How do I tell my mom we are where we are because of her illness?

lisn2cats

First, my mom refuses to come to terms with the fact that she is mentally declining and that we need to address the fact that she is not just forgetful, but that she has severe memory loss, had a small stroke, and is starting to experience delusions. Of course, she denies and becomes enraged when these things are brought up. I have a neurology appointment set up and, with the help of her friends, are working on a way to get her there without too much stress for everyone.

In the meantime, we have now gone through 4 home aides; she yelled at the last one and locked her out of the house. The service and our social worker are exceptionally kind and helpful, but we are on hold until she can be assessed and deemed either incompetent to manage her care or otherwise. Until then, we've decided that sending aides only to have them shoved out or my mother having outbursts of rage isn't helping anyone.

BUT now my mom texts me all day long (and it doesn't matter that she has friends who come nearly daily to take her out or socialize with her) that she is alone and no one cares about her and so on and on and on until I turn off my phone to go to bed. While with friends, they have told me she spends most of the time complaining and saying disparaging things about me (including abuse and stealing her money). When she manages to be extra sweet to me, it's usually because she is trying to manipulate me.

How do I tell her that I cannot 1) take any more time off of work to cater to her unending emotional needs; 2) she is the reason we don't have an aide coming in; 3) social services may end up stepping in to help manage her care because I can't do this anymore; and 4) I still love her very much and ensure she has the financial means and support - as a daughter but not as her punching bag.

Quilting brings calm

I’m sure you’ve tried telling her repeatedly. You can’t reason with a person with dementia. They either can’t follow the logic, won’t remember the discussion , or sometimes won’t believe there’s anything wrong with them.

The primary caregiver is often blamed for things because they are the gatekeeper. Your mom wants to do what she wants and she can’t. She doesn’t remember moving things, so therefore someone else must have.

All you can do is try to keep her safe. Which is your case probably requires a guardianship and declaration of incompetence. On the meantime, take advantage of any crisis. An ER visit or hospital stay- enlist the social worker. Repeatedly declare you can’t take her home because she’s not safe at home. She refuses aids, you work, etc.

ARIL

What a hard situation—and in so many ways, so recognizable to folks here. I am sorry it’s this way…

One quick note to expand on the previous post: we once got a very helpful social worker involved when a doctor ordered home health visits. The home health agency had a social worker who facilitated some meaningful improvements.

Unfortunately for most of us the steps forward are incremental. It’s really tough. Hang in there. You are doing good if thankless work.

SDianeL

to answer bluntly. You can’t. She won’t understand or remember. Her brain is broken. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Tell her the appointment is required by her insurance. Don’t tell her in advance. Just take her. Then promise her a treat after. Make sure the doctor is careful about the words they use. There are medications that will help with her agitation and delusions. Make sure the doctor knows she needs them. A Geriatric Psychiatrist is the best doctor to manage the medications. If you can’t create a fib to get her to accept caregivers maybe you should consider memory care. It’s not safe for her to be by herself.

H1235

Anosognosia is very common with dementia. It is the inability of the person with dementia to see their symptoms or limitations. It is beyond frustrating. QBC is right there is no way to reason with her. It will not work! While things would be so much easier if you could just get through to her it is futile and will only cause you and her stress. She is no longer able to participate in care decisions or understand the reasoning behind them. Avoid any mention of memory problems or other symptoms this will just cause problems. Make up a reason the caregiver is there that doesn’t involve her symptoms. The caregiver is a friend and needs care hour experience before certification, or whatever story she will believe (and I turn will put her at ease). Do things without telling her. So to answer your question how do you tell her? You don’t! As QBC suggested, if there is any reason at all for her to be in the emergency room, take advantage of it and demand a psych evaluation while she happens to be there. Refuse to take her home and explain why it is not safe for her. I hope you can find some solutions.