Struggle

monicashanon

As the years go by, I notice my dad struggle with something new that he never had struggled with before. For example, he had normally cut the grass all 28 of my years on this earth, but now he's forgetting how to operate the mower. That is okay. Other arrangements can be made. What’s hard is for me to watch him struggle and know there is nothing I can do. Thank goodness he has my mom to care for him and watch over him. She is a saint. It’s not easy watching both of them struggle. There are good and bad days. Today I felt the sadness a little extra. This is the most difficult experience of my life.

SusanB-dil

It isn't easy. Not. At.all.

And do make sure mom gets breaks.

((hugs))

eaglemom

Yes there are struggles and then there are good days. You need to make sure your mom doesn't get too over run with taking care of your dad and handling everything else. It's not easy and the older one gets the more difficult it becomes. That's when you need to step in and lend a helping hand.

We are here to help you on this journey.

eagle

monicashanon

Oh I am there on a daily basis to try to break up the day for her. That’s also a struggle too. I want to give her as much help as I can, but he has a very hard time being away from her. She is his security blanket. And he is very stubborn. There are so many unique situations i’m learning through all of this. Thank you :)

monicashanon

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242697#Comment_242697

do you have any suggestions how I can give her a break and help out considering my dad is so set on being with her all of the time? He is stubborn and also just has a hard time understanding where she is if she is not around. I try to stop over every day of the week even just to sit and visit to give her a little mental break. I feel helpless. It’s a unique situation.

eaglemom

You said it exactly - your mom is his security. You'll just have to get creative. When you get to there house see say something like "dad can you come listen to the car? Its making a funny sound." When he gets outside & of course the car sounds fine all of a sudden remember it made that funny sound when you were turning. So dad has to get in the car and off you go for a ride - turning and listening. Oh look, Dairy Queen, Sonic, Wendy's whatever you have - I am so thirsty, I'm going to get us a drink. Park the car so he realizes you going inside to get your drink, then sit down and discuss what could have been wrong with the car that its not happening now? When you head back - take the long way. Little outings like that will help mom get a deep breath, a shower or just be able to sit and recuperate for a bit.

eagle

H1235

I think I would have a very upfront conversation with your mom about what she needs/what is causing her the most stress. I would then see how you can help. If she is sick of cooking meals, next time you make a batch of something you know they like freeze up a few containers for two. If managing bills is stressful, maybe you could take over. If picking up prescriptions and putting them in dispensers is too much, take that over. As eglemom suggests I wouldn’t worry about honesty with your dad. If there is some story you can tell him that will ease your mom being away then use it. Distracting him is also a good idea. You’ll have to try a few things and see what works.

harshedbuzz

@monicashanon

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, (especially as young as you are) but pleased you found this place.

Sadly, your situation isn't at all unique. Most PWD glom onto one individual as "their person" to some degree. In extreme cases, this can include insisting a caregiver is always sitting (my dad who was too lazy to shadow) with them or shadowing them room-to-room as they go about all the household tasks that are now 100% their responsibility. What your mom is living can break the more loving caregiver.

My take may be a little unorthodox, but I think the best thing you can do for your mom (and by extension dad and yourself) is to insist mom gets regular respite. She needs this for her physical health as well as her mental health. Caregiving is stressful. Many spousal caregivers find themselves at unhealthy weights, with newly diagnosed HBP, depression and diabetes. Many struggle to prioritize their own preventative care and end up diagnosed later in the game than is ideal. My own mom suffered a BP crisis that cost her the vision in one eye and her drivers license through self-neglect.

As a result, I prioritize the well-being of the caregiver. The visits are great, but that's not going to be protective of her health. Fully one-third of caregivers die before their PWD.

I can appreciate that dad'll be upset if mom disappears on him. He'll get over it. My dad got really pissy if I made his lunch while visiting and mom was home. He would get agitated if mom went out and I stayed. I didn't let him have his way anymore than I let my preschool-aged son dictate which parent made his sandwich. He would fuss about when she was coming back. I reassured him and told him it was nice to be able to spend time with just him which made him happy. Her survived. In time, we were able to introduce as home aide who we called a housekeeper son mom could get 15 hours a week to do whatever she wanted or needed to do. This break allowed dad to stay in his own home longer than if she was his only caregiver.

That said, you need a Plan B. Both parents need a DPOA for financial and health decisions. Mom can be dad's POA with you (or another sibling) as successor agent but dad can't be mom's. Should something happen that incapacitates mom, someone needs have the authority to step in immediately and arrange his care. To that end, you should tour MCFs and SNF/rehabs in the event he needs to go into care. You don't want to have to make a decision on the fly.

HB