2 parents with dementia/Alz advice please!

cabsibs

Hi there,

I am brand new to this community and my siblings and I are at a loss. My dad was diagnosed recently with stage 4 Alzheimer's. He has trouble tracking and it is still in denial and continues to tell us he is fine and nothing is wrong. I am unsure if that will ever abate. The issue is that my stepmom is his caregiver and we are very concerned that she is exhibiting signs of dementia. She has been confabulating for several months and often these stories are harmful about my dad or other family members. Her mood swings are becoming more frequent and severe and she is beginning to have trouble with dates. She is also in denial and refuses to be evaluated by a doctor. The issue is that she is the primary caregiver for my father and in charge of health decisions. Our concerns are twofold. 1) how do we ensure that my father is receiving adequate health care and 2) how can we take care of her and have her evaluated? My stepsister lives in the area and is doing her best to make sure they are eating regularly and is trying to keep up with their bills. At the moment they are both able to dress independently and feed themselves. We are concerned for the future and for getting her care. Has anyone else dealt with two parents experiencing symptoms at the same time? Any advice would be appreciated.

Jpez

I did experience this. Ultimately caring for my FIL was too much for my MIL he ended up falling and breaking a hip, which sent him to the hospital then to a nursing home. I highly recommend a second set of eyes. I would look into an in home care provider, if it can be afforded. You could use it as a help to your step mom. This will certainly be tricky to manage.

H1235

I would think someone is going to need DPOA for both of them (other than each other). Given their anosognosia (belief that nothing is wrong) it doesn’t sound like that is unlikely to happen. It would be wise for your step mom to appoint someone other than your dad as a DPOA regardless of her current mental state. It’s a common practice. Maybe that suggestion without bringing up her possibly having dementia would work. Without a DPOA you will need to file for guardianship. I would see an elder law attorney as soon as possible. As far as getting getting her evaluated I would strongly suggest you give up trying to convince her there is a problem. Tell her she is due for an annual check up, then send a list of concerns to the doctor prior to the appointment. Use whatever excuse you think will work. As far as keeping your dad safe. That’s a tough one. I doubt they will allow caregivers to come in given the anosognosia and family can only do so much. I would keep a record of the incidents you are troubled by. This may help you with guardianship. It’s my understanding that as part of the guardianship process a mental health evaluation is done. This would probably cause a lot of turmoil, but I don’t know that I can see any other route. I hope you can find a solution.

ARIL

I have indeed lived through this—the exact scenario you describe although with stepsisters who agreed with their mom that she was perfectly fine and created obstacles to care. It took a health crisis and a hospitalization to get anything done. Fortunately no one died in the meantime from faulty meds or a fall.

I had to go for an incremental approach, doing what was possible as it became possible. It was harrowing, and it will take me years to get past the anger and resentment. Things are better now, and they are both safe, although the disease is taking its toll.

I feel for you. A lot.