Education for Healthy Parent

sb5000

Has anyone dealt with the healthy parent not understanding this disease ? My dad is primary caregiver for my mom. He can’t understand how to engage with her. My siblings and I have all tried to give tips, his friend who’s been through it gives him advice on deescalation but he doesn’t get it. He corrects her on facts that don’t matter, he asks her questions she can’t answer, and then she’s embarrassed and gets an attitude and they’re fighting. He also won’t use little white lies. For example she irrationally hates one of the neighbors so we said just tell her you’re going to visit someone else. But he tells her and then she’s on a rant for 2 hours

She stayed with my husband and I while he was recently hospitalized and was pretty easy going. Within 20 minutes of him being home they were arguing and we had to intervene multiple times.

They are supposed to move in with us in a few months and I’m dreading it. We tried zoom support groups but he didn’t like it. The in person groups are further away so he would need a ride. I’ll plan to take him but then he’ll have a medical situation or I can’t leave work and it just doesn’t happen.

Has anyone else had any success with helping an elderly parent understand how this disease works?

JulietteBee

For starters, he may be a visual learner rather than an auditory one. I would recommend you share Dr. Tam Cummings video with him. It is short.

https://youtu.be/tansVVDM0fE?si=trDPF9-8o_-YMLmH

H1235

I can imagine he is probably set in his ways. It must be very hard to change the way you respond to your partner of many years. I agree there is a lot of great information on YouTube. I have attached the 10 absolutes of dementia care. It’s short and direct. I have also attached a link to an article titled understanding the dementia experience. This is long, but very informative. There are more resources in groups under new caregivers. Maybe once they are living with you, you can intervene before things get too bad. Maybe he will learn with direct instruction all the time. Doesn’t sound fun for you. I hope you can find something that works.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience#hlangandcommun

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73361/education-for-healthy-parent

I had exactly this situation with my mom. I don't know if her refusal to follow best practices was based on denial, a misguided notion that she could redirect his delusional beliefs by attempting to ground him in reality, anger at him for having dementia and ruining her blissful retirement, payback-time for a spouse who she should have divorced years earlier or some combination of those things.

I tried the usual tactics— presenting her with short handouts about dementia, showing her care videos, sending her books, helping her create fiblets, modeling validation/redirection in my interactions with dad, getting her a psychiatrist and talk therapist and even making sure they were both medicated to dial back depression/anxiety. And yet, I was still being called to their home to calm them both down.

One of the reasons none of my tactics worked was that mom didn't value information or strategies that came from me as I had no credibility in her eyes. What helped was an IRL support group where people roughly her age, to whom she could relate, repeated my suggestions word-for-word and she embraced it.

There are men of a certain generation who do not easily accept the advice of their children. This is especially true if that child is a woman. You— and your DH— may need to be more assertive in a "my way or the highway" manner ahead of moving day and establish some house rules. Dementia is not called The Long Goodbye for nothing; their behavior could dominate your home and marriage for years. Protect it.

IME, people who want to read or watch videos about dementia care tend to source their own material online or at the library. If dad's not that type, he might disregard anything you send. Mom was disinclined to read the 2 books I sent, but she did get a lot out of this:

Understanding the Dementia Experience

You didn't ask, but one caveat I would offer is to be careful that you establish very clear expectations of your role going forward. Miscommunication between parents needing help and children offering it happen more often than not. Be clear what you're offering and what you expect dad to do as the primary caregiver. Sad to say, son adult children offer their home and support only to have the caregiving parent expect the adult daughter to take over entirely. This is much more often a father-daughter dynamic in which you'd be expected to run your own household and provide 100% of mom's hands on care and entertainment— often in the manner dad would do it himself.

Good luck-HB