I feel myself withdrawing emotionally

RetiredTeacher

I still love my husband but I feel myself withdrawing emotionally. We've been together 39 yrs but our relationship is very different now. I see my husband declining cognitively and physically. He is 76 but acts more like 86. I am 68 and i

on a good day feel more like 48. I know this disease is a one way street, there is no getting better. It's been several years now, I observe his overall decline and I feel myself pulling back, withdrawing emotionally, seeing things more rationally. I think I'm withdrawing emotionally and reacting to the tasks that need to be done, help and support he needs and perhaps protecting myself from the inevitable. It can't be the same as it was before, lovers, best friends and confidants....I sure miss that and would give anything to change reality but perhaps this is the face of acceptance or an attempt to save myself emotionally on this long slow decline so this dreaded disease does not destroy both of us. I'm wondering if anyone out there can relate to what I'm feeling.

MontanagirlCA

Yes I can totally relate to what you are saying. I’m older but I still miss my partner. I feel very lonely and disconnected after 4 plus years of DH decline. We have been married 45 years, not all of them happy. I feel so much better coming to this site for support. Thank you to everyone!

cdgbdr

On some level, I am objective about it and show my love by arranging and managing care. I don’t think I was ever good at being married but it's a completely different situation now. We've been together around 35 years. I'm 66, still working and he is 72 with dementia that is progressing. It sucks.

trottingalong

I feel so much like you. My husband is 81, I’m 68. He’s always been so athletic and still looks much younger than his years. Those days are gone. We have had a wonderful marriage for 35 years, no complaints there. But now with lung issues and dementia, I have lost my friend and confidante. I think before I speak. I miss having conversations about science, history, memories and so much more. The burden of not being able to discuss anything pertaining to our home, finances, etc can be stressful at times. I also have so much more energy than he does and I have to justify doing anything around the house. He’s kind and sweet, confused and scared. I want to get out with my dog and horse and ride. I just can’t. Somewhere along the line my emotions changed from loving this man to caring for someone that has become more like a patient. I feel bad and sometimes have to remind myself to tell him I Love him and hug him. I have withdrawn emotionally over time. I’m thinking it happens to most of us sooner or later. We mourn what we miss.

JJ401

Over the years I watched couples in restaurants eating together, but not talking to each other. Now that’s us a lot of the time. It’s lonely.

l7pla1w2

I noticed the same thing with DW and me. In my opinion, withdrawing is self-protective. Becoming primarily rational spares you some of the emotional pain and also lets you focus on getting done all the things that need doing.

wose

I’m in the exact position you are. My DH is 76 and I’m 67. I think a young 67 ( but my face is so so wrinkly from stress and not caring for me), cause I love any and all activities and new adventures. He was never like that and now all he does is watch tv and drink beer. We’ve been married 15 years, but there wasn’t any hugs, hand holding or affection and now I must come to terms with that. So yes, I have detached emotionally but my heart still hopes. The complete loss of hope is what I struggle with. I’ve been alone a big chunk of my life, so it’s not the fear of being alone. It’s the reality that living with someone that doesn’t care for whatever reason, is unbearably heartbreaking. You detaching is perfectly normal and may even be necessary for self preservation. Hugs💕💜

BAG

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73038/i-feel-myself-withdrawing-emotionally

I could not have stated the situation better and I would add that there were many fun years. I feel guilty at times and try to distract him from his angry rants. He is 83 and even simple card games are difficult. He is isolated and has no hobbies so we are together almost 24 /7. He has no friends or hobbies. I did rescue an older dog several months ago which has helped with distraction. The dog adores him and was a trained rescue. Do you wonder how long this goes on?I am seeing a behavioral therapist very two weeks. He suggests ways to handle various situations.

This forum is good because we realize that we are not alone.

SDianeL

yes I can relate but couldn’t express it as well as you did. And I agree it’s self protection. It’s anticipatory grief and the stages are similar. Denial, anger, acceptance. It’s a terrifying and heartbreaking disease for both the person and their caregiver. Hugs. 💜

Bridge4

Totally feel that. Pauline Boss has a couple of excellent books on her research dealing with Ambiguous Grief- that sense of loss and the feelings of guilt, shame, anger and yearning when someone we love is still alive, but the life we knew together is forever lost. From our earliest years, my DW and I enjoyed the longest talks on everything from art and culture to science, economics, politics, travel, etc. She will never be able to share thoughts and ideas like that again, and memories of the amazing things we did together are lost to her forever. Worse yet, I still find myself turning to her with excitement to share an observation and then abruptly put the brakes on because I realize that my comment or question would cause her frustration and result in agitation, criticism, or an emotional outburst. Yeah, the love can still be expressed through our patience and caregiving, but the equal partnership is a thing of the past and worthy of mourning.

