Mother insists she can be alone

lost123

I searched for posts on this topic and I am sure there are some but I didn’t come across them. As I look back I think my mom has been showing signs of dementia for years. It wasn’t until Nov 2024 though until my dad and I really realize there was a problem - when she got lost in her own neighborhood. She doesn’t remember this incident of course. Since then, she’s not been left alone. She insists she can be left alone and when we tell her we just want her to be safe she goes on a tirade how she’s not going to do anything crazy etc etc - of course she cannot be reasoned with. She has no diagnosis but it’s clearly dementia. The PCP said she should not be left alone but she says he’s just saying that to cover himself. Does anyone have any advice what I can say to her to help her understand why we want someone to be with her. Only reason we have to say anything at all is because she has to spend some time with me in another state at my home and she wants to stay home (I stay at her home 75% of the time and she stays at mine 25%). But she says she can be left home and doesn’t want to come with me. Help!!

H1235

I’m sorry, but I doubt there is anything you can say to make her understand. A common symptom of dementia is anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize your own symptoms or limitations. Bringing up symptoms with a person with dementia usually doesn’t go well. I would suggest a different approach. Tell her how excited you are to have her come for a visit. Talk up the things you might do while she is there. Leave the fact that she can’t be left alone out of the conversation if at all possible. This arrangement sounds difficult. Maybe it’s time to consider a different arrangement. Do you have DPOA? As much as we want our loved ones happy, at some point safety requires decisions to be made they will not like. She is never going to say the doctor is right I think it’s best I move to assisted living, this is just too much for you.

lisn2cats

Your story is such a familiar one. I have been in, what feels like, an unending battle with my mom about her care. She, too, insisted that she does not need help, she's independent, etc. but locked herself out a few times, forgot how to use the lock/key, left the stove on, got confused about something or other, played with the thermostat til it broke (this turned out to be good), etc.

There have been many in this forum who kept pushing for AL or MC. At the time, this was not a viable solution for a few reasons. However, with the thermostat breaking and the home unsafe and moving her to a hotel, she has no choice but to move into AL "temporarily" while I get the HVAC system fixed (she thinks it will take a month). While in AL, they will make sure she has a medical order or something in place to transition herself there permanently. Because she thinks it's temporary (and she had a positive tour), she is eager to move in (go figure!).

I hope you get your situation resolved. Your health and well-being are important too!

SDianeL

welcome. When I first came to this forum, someone posted “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” That one sentence helped me so much. Your Mom can no longer make decisions on her own. She lacks the ability to understand she has dementia and won’t remember anything you tell her. I would make up a fib to get her there. And a fib to keep her there. Common fibs: the house needs work, no electricity (turn off the breakers) no AC, etc. you will need to repeat the fib multiple times a day. Are you considering having her move in with you? Or a MC facility? Who is her primary caregiver?

CaliforniaGirl-1

Sometimes they don't recognize the disease and sometimes they know things aren't right and they are terrified to admit it.

This struggle with parents is almost universal, trying to get them to accept help, trying to get them out of the house, trying to get them to stop driving, trying to get them to let you manage the finances or accompany them to the doctor. For many of us this struggle lasted years until there was some precipitating event that let us get them into a safer situation.

Unfortunately it is very hard, particularly in these early stages, to stop trying to convince them to cooperate and remember and make them understand, it is no longer in their capability.