Dealing with the 'loss' of my mother

newmomma

Hi all. Very new to this. My mother (57) has just been officially diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. We've been noticing it for the past 2 years, but only recently has she been given a diagnosis. Unfortunately, because of her age, it's progressing pretty rapidly.
I'm pretty young (24) and just had my first daughter 2 months ago. I never really imagined what my life would look like as a mother without my own mom. Don't get me wrong, she is still very cognizant and aware of my pregnancy, birth, etc... but it's not the same as I thought it would be. Many young mothers have their own mother to lean on once they give birth, but for me that's limited. I love her dearly, but am worried about the future.
My mother can drive, but she shouldn't. I live about 45 minutes away right now and would never trust her to drive that far. She loves to be involved with my daughter, but needs to call multiple times to remember what I mentioned about diapers, clothing size, etc. (which really isn't a bother, but happens often). I don't trust her to look after my daughter for an extended period of time, which we learned when my brother had tried to leave my niece there and she would forget feedings and nap times even if written down. I have to monitor her when holding my daughter because she forgets the 'no kissing' rule. She's mentioned many times wanting to come and stay with me for a few days to 'help' me, but at her stage she struggles with working the washing machine, stove, her phone. It would be a lot of me still helping her while also caring for a newborn. It's small things, and are minuscule in her actual daily struggle, but are hard to deal with newly postpartum. My daughter is one of the few things that bring her joy every day, and I hate the fact that she can't be involved like both she and I wanted her to be.
I'm really struggling with the fact that I can't rely on my mother the same way I used to or expected to. When things are tough or it's a long night, I can't ask her to drive to me or call her at any hour. It's sounds selfish, and even completely healthy I usually would never want to rely on her, but when the day is hard sometimes all you want is your mom. I know I'm a grown adult now but that feeling never changes.
Like I said, she is progressing fairly quickly, and I have no clue what our next steps are because of how recently she's been diagnosed. Has anyone else had a child while their parent was diagnosed? Did you have to cope with the fact that you could not rely on her the same way you did when you were younger?

SusanB-dil

Hi newmomma - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. And congratulations on new baby!

Yes, it is difficult when you realize you can no longer lean on mom, after having that your whole life.

You are correct in that she should not be on the road. One of the most difficult aspects of 'this' is to get your LO off the road, but is most imperative for her safety as well as others who have to be on the road with her. She could hurt others or herself. With diagnosis, insurance may not pay.

It also sounds like she should not be alone at home. Sooo much to consider in the home for safety - medicines, stove, falls, etc. Do start looking at getting assistance for her, or even placement. Check resources near you and maybe check into medicaid for assistance.

Is paperwork in order? DPOA and HIPAA accesses are very important. You can check with a CLEC (elder care lawyer) for steps on that.

I'm sorry you are dealing with 'this'

H1235

I second what susan said. The first thing we were told when mom was diagnosed was to legal matters in order. A DPOA is very important! Paying bills was one of the first issues we noticed. I wouldn’t trust her to tell you it’s all fine. You probably need to get a little noisy. It must be really tough as a young mom to not be able to have your mom there for you. So sorry you are going through this at such a young age.