Lgb35

I can relate! DH is 61 and I at 55 and still working. DH is still independent but I do need to keep an eye out so he doesn’t ruin stuff. (Diesel in the lawn mower😬) we have been married 37 years this summer. I do feel myself planning for the future alone and he notices. I try to include him so he feels like he is still part of the decisions but in honesty he is not. He gets too confused and can’t make a decision. Even something as basic as which vinyl plank flooring to put down. I was listening to my sister talk about how since her hubby retired he took over the household chores and cooking and doing the dishes. My mom’s nurse said it was the same for her. It was very hard knowing I will never have that. I do think it is partially self protective but also as they decline it’s their inability to be your partner

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73038/i-feel-myself-withdrawing-emotionally

As you noted, it is self -protection. We have been married 66 years. Although DH is not quite stage 4, his brain isn't working very well. He asks what I used to call ridiculous questions to which he no longer really knows the answers to, he mixes facts with made up fictions. The man I used to be able to carry on lively political, philosopical or theological discusssions with is MIA. If I let all my feelings out, I could not do what I need to do, which is to be patient (Still working on that), never contradict, see to it that his needs are met and, hopefully, some of mine. I don't know how to find a middle point between emotional withdrawal and feeling all the negative things that I would have to stuff down to be a caretaker.

I just trust that my being with DH and being as gentle and patient as i can be, will be love in action, even if not felt. Sorry that you find yourself in this sad place.

marier

I agree with all that is stated above. My love for my DH is still strong but it is different today then days gone by.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243171#Comment_243171

Thank you for so eloquently putting into words how I feel. I have a hard time explaining to friends and family. “I still find myself turning to her with excitement and abruptly put the brakes on.” I feel this may be one of the most difficult truths for me to explain to others.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243146#Comment_243146

I could of written this word for word. Thank you.

Russinator

 I wish it wasn't true; however, as you said "it can't be the same as it was before, lovers, best friends and confidants....I sure miss that and would give anything to change reality" and it saddens me greatly.

BAG

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243160#Comment_243160

Thank you❤️

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73038/i-feel-myself-withdrawing-emotionally

I can definitely relate. We can not have a conversation anymore and it is very difficult for me to relate to him at all. We have been married for 45 years. I hate just about everything about our lives. We don't really have a future. I don't have any plans.

Katherine1R

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243188#Comment_243188

I find myself in a similar situation. I like your idea of "love in action, even if not felt". I'm going to try hard to remember that. Thank you.

GloriaV

I totally understand. I am sad that my husband has changed. For me lately he is angry. He is in denial. He doesn’t have any interests and wants me around all the time.

Dmarcotte

Thank you so much for sharing this - I am also finding myself withdrawing emotionally from my DH. His behavior has changed dramatically in the last year and has become angry, dismissive, demeaning, aggressive and just all around difficult. I don't want to spend time with him anymore because no matter what I do or say it is wrong.

I was feeling very guilty about withdrawing from him to protect myself - like I am destroying our marriage of 30 years and if I could only figure out how to do 'better' everything would be okay again.

I have finally realized that no matter what I do or how I behave the man I knew and loved will continue to disappear. Now I have to take care of myself, while I do my best to care for him so this doesn't destroy me too.

Arrowhead

I wish I could emotionally withdraw. I'm highly emotional and my wife's condition brings it to the surface a lot more often than I wish it would.

wose

Thanks @Dmarcotte and @Arrowhead for words of wisdom. I too am beating myself up for not being more tolerant. No matter what I say or how I say it …it’s a losing battle. I’ve tried to tone down my voice, but it’s me and I’m an excitable person. I’m better than I was tho. But, how to remain calm and cool when you’re being battered, belittled and blamed. As @Chris20cm says music is my life. It’s my saving grace. I’m going to start guitar lessons also. We need to try to help ourselves also.

Old Iowan

Same here and after 46+ years of good marriage - She's been in MC since January - I just keep reminding myself my DW is just not the woman I married and keep hating the disease - BEST of luck!!

RetiredTeacher

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243330#Comment_243330

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243171#Comment_243171

Ty Bridge 4 for the tip about Pauline Boss books. I have reserved a copy of Ambiguous Loss at the local library. Ty for the information, I appreciate it.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243335#Comment_243335

I, too, am highly emotional and I find that tears come very quickly when he won’t let me help him or if he’s continuously insulting me. As hard as I try to keep my composure (deep breaths, leave the room, etc) I can’t seem to emotionally withdraw all the time.