Taking care of my Mom

Juderae

My Mom has Dementia, still living home with my dad, and I go to their home every day to help them. She accuses my dad that he is having sex with a 13 year old girl along with me and my 2 other sisters. Some days she is good then other days really off the wall. I get very upset because I protect my dad. I know I shouldn’t yell at her but it builds up and I lose it. It usually happens when I am really tired which is all the time. I am extremely depressed and cry quite a bit as I feel so sad for her. She is starting to Sundown which is a new thing we are dealing with. My dad eggs her on and I think he has maybe a resentment or something because she gets vicious. I am new to this group so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

JulietteBee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73288/taking-care-of-my-mom

Hugs are being sent to you. I am relatively new to the group as well, but have found it a great source of comfort and I get gentle reminders to give myself some grace.

This is a horrible disease. Strange as it sounds, it is the only disease I know of that is harder on the family than on the patient themselves.

I also find myself getting oh so mad at my dear mother. I have to remind myself daily that her words/behaviors are no longer coming from a mature, functional, brain. Alz is a brain disease that causes regression.

My 83 year old mom acts more like an 8-12 year old. Do yourself a favor and watch Dr. Tam Cummings on the 7-stages of Alzheimers. After doing so, give yourself some grace and remind yourself that at this moment, you are doing the best you can do with the knowledge that you have. 🫂

https://youtu.be/tansVVDM0fE?si=uA8F09eMLTv8Qh5Q

Juderae

Thank You for your advice. My dad and I will watch this video for sure.

I will share the info with my 2 sisters as well. My mom is starting the sundow now and I’m so depressed. We had Fathers Day at their house and everyone was so Solumn like being at a funeral.

JulietteBee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/245939#Comment_245939

You are welcome!

Though I am an R.N, I personally found the video very insightful. I shared it with my husband & adult offspring to have them identify what stage they believe my mom is in. Hubby believes she is in the middle of stage 4. Our child & I think she is very late stage 4, more likely early stage 5.

Interestingly, I sent it to my dear mom who is also a retired R.N. She saw herself as being in stage 6. I believe she may be having issues that are not readily visible to an outsider, like bladder/bowel issues. To afford her privacy & maintain her integrity, I have not asked if my supposition is correct.

I'd love to know what you and your dad think after watching it.🌹

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry about your Mom. One thing someone posted here was the saying “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and that became my mantra. I repeated it through the day until it was imbedded in my brain. Your Mom is having delusions. She can’t help it. Ask her doctor for medication to help her with anxiety and agitation which is also common. Don’t argue with her. It will only increase her anxiety. Redirect or distract her. Another good resource that helped me was the book “The 36 Hour day” you can buy it in Amazon. Have everyone in your family read it. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you are going through.

weareallunique

As SDianeL suggested: Ask her doctor for medication to help her with anxiety and agitation which is also common.

And if your Dad hasn't seen an elder law attorney yet he should to find out about finances re: Medicaid if your Mom does need placement at some point and if they have the right legal paperwork - DPOA ,AHCD ,wills, trust if recommended etc. Even if your folks signed documents appointing each other in the past she can no longer be his fallback , plus laws change.

No one wants legal bills but things tend to happen fast and if one doesn't have the right documents to get medical care, fund a care home, sell assets etc in hand at that time it becomes a real mess.

For you, taking on dementia care giving while trying to live your life is a huge ask, you and your sisters need to live your lives also. At some point it will be 24/7 and that maybe too much in their home with the stress your Dad exhibits now.

The Alz Assoc has no charge social workers that have been really helpful for folks .

"Get Help and Support, Day or Night

The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

You and your family can call and get advise or an understanding ear .

Take care.