Any tips for a caregiver to work out?

KathyF1

I’ve tried 5 caregivers. Every time, my DH (stage 6) likes them the first day, after that doesn’t want them around. Follows me everywhere very agitated. I’m tired and need help. Caregiver # 6 is starting Monday. So far she is the best I’ve seen, a CNA, works in hospice lots of experience. Very passionate about her work, very sharp, put together. The dream caregiver. I SO want her to work out. What can I do to ease her into his “space” so he doesn’t want her to leave? She said she’ll cook, do errands. Maybe start her off that way so he gets used to her gradually?

CindyBum

Well…I told my DW the caregiver was for me, because I needed help. I cooked the first meal with her without my DW involved in the cooking. The next time she came and I left and she made my DW breakfast. I leave the minute the caregiver comes unless we talk for a few minutes about what she'll be doing that day, so my DW can't follow me around. I go for coffee, or a nice long walk. I've napped in my car in the sunshine. Anything that let's me be totally alone and not in the house with both of them so they connect and so I'm not tempted to keep being a part of it.

It's worked, though my DW complains about her coming every time, I just tell her, "Thank you for helping me so much by having Jan (the caregiver) come to cook so I don't have to." That works for for my DW. She is driven by wanting to help.

Good luck!

KathyF1

Thank you! I could try that. Maybe if I’m not there he won’t focus on me. In the past he has just started walking looking for me but it’s been a while, I’m hoping as he progresses he won’t be so attached to me. As far as explaining who she is and why she’s there, I wish I could but his communication is gone (aphasia) and he has little understanding of anything I say. But I do think the idea of just disappearing is worth a try! Thanks!

ImMaggieMae

I stayed with them the first couple times. Even now,after a couple years, I’ll sometimes be in the room while she’s there if I’m not at the store or a med appointment of my own. She’s become part of the household on the days she is here. I told her that her only job is caring for him, no errands or housekeeping. There has never been a problem of him rejecting her. It’s worked out well.

Timmyd

I am not expert at this as I only have brief experience with our first paid companion. For the first few visits, I am there with the new companion. The companion is minimally involved, just some new person quietly hanging out in our house who observes and looks for small opportunities where it feels safe to engage. Over time they get more comfortable with each other and develop their own relationship. It is a process. I leave for brief periods. If you are lucky, it works out and you get to feel comfortable leaving them alone together for extended periods.

Bringing in a stranger (regardless of skill and experience) and immediately leaving them alone with a PWD in their house seems like unreasonable expectations. Perhaps that approach works for some lucky people.

Rick4407

I had hired help for the last 3 years of my wife's journey. I will offer a suggestion that may not be possible for some. My mind set was not hiring a caregiver for my wife. I would continue to do that as my primary function, the care giver was for the house. She would and did focus 100% on just keeping the house. Occasionally she would cook, maybe once a week. Occasionally she would stay with my DW if I needed to run out for 15-20 minutes at most 1-2 times a month. I did my DW hygiene, meds, laundry and most importantly companionship. I provided the helper room and board, $500 per week, a car, computer, etc. For the first 3 months she had an outside day job as a receptionist. Then I think she figured she had some security with me and my wife so she quit that and was full time taking care of the house. My DW and I did everything together, her Dr's and my Dr's, the hardware store, grocery shopping, yard work, etc. I kept my DW at home through stage 8. She died very peacefully with her two children there and me. Her last words keep me comforted to this day, She seemed aware and cognizant for the first time in over 2 or 3 years and said "I love you". I could not have asked for a better ending.

My focus was 100% on my wife's quality of life.

Biggles

That is so beautiful I so appreciated hearing this last part of your journey. I am hopefully working towards the same pattern. I know to some it doesn’t work but I am focusing on my DH and his requirements fitting in with mine. I have tried several companions non have worked out. They make me feel miserable, that’s not the space I need. I try to find things that work for us together. We have our milk-shake stops, our theatre shows in the afternoon (carefully picked), Sailability once a week where my DH is lifted by crane into a specially designed dinghy and I skipper a different dinghy with a different client this gives me a break, but we are still doing the same thing. I have had to reinvent myself and our lifestyle. Fingers crossed so far it’s working. I look at each change and decline as a challenge to be accepted and contended with. I just hope I can keep it up. Maybe this might help someone else face this horrible debilitating disease.

White Crane

My DH is in MC now but when he was home we had a caregiver come in twice a week. It took about a year before we found the right one. Don't give up. Sometimes it takes a while to find a good fit. I almost always left when the caregiver got there. That way they could get to know each other without him wanting me to do everything for him. The caregiver we finally settled on was great. She played rummy with him and brought him little treats. Sometimes she would bring an easy jugsaw puzzle for the two of them to put together or an easy game. I hope your new caregiver turns out to be the right fit.

KathyF1

Thank you all SO much for your advice. I have found 2 girls, both CNAs experienced with dementia. One will start Monday and plan on Mon- Wed. The other just on Fridays. I’ve told them both we are going to go very slow, at first just come in to clean, cook until he (hopefully) decides he likes them and is comfortable. Hoping I can get away some when he gets used to them. I don’t want complete freedom, just some time to myself.