Transistioning to Memory Care/Assisted Living

KimWeil1969-

Hello - my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia/alzheimer's last spring - but she had been having memory issues for a couple years now. We finally got my dad on board with moving them into an assisted living center in December of last year - he was older and falling quite a bit himself and we felt he needed more care too we were told if my dad moved in with my mom we could put off putting her in memory care. My dad passed away the day after he said it would be okay to move them. So my brother did not want to move my mom right away because he felt she needed time to grieve at her home. We currently have two caregivers who come from 8-noon and noon to 4 everyday to stay with my mom Mon-Friday. My brother and sil are currently living with my mom till their house gets built and they plan on moving in a couple of weeks. My brother knows my mom needs memory care/assisted living, but I guess hard on him to do this. I have been working with Memory Care Solutions in MO with this and they said we just need to move her and not tell her ahead of time because she will fixate on moving. I brought up a couple weeks ago with her and said dad wanted them to move and she didn't get mad at me. But how do you all transition your loved one to a memory care/assisted living center? My mom is probably beginning of stage 6 on the scale. She scored an 11 out of 20 for the safety assestment at home.

Thanks

SusanB-dil

Hi KimWeil - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I see a lot of posts where they do just move a LO into their new place. It is rare that a LO will agree to the need to move, so you would need to make the decisions for them.

It is still hard, but she would be cared for 24/7, and you and brother would still be her advocates.

KimWeil1969-

Thank you and yes this is not a fun disease.

That is what me and the memory care people came up with too - just moving her in and not taking her there to look at in advance. So I just wanted to confirm that. I had the idea to maybe have her do something on the day we move her and then just move all her stuff while she is out and take her to new place, I can spend the night with her if needed. But yes I totally agree this is the safest option for her. I also wanted to see if anyone else had ideas on what they did.

Thanks for your reply!

ARIL

People on the forum will have different stories. I have moved my father three times: from home to AL, from AL to MC (different facility, different state), and from MC to another MC. It has been a heavy lift each time, but each move was a good decision.

For the first, he agreed (mercifully). We talked a lot about all the previous moves he had made in his life and how this was just another one. Friends of his came to help move furniture, and he went in the car with us. (Prob. about stage 4 at the time.) For later moves, I took him out for a meal and a drive while others moved furniture/belongings, and then I just drove him “back” to the new place. Staff were ready, and they took him for snacks and a walk/activity while we set up the room. (There were extra steps in the cross-state move, but I’ll skip that story; I don’t detect that you are planning that.)

In no case did we stay with him overnight, but in all cases we visited a lot (for quite a long time each visit) in the early days as he settled in. Other people will tell you to stay away for a while, but this is an individual thing. Being with us helped him feel at home. Eighteen months later—and now in stage 6—we still visit a lot.

My keeping calm and matter-of-fact helped my dad a lot. (I did not feel all that calm, but I talk a good game, LOL). I used terms like “your apartment that you’re renting,” and for the first move especially, I talked about how he could “just try it out for a little while to see how it goes.”

Update (extra comment): We were not able to involve my dad in choosing the facility in any of the moves, the first because there was only one option and it was an emergency (NOT the best way to do a move!), and the other times because there was no real point; he would not have remembered, and it would have distressed him. I did the searches and made the choices.

otfgirl750

I stayed with my Mom her first night in AL when she moved from her home to AL and again when we moved her to a 2nd AL in our city. It really helped her. I told her 1 night and then I had to go back to my family. This only worked because she was early stages and understood. Her last move AL to MC in same building, we just took her out for a few hours, they moved her stuff and we took her to her new room. She believes we move her every other day anyway, so the move itself was less of an issue. We have maintained our visit schedule and for us that is the right choice.

SDianeL

memory care facility told me to not tell him. To make up a fib. We told my DH that we were having lunch where my daughter’s friend worked. We sat down at the table and then each excused ourselves and slipped out. The nurse told him he had to stay there while I went in the hospital. They told me not to visit for 2 weeks. He settled in quickly. I dropped his things off later that evening and they put his things in his room. They let him call me every day. You want to make it as easy and less stressful on her as you can. It’s hard but remember why you’re doing it. You’re doing it for her, not to her. 💜

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244651#Comment_244651

Hello, I just wish my dad would have been able to move with her. And there is no way she will agree to this move - she probably won't remember talking to us about the next day or time. And the second time you moved your dad is probably what we will have to do - so good to know that other people do this too. I feel bad about doing this, but it is the best thing for her. Did your dad bring up moving back home when you told him to just try it out for awhile? Thanks for your response, I appreicate it.

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244654#Comment_244654

Hello - Thank you for responding and the helpful and assuring advice.

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244676#Comment_244676

Hello - I am glad your DH settled in quickly. Thanks so much for the advice and you are right we are doing it for her!

ARIL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244687#Comment_244687

No, my dad has (oddly) never expressed a desire to return to his house, although he still asks when he is going “home.” That word means different things at different times: sometimes it’s his MC room, sometimes it’s my house where he sometimes visits for a meal, sometimes it’s his childhood home. Once he said he wanted to move out of the MCF, and I said we could talk about that but he had just paid for the next month. That was good enough. He said we’d talk about it then, and I said sure. It was not mentioned again. In our case this hasn’t been too big of a problem. We have other issues. :)

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244691#Comment_244691

Well that is good for you then. The last time my mom came over to my house she was acting strangely - telling me I needed blinds on my living room and patio windows and doors and asking about a swing that had been there for years. So good to know you still bring your dad over for visits. And yes they do forget day to day on some things. Weird how they do remember some things though. Thanks!!

lisn2cats

Is there such a thing as part-time MC/AL? In a strangely calm and lucid conversation with my mom, I was wondering if there are MC/AL centers where she could leave during the day and go back to the center in the evening. During the day, she wants to be in home so she can have her friends over for lunch or tea, or they take her shopping, etc. It's when she begins to sundown and, of course, physical risks that she needs some sort of care or watchful eye. She adamantly does not want strangers in her house (hence going through 4 caregivers) and wants her independence.

