Betrayed

6isenough

my lo knew he was having serious cognitive impairment. I knew long before he was willing to admit it and long before his law firm asked him to step down. He was aware enough to prepare legal action including DPOA of his finances. He named friends rather than me. I cannot even describe the nightmare that has ensued. He missed mortgage payments, Cobra payments and is spending money on things that are expensive and unnecessary. With the assistance of one of his DPOA, we have tried to find daily money management assistance. The first assistant could not help due to the complex situation we have. So far, he has not pursued another business. I have NO IDEA how much money is available. Our home is needing (NEEDING) repairs. I can’t access any of his banking and credit accounts. I have no idea what is owed and what resources are available to repay debt.

I have lupus, mixed connective tissue disease, and a chronic gastrointestinal intestinal disease. Stress causes flares and I am barely able to function. But I DO.

Am I a bad person to hire a divorce lawyer? Do I need someone who specializes in this kind of situation? I can’t forgive him. I have tried but he won’t talk to me or explain why even though he is still able to do so.

cry, cry, cry

ladyzetta

Dear Betraied.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. If this was me I would find a lawyer, that specializes with this. If you were aware of your DHs impairment and his law firm asked him to leave due to this. Chances are you can prove he was not capable of making these types of decisions. If this was all joint accounts and property I'm surprised he was able to do this. I think you should talk to a lawyer, soon. Good Luck

Carl46

I am so sorry you are in this mess.

I don't think you are a bad person to hire a divorce lawyer. I also don't have any better ideas regarding ways to salvage something from the financial train wreck that appears to be looming.

I have never been divorced and don't know a lot about it. I would think any divorce lawyer would know how to obtain information regarding your husband's assets and liabilities.

Good luck.

Timmyd

I am very sorry to read about your situation. My opinion is that if you do not have access to the financial resources to which you are legally entitled as per your marriage, then you should be talking to attorneys about what options are available. You may need to consult with an attorney to even understand what assets you are entitled to as per your marriage. You need to understand all of the choices available to you and be informed of the consequences of each of those choices. At that point you can make a very difficult, but informed, decision on how to proceed.

Divorce is one of those ugly words that rarely shows up on this discussion board. Do not let that dissuade you from researching all possible options available to take care of yourself.

Biggles

What a dreadful situation to find yourself in. How very sad and exhausting. You are definitely NOT a bad person.

You need a starting point then a plan so you can start to rectify your situation. Money seems to be the first thing. Your LO no longer has the capacity to understand what he is doing. Sometimes with this horrible disease it sounds like they know what should be done but their thinking mechanism (brain) is damaged so this isn’t possible. You need to take control (don’t tell him) but stop any more money disappearing. I’d talk to the banks or others that you owe money to, let them know the situation and that you are getting professional help. Then get the help you need.
If you like using apps, try ChatGPT it’s like talking to an impartial friend. You can ask anything such as “I don’t know where to start”

I feel for you, my DH and I were in a similar situation and for a time it was a nightmare with no income and an outstanding debt of A$250,000 with an interest rate of 8% per month. It’s such a difficult situation for you to be in. Keep venting here it helps.

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry you're going through this — and no, you are not a bad person for considering divorce. I agree with @ladyzetta - I'd go with an elder law attorney — they can get a handle on the finances, and will probably have some good ideas about divorce. I'd do this as soon as possible.

Here's a recent article about what an elder law attorney can do for you. The article mentions the Alzheimer's Association as a starting point, so you could call the number on this site.

MN Chickadee

Sounds perfectly reasonable to consider divorce. Either you fight the current paperwork and try to prove he didn't do it when he was of sound mind, or it stands. If it stands divorce may be your best choice. Work with an attorney on your options. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

trottingalong

I agree 100% with ladyzetta. The odds are he was already impaired when he had the DPOA drawn up. I would get an attorney familiar with these types of things like an elder law attorney vs. divorce attorney. At least to start out. I marvel at times how “normal” my husband can seem, but he’s not. Your husband is incapable of appropriately comprehending or even able to feel empathy for you. So my first step would definitely be searching for an elder law attorney and making calls.

BPS

I think you should act fast to get control of your finances and find out your options. Even if you decide on a divorce or legal separation, you still will have the option of helping him through this disease if you choose to.

CindyBum

You are not a bad person. Please do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Russinator

I'm sorry this is happening to you. If this was me I would find a lawyer fast.

jfkoc

I would see a divorce lawyer as well as certified elder care attorney. Additionally carefully read the DPOA. The agent(s) name have a legal fiduciary responsibility and should know about all of the finances and be able to pay for repairs as well as daily expenses.

M5M

JFKOC has a very important point: the DPOA should have access and knowledge of the financial situation and be able to funnel cash to the overwhelming needs/responsibilities. If DPOA doesn't know or handle their duties, then they likely can be replaced (as in, replaced by you, if you want.) A skilled attorney should be able to unravel all this, but be sure you get some sound referrals as to whom to see.

Also, you ight talk with your various banks/financial institutions. They can be alert to scam type situations (or $$ transfers over some limit) that might pop up and perhaps intervene some.

Prayers you find help.

6isenough

Where have you all been throughout my life. I don’t have any friends or family I can trust. You are the best people and I appreciate you all!

Quilting brings calm

yes, I’d call a lawyer.

Iris L.

Consider guardianship.

He will need some sort of third party legal intervention in order for a divorce to be accomplished. You might as well consider guardianship if his cognitive status will require additional legal work.

Iris