How do you deal with the guilt?

ElleKitty

Hello everyone. I recently found this forum and have been reading a little here and there.

My mother was diagnosed with Dementia back in 2018, or 2019. Type or cause is unknown, although there is evidence of a small stroke. I, their only child, was living far away and Dad took care of Mom. Then Dad went through a round of medical issues and lost the battle to cancer in 2022.

I don't think I've even grieved for Dad yet. I stepped immediately into Mom's protector and provider. For three years I drove 5 hours every other Friday evening to spend the weekend with her, ensure she had groceries, set up her pill dispenser, fought with insurance, bills, and the VA for her. Drove the 5 hours home on Sunday. She never seemed to get worse in those years. She'd turn the water on to water the flowerbeds and forget to turn them off resulting in water bills that were out of this world, but she was fixated on making sure the stove and burners were always turned off. To the point of turning them off if I was trying to cook something and wasn't standing immediately at the stove.

The house is a few miles outside of a small rural town. Emergency services would be delayed if needed, possibly by the trains that stop across the main road into town.

This January she started being unsafe. I got a call from the local Sheriff, a neighbor had found her walking down the road. She put a bottle of water in her pocket, and a roll of coins and set out to walk the 14 miles to a lake house that our family members sold decades ago, because that is where my Dad "was with his family". (True enough, but they're all deceased and Mom can't get there by walking.)

She fell in the house and hit her head. She managed to get to the neighbor's house and they were kind enough to take her to the emergency room and kept me informed. I was out of the state for work, so of course I was panicked and distraught.

The city police called next. She was trying to walk into town to find the bus station, because another deceased person was waiting for her. A kind neighbor had picked her up and given her a ride to the courthouse not knowing of her mental challenges. Our very good friends took her back home and essentially lived with her for a few weeks until I could make arrangements.

Every time I would get there, Mom would be upset because during the evening the house was full of people. Her parents, her sisters, Dad, in-laws, but when she would wake up the house was empty, and no one would tell her that they were leaving. She won't believe they're all deceased and I don't argue. She calls me wanting the phone number to her family's old cafe, that was torn down before I was born. There are days she doesn't remember giving birth to a child, so I become Sister instead of Daughter. (This concerns me because Motherhood is core to my mother's entire being.)

I finally gave in. Last week I brought Mom down to where I live (no more 5 hour drives) to a Memory Care facility near me. It has been a rough week for both of us. She realizes the other people in care are "crazy", but she isn't crazy. She needs to go home. She has to ask permission to go outside. She just wants to go fishing and walk in the woods. She has absolutely no idea about the things she does that are so unsafe. She just cries that she wants to go home. that neighbor boy has probably broken into the house and stolen her things by now. (symptom, 'that neighbor boy' has done so much good for her.) Now I feel like the biggest piece of poop that ever walked the earth for doing this to my beloved Mama.

How do y'all deal with this guilt?

H1235

Welcome. You did not do this to your mom the dementia did. If she had been left in the situation she was in she would probably not be alive much longer. There are so many ugly things that could have happened and it sounds like she was very lucky something more serious didn’t happen. I don’t feel guilty, because I know my mom would not be alive right now if I had not brought her to AL.

SusanB-dil

Hi ElleKitty - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. Sorry for the loss of your dad.

H1235 is totally correct. You didn't 'do this'. You are the one stepping up and making sure she is safe. You will always be her advocate, but now she is safe and comfortable 24/7, which is something precious few can accomplish at home.

The first time my mother called me by her sister's name really threw me for a loop! So yes, a lot of us can relate to that as well.

It is a horrid disease! All of us HATE 'this'

((hugs))

psg712

She doesn't understand it, but you are your mom's hero. You and the friends who looked out for her until you could get her safely into memory care.

You may feel like the villain, but you are doing what is necessary for her safety. Give her time to adjust. Give yourself time too. Is there a provider at her facility who can prescribe something to help her anxiety if she can't settle down?

Some of my long distance family were critical of my decision to move my mom from out of state to a facility near me. After she was here about a month and I had more opportunity to observe her, I no longer felt guilty about moving her. I felt guilty that I hadn't done it sooner, because her need was so obvious.

Keep coming to this site. Many of us have been where you are, and you will find a lot of support and good information.

Quilting brings calm

You didn’t give her dementia, you didn’t give her the symptoms that are making it unsafe for her to live alone. She can’t live with you either because you have to work. So you are doing this -placing her in a safe environment FOR her, not to her. You will still be her advocate, and you will be able to make sure she has what she needs. A doctor told me this: you can’t make your parents happy because they are broken, but you can do what you can to keep them safe.

ElleKitty

That may be the best thing my husband has done for me yet. He put his foot down many years ago. I am free to do whatever I have to do to keep my Mom safe and cared for, but he would not let her move in with us. She can visit, but she cannot live in our home. Bless him for that.

ARIL

I echo everyone else. You are not a villain. In fact, you have likely saved your mother's life. Trying to keep her safe long-distance got to be impossible (as you found). I know all too well. I've been there too. And like psg712, I was criticized for moving my PWD to a facility near me, but only by people who knew very little about the situation and had a romanticized, Hallmark-movie fantasy of what it might mean to "age in place." Others criticized me for not moving my parent into my house, which was also impossible. But those who understood—including my parent's brother—supported me. Find those people in your life who understand. And/or come here. We understand.

Your mom is safe now; she wasn't before. That's the first, HUGE step. Give it time. Instead of nourishing your guilt, remind yourself that somebody had to make a mature and loving decision, and you did it. Good for you. Yes, this disease is dreadful. We understand that too. Hang in there.

terei

You did something FOR your mother, not TO her. She needs 24/7 care + she is getting it. She may be helped with an antidepressant, though I always think, if I were in that position, I would be depressed too. Make sure the staff is getting her to ALL activities. I told them at my mom’s facility, ‘go and get her and tell her ‘time for bingo’ or whatever’ and take her there. No ‘do you want to…?’ She may become interested in some activity they have + feel somewhat better about the situation. You are lucky you got her into a facility before there was a crisis, which was surely coming.