ARIL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244770#Comment_244770

It’s an interesting question. Others will know more than I do about formal institutional structures, but I did have a great-uncle who was in a rural nursing home for a while, about 25 years ago. (No AL or MC was nearby.) His daughter drove him to his own house in the late morning and then took him to the facility in time for dinner; he was in the nursing home through the night. It didn’t last long—but it worked for them for a little while.

sandwichone123

The most typical part-time option is adult day care, in which the person lives in their home (not alone—by the time they need this type of service they should not be left alone), but goes to activities and meals during the day on weekdays. This service is very typically not available on the weekends.

While I recognize that the option you describe seems desirable, the condition your mom is in would not permit it to be successful. By the time she is having the behaviors you describe, she needs around-the-clock care and supervision, either by live-in family, hired help, or a residential placement. Expecting her to consent to placement and remember that she consented is unrealistic. She is operating primarily on emotions and her ability to reason is severely limited. As you've noticed, her ability to commit to a course of action is also not dependable.

Therefore, you need to decide on a course of action and carry it out. She will not be able to make the decisions or carry out the actions.

H1235

We told my mom about the move to Al. She is stage 4. She toured but was told this needs to happen. She was not happy about it but went along with it. She was told weeks in advance of the move ( not my idea). She packed and my brother took her to the store to get things she would need. Unfortunately he left it to her to decide what she needed. You would not believe the things she packed and bought. Some things we were able to leave behind, others I tried to sneak out of her room ( cupcake liners???), other things are just still there (new king size pillow shams). My moms memory is still not too bad, it’s planning and logical thinking that’s the problem. It could have gone better, but she is safe. There is just no way to know what is the best way for your loved one. You just do the best you can.

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/245066#Comment_245066

Thank you for your response. Did she complain since she knew in advance. If you would have had your choice - would you suggest not to tell them? How is your mom now - did she regress since moving in? You are right, you just never know when is the right time - but I think sooner than later would be the best and safest option. Thanks!

lisn2cats

GOOD NEWS! My mom is moving into an AL community tomorrow (Tuesday)!!!

Thanks to a broken thermostat, fiblets exaggerating the severity of the disrepair (thank you to this community for giving "permission" to use fiblets), and the obvious danger of staying in a house that is 90 degrees, my mom understands why she needs to get out and that the hotel (where she is now) is not viable long-term. The stars aligned between the broken thermostat, my mom being on meds that seem to be helping, the AL facility having a respite room available, and my mom liking the facility after seeing it in person.

The plan is to have her stay in the respite (temporary) room for 30 days and have them work with her and get her to move into a permanent room. If she resists, they will ensure there is a medical order in place. All I need to do is take her door key (the facility is a mile from her house and she thinks she can taxi there any time) and get the spares from her friends (they nearly botched this whole set up by taking her back over the weekend to get her a freakin' sweater).

Thank you to everyone in this forum for all the tips and advice. Still a rocky road ahead but a little comfort knowing she's going to be in a safe place and will be well taken care of by the staff.

H1235

Once we told her she was really grumpy. But then I guess she was grumpy before we told her. She didn’t speak to me for a few days. She adjusted fairly well after the move. I think she enjoys the company of the other residents. But at the same time she doesn’t think she belongs there. She sees the symptoms of other residents, but not her own. She did not regress. She is very upset that we won’t bring her back to her house. She had lived in her house 60 years. She is a hoarder so it’s been very hard for her to leave everything behind. Medication has helped some, but it took a long time to iron out the best medication and dose. My mil was fine with the move. She made the comment that she was so happy everything from her large 2 bedroom apartment was able to fit in AL (obviously it was not). She never talked about leaving and was always content. So much depends on the person with dementia. You make the call you think is best and then you hope it all works out.

jkravitz812

When we brought my dad to the MCF in January we decided not to tell him. My mom had passed away mid December from Cancer and she was his caregiver. The trauma caused him more confusion at the time and until recently he kept asking for her. It seems to be sticking now for the most part that she’s gone. The transition was difficult, it took at least 6 weeks for him to get acclimated. My brother, myself or other family members visit almost every day. Off and on he asks where am I or what is this place and I’ve been pretty honest and he seems to accept it. When we take him to dinner or our home sand he goes back after he does get confused again where he is but it’s become easier. Dementia is a horrible disease, we are lucky he still knows all of us and he can’t still have somewhat of a conversation. He is stage 5 but there’s plenty of people in later stages at his MCF. It’s heartbreaking seeing some of the residents there regularly. I think it was the right move though, my dad is safe and cared for.

KimWeil1969-

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/245307#Comment_245307

So did you just move his stuff without him knowing and just showed up and said here is your new home? Or what did you do? So sorry to hear about your mom. My mom kept saying she just wanted to die and be with my dad almost everytime I saw her and she hasn't mentioned that in the past month to me. I am glad to hear your dad is doing better though and you feel better that he is being cared for and is safe. Has he made friends there? This disease just sucks. My mom still knows us too thankfully.