primary doctor has been treating her for "memory" issues for several years. She began with taking donepezil and now memantine has been added. She is also on an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. She knows all her family, so that hasn't been an issue. However, she is angry with me all the time.

She is getting worse, because she makes up stories that are not at all what has happened. For example, took her to the dentist for routine visit. They did x-rays and cleaning. They discovered that she has some cavities that we will fill in a couple of weeks. She asked about when her next doctors appt was, so I mentioned the visit for the fillings. She blew a gasket. She said that the dentist did "that new treatment" so that we wouldn't have to return to the dentist and that her teeth are just fine, and she doesn't have any cavities. When I pointed out, which I probably shouldn't have, that I have the appointment card for the fillings, she said that she knows what was said and she accused me of trying to make her seem crazy. She does this all the time. She doesn't accept that she has any memory issues.

I do okay most of the time, but when she is yelling at me and accusing me of things that aren't real, I don't know how to cope, and I fall apart. I don't know how to deal with all of this. She is still living in her house with her dog. She doesn't drive, due to macular holes, so I take her to her appointments. I take care of all her needs: shopping, bill paying, appointments, meds, etc.

I need suggestions, because I'm at a loss. BTW, I am an only child.

H1235

Anosognosia is very common with dementia. It is the inability of a person with dementia to recognize/accept their symptoms or limitations. It is very difficult. Trying to convince her of reality is just going to cause everyone to get upset. The more you try the angrier she is going to get. You need to join her in her reality and that can be a hard to change to make. It is so easy to get sucked into trying to convince (an argument). It is often the person that does all the work in caring for a loved one that takes all the anger and blame (that’s my experience anyway). Is she still safe in her home alone? Would she know what to do if there was a fire, is there any chance of her going for a walk and getting lost, what about forgetting there is food on the stove and starting a fire. In my opinion it’s best to act before there is a tragic accident.

psg712

This is one of the toughest stages, in my opinion. She is still cognizant enough to WANT to handle her own affairs (and believes that she can do it), but the reality is that she is not capable of taking care of herself. She needs your help, but she is angry about it.

I wouldn't give her much lead time to think about things like appointments or other scheduled events. You will save yourself some of the agitation if you just call when you are on the way to let her know you are picking her up. Or if she needs help getting ready for an appointment, just show up, help her get ready, get in the car. You can't reason with her because SHE can't reason.

Think ahead about what to do when she can no longer live alone safely. She may already be at that point. One way to assess that is to spend a weekend with her. 24/7. But don't help her do anything. Just observe how she handles personal hygiene, meal prep and cleanup, talking with telemarketers, feeding and walking the dog. Set off her smoke detector, don't tell her what it is or how to respond…just see what she does. Think about how she'll handle an emergency if no one is with her.

JM27

Hi SHW,

I agree with the others. It’s very difficult at this stage. If she getting angry I would speak to Primary care about the anger.

Im in a similar situation with my father. He was living by himself can still walk, use the bathroom and shower on his own. But doing things like forgetting to eat, not throwing food out staying in pajamas all day ordering things off the tv and then bill came was forgetting he was the one who ordered things. He was also living alone and last year his DR recommended he no longer drive and advised me I needed to take him into my care for safety and well being.

I live in whole other state. Had to fib my way thru the last 10 months going forwarded. Told him he was coming for a visit and now he thinks he’s going home at some point. Unfortunately he also does not comprehend or acknowledged has memory issues. He thinks he’s going home and going to start a spin class at the gym. This what his reality is.

It’s very hard to have to take over. But you will need to do it at some point for her safety and well being. This is very hard to deal with especially when they are angry. If it wasn’t for his Primary care prescribing Lexipro I don’t know how I would get thru this. My father takes 5mg daily very low dose but it helped with his looping questions/thinking and his anger issues. Although he still repeats questions ect his anger and anxiety is better. I still have to fib about things and had to learn that it’s ok if he thinks xyz. But it isn’t easy.

Keep reaching out to for support.

SDianeL

what everyone else said plus things that will help you: read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Search online for Tam Cummings videos on caregiving. Learn all you can. It will help you help her. Her reasoner is broken so you can’t reason with her. It’s the disease not her. Hugs. 💜