How to deal with a mom that thinks you're stealing.

momunoz

Hello, first time poster and just wanted to get some advice. My 87yr young mother is in early/mid stage dementia. Her short term memory is at maybe 30%. And unfortunately she's begun to confuse long term memories with recent ones. Example, she thinks my grandma who passed away 47 yrs ago just passed away a couple years ago and continually mistakes me (son) for her mother. On top of that she has the common paranoia of people taking her things so she hides her purse/wallet and when she forgets where, she accuses me of taking them. She's become very argumentative about her bank card and money and continually accuses me of taking it and stealing her money. Anytime I suggest an approach for her to better keep track of her stuff she says I just want her out of my house. Any advice how to deal? I've begun looking at assisted living/memory care places but realistically I/she could only afford to be in one for a year or so. Plus she's so paranoid about her stuff (furniture/appliances) she would want to take all her stuff with her.

SusanB-dil

Hi momunoz - this is, unfortunately, quite common. There are meds that can dial back that agitation without being zombied. Also, you could probably diffuse the situation by just 'agreeing' with her... 'I'm not sure where your purse is, but I'll help you find it'

also, are you keeping track of the finances and bank cards? A lot of times it helps to put either expired cards or already-spent money cards in the wallet.

Sorry you are dealing with 'this'

harshedbuzz

@momunoz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

A couple of thoughts. If mom's assets are limited, it may be necessary for her to convert to Institutional Medicaid once she spends down. Even in states with filial support laws, it's rare for family to be required to pay for care. An elder law attorney could advise you specific to your state.

To my ear, it sounds like your mom is further in terms of progression than early/mid stage. The accusations of theft and inability to recognize close family members is a late Stage 5— Moderately Severe Dementia symptoms. Below— see Tam Cumming's Stages

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

The best practice for her misplacing things and accusing you of theft is to remove anything important from her possession behind her back. I removed dad's license and credit cards and kept them in mom's or my wallet as needed. I replaced the real license with a laminated copy (illegal in my state, but he wasn't driving) and some expired cards they had. I also left him with $20 in ones so her felt like he had money.

For the actual accusations and her upset, you are making the rookie mistake of trying to reason with a person with a broken reasoner. We've pretty much all done this. The situation will blow over a whole lot faster and with less upset for you both if you validate her feelings, apologize, and offer to help her. Saying something like "Oh that's terrible you were robbed, let me help you find where they hid your stuff".

This might be hard for you at first. A lot of "kids" feel guilty lying to a parent. That wasn't my issue. My dad and I had a challenging relationship, and I grew up on unfair accusations, so I was reluctant to apologize for something I didn't do. But as this phase of dad's dementia dragged on with him routinely accusing me of stealing $360K from him by various means, I decided to go for it. I told him I was sorry I took his money and promised never to steal any again. He immediately calmed down and dropped it.

HB

H1235

I agree that medication might help. I also agree that it’s best to avoid confrontation as much as possible. She is always right. The sky is green the grass is blue- ok! Offer to help her find the missing item. If it’s something she shouldn’t have then, you can’t find it, but put on a show. Of helping her look. I know it’s dishonest, but if it calms her it’s worth it. My mom is very angry about money, but doesn’t accuse me of stealing. I try to avoid the topic. I would rather she is mad than to have her scammed out of a bunch of money because I didn’t want her mad at me. It’s rough! People with dementia loose so much independence anger and accusations are common. We moved mom to assisted living and she expected regular visits to her house so she could look through her things. This is another sore subject, since I have not taken her to her house since the move to Al. We do the best we can, but there are times she is just going to be upset (it stinks). Hang in there.