Dealing with anger and frustration

pmina1632

I am an only child caring for my 77 year old mom with Alzheimer’s. Not exactly sure what stage she’s in but it’s estimated she’s had it for over 5 years. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship and I have no patience when because of her short term memory loss she argues with me over things that she says didn’t happen, she still tries to take care of me or tell me what to do, or she insists she can do everything by herself (like mowing the lawn!). I don’t want to be a horrible son but I’m at my wits end. She really needs a caregiver in the home at least part time but she fights it relentlessly and doesn’t think she can afford anything because she can’t understand her finances anymore. I’m sure I’m not the first or last person to deal this but it’s miserable. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.

H1235

Welcome! Do you have durable power of attorney? This is so important. Dementia is just so awful. In my opinion keeping her safe has to trump keeping her happy. I can totally understand mowing the lawn. My moms logic is “ if I can push my walker there is no reason I can’t push the lawnmower”. People with dementia often have anosognosia. It is the inability to recognize or understand their symptoms or limitations. It is the worst! My mom has talked about reupholstering a couch, deep cleaning her carpets, powering washing and staging the swing (I could go on and on). Thankfully her doctor said she was not safe to live alone (she took it better from the doctor). She is now in assisted living, but not happy about it and of course blames it all on me. I have learned (well I’m trying anyway) not to let her suck me into an argument. There is NEVER any reasoning with a person with dementia! They are always right! If it’s something that doesn’t matter I just agree with her, correcting her serves no purpose. When it’s something more heavy (I want to move back to my house) I think it’s best to change the subject of just avoid those topics. The problem is sometimes she just refuses to speak to me at all. It’s hard, but I know she’s safe and is not going to burn herself and her house down when she forgets she was frying bacon. I would be cautious of finances, at this stage she is a prime target for scammers. Is she still managing her own money. It is usually one of the first things they need help with. It’s really hard, but if you have the DPOA you need to step in and do what needs to be done to keep her safe. This has been a great site. You will get a lot of great feedback here. I have attempted a staging tool you might find helpful.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

SDianeL

So sorry about your Mom. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Don’t argue or try to convince her. It won’t work. Learn to fib to her. Make up a story to try to get her accept help. Does she go to church? Maybe someone at church could help? A friend? Someone she trusts. Look into the County Senior Center. They may have senior day care. They have activities. She should no longer be alone. She may not know what to do in an emergency and she could be a victim of scammers. Learn all you can about the disease. Come here often for info and support.

lisn2cats

One of the things I love about this Forum is the comfort of knowing that others are dealing with almost the exact same frustrations as I am. Replace 90 with 77 and going up and down the stairs to do laundry with mowing the lawn, you are describing my new normal.

And now my mom is having delusions? hallucinations? where she insists people (on Easter Sunday it was a hospital bill collector; on Monday, it was a Filipino lady who barged in her home and was ready to "work". There is a nugget of reality in these delusions; the hospital sent a bill and her last caregiver was Filipino. That service fired us after a particularly nasty outburst that lasted 4 days. She also yelled at her current caregiver and "fired her" because she insists she doesn't need one….She also will say she has no money, food, or home because I am keeping these things from her.

I am currently reading The 36 Hour Day. It isn't 100% comprehensive (but, then, what is?) as it doesn't address cultural or language barriers. But the suggested approaches and insights into the LO's mind are extremely helpful in helping me adjust my communication and approach with my mom.

It's so so so hard to not reason with her. I am programmed to reason, explain, and (I guess) argue. I dread hearing my cell ping a text message. Her messages can go from pleasant and sweet to negative and nasty in a snap. And she is relentless when she is in a downward spiral.

I feel for you. You're not alone at all. I am very grateful for those who have lived/are living through this and their willingness to share their stories, tricks, and resources.

pinkhockey75

I have no patience at all either with my dad when he has his aggressive 'episodes'. He bullies my mom, treats her like a servant (she's his caregiver) and I've had to stand up for her. This last visit he directed all his anger at my boyfriend… again. My mom, my bf and I fought back but apparently that's never what you're supposed to do. I guess I need to educate myself. My mom puts the blame on me, but all I want to do is look out for her safety (she's currently using a walker, and convinced he can take care of her while she recovers from surgery) and to take this seriously. I tried to talk to her about POA and she says "it'll happen in due time." I want to bring in a caregiver to help her with recovery, but my dad is fighting it. He said "I got this!" He can't even remember what he was supposed to do when he walks into a room Ugh. Plus he has a bad knee and can barely walk. I feel guilty that my visits with them are tinged with sadness and drama because I see them so infrequently.

I feel your pain!!!

JenG70

I’m an only child dealing with my 86th y/o father. He lives about 45 minutes from me. Although he has not been diagnosed with dementia, I know he hast to be in the early stages due to his memory loss. He also is paranoid and no matter what we do or say he thinks someone is coming in his house. He misplaces things all the time and thinks someone’s coming in either taking things or giving him things. He doesn’t recognize his clothes either. His doctor didn’t help me very much and we tried to get into seeing a neurologist, but my father was not having it. I can’t get him into an independent living community because he feels it’s too much money. I’m trying my best to be patient with him when he has these delusions. But it’s so difficult

JulietteBee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244096#Comment_244096

I love what you said! "In my opinion keeping her safe has to trump keeping her happy."

I have had to learn this with my darling mother. I had to move her into an IL facility 1 mile away from me. She was burning up her kitchen, triplicating paying bills, and having near misses while driving. She is now safe, though not happy. 💖💔💖

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/245475#Comment_245475

is your Dad living alone? If so he shouldn’t be. It’s not safe. Do you have POA? If not, you can get guardianship. Talk to an attorney. He is unable to realize he has a disease and unable to reason. It’s up to you to make decisions for his care and safety. Yes he will be angry. But he will be safe and well cared for. He should be in Memory Care not Assisted living if he has dementia. You could try fibbing to him to get him to a Neurologist. Get the referral and make the appointment. Don’t tell him until you get there. Tell him his insurance requires it but do t tell him it’s a Neurologist. Talk to the Neurologust before the appt and explain he doesn’t want to be there and to ge careful about the language he uses with your Dad. Fiblets are your friend.