Driving

Pmmommie

So, Dad's been living with Vascular Dementia and the beginnings of Alzheimers since 2023. HIs short term memory is gone and his ability to cook is gone as well. With me myself and I as his POA, I pay his bills( I provoide him with his junk mail and solicitations) which he syas h e has to pay and sits it in a pile. When he does get them ready and in an envelope I take them home. I schedule his appointments, etc. His license was taken away 2 years ago. I've sold his car.

He's been in AL for 4 months and wants a car to drive. He gets upset with the fact that he has no car and doesn't believe the state took his license. I took him to get a state ID and Kentucky sent him a new license. Yes, I called to correct it. It's a recurring heated discussinon. He wants proof of his condition and loss of his license. In his anger, he says his attorny will take care of this and he wants to call the state to make sure of this. I've explained numerous times that there are definite reasons why he can't drive. He wants the proof and wants all the paperwork involved. I've told him everything from with him driving, we can't have our adventures and the state feels it necessary for him to not drive. He's fighting tooth and nail to drive and wants to take the steps to drive. I've secretly thought about letting him take the written and driving test ( on a closed course) just so he hears this from officials. I've even explained that it would take calling out several doctors and hospitals and calling them liars and then have to prove it. He doesn't believe his condition and he is firm in the fact that no one has told him.

How do I difFer? How do I explain so he'll understand? How do I keep him from the rage? How do I change the subject? I'm at a loss.

H1235

My mom often wants proof of her dementia. I have given her the neurologist results. She doesn’t believe them anymore. Thinks the doctor doesn’t know what she is talking about. So I don’t think anything you do, say or show him is going to work. If fact it may just upset him more. Many here have told their loved ones their car is being repaired over and over. My mil moved to Al in the winter. She was told that all the snow limited parking spaces available in the Al lot and we would see if there was room for it in the spring. That worked. By spring we would go for a visit and she would see the things we brought her on the counter and tell us she just got back from the store. I would try to reframe your thinking a bit. Instead of trying to explain and convince I would avoid the idea that he cant drive all together and make excuses. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

The cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club is never try to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner.

There's no point to explaining. He likely has anosognosia and cannot appreciate the ways in which he is impaired. Even if you, or his doctor, or even the state explained this to him, and he did agree in the moment— he would forget because he has dementia.

Is he in a secure MC or a hospitality-model AL? If it's the latter, it may be time for MC. If you aren't there yet, medication to help him get "unstuck" may help with this kind of situation.

If he is in a secure MCF, there's no reason to explain or say "no". Before dad went to MC, he did know he wasn't supposed to drive and was angry about it. We found it better to validate his emotions and agree that it was unfair. Reminding him of the whys behind the discission only made him angry and aggressive.

My dad carried on about driving until the day he died. Literally. The very last convo we had was me promising to bring his car in case he wanted to go somewhere. I calmly agreed and said I'd bring it next time, that it would be in parked the employee's lot and I would leave the keys at the front desk. This made him happy.

Sometimes it's best to say what a PWD wants to hear rather than what is true.

HB

terei

Quit trying to convince him of anything…it wont work. Use some kind of excuses. Tell him you contacted the DL office + tried to make him an appointment for getting a DL, but there are none available right now because of so many appoints for people wanting ‘Real ID’. Tell him you will continue to call + will let him know as soon as you get an available appointment. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

jehjeh

I second the ideas from terei above. Reassuring him that you are on top of it and he is on the list for an appointment. Tell him you'll call to confirm...My DH has dementia and trying to explain and reason with him is just frustrating for us both and makes him angrier and more confused. He is just as certain about his perspective as i am about mine.

This has got to be one of the most frustrating aspects of this disease. It keeps me on my toes and im so proud of myself when I get it right. 😀