The Cavalry didn't come......

Palmetto Peg

Last week, my DH had a mini-stroke. He has been declining quite rapidly, and the stroke made his decline even more significant. I have been struggling with all of the emotions surrounding a loved one who is dying such a sad, prolonged death. I broke down completely, and cried out for help from my DH's brother, and his daughter. The excuses were so pathetic - like "I would come except I am signed up to play golf in my regular groups and it's been raining a lot lately, so I have to play", and his daughter "hasn't been feeling well this week, otherwise she would help". The people closest to him have no time for him or for me! Bill was right - we are on our own and the Cavalry isn't coming! I haven't played golf in two years, and I don't get sick days! I'm trying not to be bitter, but it is very hard! How do you deal with your angry feelings about the ones who don't seem to care - who should? As always, thanks for listening!

charley0419

your right in how you feel, I can see the same coming in the future no one understands unless they live this nitmare

tonyac2

I stopped expecting anything from them. That allowed me to love them again without being bitter. Also helped me to remember they are living their own lives with their own problems and their worlds aren’t going to stop just because I have a hellacious situation going on under my roof. Like Bill also said, this requires a brain reset. I’m still striving for that.

Quilting brings calm

It’s really hard. My step-dad has been gone for 16 months and my mom for 7 months. I’ve yet to forgive my step-siblings and siblings for their refusal to help. I don’t care if I ever have contact with any of them again. My step-siblings lived within 10 miles of the AL but wouldn’t help even when I had significant health issues that meant I was out of commission for weeks. My siblings lived out of state and didn’t visit my mom once in 5 years I understand the reasons of all five people combined … but I looked past those reasons in myself and stepped up.
All you can do is accept that you are doing the best you can and that you will be able to live within yourself afterwards. Will they? Only time will tell that.

Palmetto Peg

Thank you for your replies. I forgot about Bill's brain reset - I need to work on that. I don't think I will ever forgive them for this. Especially his daughter (my step-daughter) who has criticized every single thing I have done for her father. I doubt I will ever see her again after he passes. I know we are supposed to forgive, but I also think it's okay to not forgive her because of what she has done to her dad. He would have walked through fire for her, and she can't give him a few hours of her time? Nope - not feeling the forgiveness! We've been married 28 years today, and neither she nor her brother have ever accepted me, and they have never appreciated what their dad did for them. His brother isn't any better, but I really hoped he would come through for his brother. Oh well - off to try the brain reset! ((Hugs to all of you - you are the real Cavalry!))

Bunny whisperer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73401/the-cavalry-didnt-come

I know how it is when family doesnt help, and you have a right to feel angry. Prehaps your DH's family is in denial of his condition and feels like he will be around a long time. I know it took our family a while to realize with my DH that this disease is terminal, because they were in denial. Praying that someday you can forgive them, hang in there youre doing a great job.

H1235

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to convince my brother that I need help with mom. I was constantly stressed and angry with him. The day I finally accepted that he was never going to help and was probably even going to make things more difficult ( second guessing me, blaming me) was a freeing somehow. Expecting help that is never going to come is exhausting. My time was better spent doing what needs to be done than to argue about how I need help. This kind of thing really shows who a person really is. My brother and I have never been close, but once mom has passed I have no interest in any kind of a relationship. I hate it, but I have resorted to a mild anti depressant. Prolonged stress like this can cause health issues and you need to take care of yourself.

BPS

I have a brother that didn't help when our dad was dying of cancer, then complained about how I handled it. I have kids that asked what they could do to help with their mom and then did nothing. It seams to be very common and I held a grudge for a long time. I have managed to mostly (not completely) let go of the grudge but I have learned that they are not the people I thought they were and will never feel the same way that I did before. I still occasionally have contact with them but we are not close and never will be. I used to think they will regret it someday, but now I don't think so, they are doing what they want or think is right so if in their mind they are right why would they regret it even if it seams very selfish to me. I have one son that visits his mom every week and calls me almost everyday to see how I am doing. I know your not supposed to have favorite kids, but now I do.

Jazzma

I am fortunate to have very supportive family and friends. However, my brother — who is the person I am closest to — simply could not stand to see DH after the dementia really set in. The night before DH passed, I called my brother and told him that while I understand his reluctance, I NEED HIM NOW. He came immediately.

I don't know how to communicate to the people who really should be there the urgency of helping you. I wish I did. Sending you hugs.

Whyzit2

unforgiveness doesn’t hurt the perpetrators—it only hurts us. They are not capable of fulfilling our desires, fantasies or expectations. We are fools to believe that those who have never been there for us will magically be transformed into someone who is caring, helpful and compassionate. It doesn’t matter what they think. Free yourself of thoughts about them. You are good at diverting your LO attention…do the same for yourself. It just takes a little practice. Someday you will be able to say Oh my, I remembered to forget about that (or them). Our mind and emotions are too valuable to waste. (((Hugs)))

GothicGremlin

This is so hard, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, Peg. It's so disappointing when the people who should step up, don't.

I was in a similar place. Some of my family had other obligations (like caring for their own ailing parents). I totally understood why they couldn't help out. But my brother had no such excuse. He just wasn't there. He helped me exactly once in 5 1/2 years. He was so absent that when he visited my sister after she'd been in MC for almost two years, the staff told me they didn't even know we had a brother!

After my sister passed away, I did a lot of soul searching (plus, I had a therapist). I forgave my brother, and I'm not just saying that, I really did forgive him, but he's out of my life. He showed me very clearly who he is, and I don't want that kind of person in my life. I wish him no ill.

Once I realized I was pretty much alone with my sister's care, I looked to my sister's close friends, who genuinely seemed to want to help. I let them. They were amazing through everything and I'm happy to say that more than a year after my sister's death, we're still close. I'm incredibly grateful that they stepped up. Do you have anyone like that in your life who may be waiting in the wings? Sometimes people don't want to overstep, and might be waiting to be asked.

Palmetto Peg

Gothic Gremlin - thank you so much for your response. Most of our good friends are still in South Carolina. We moved back here (New Jersey) to be closer to family when it was clear that DH's dementia was getting worse. He has had visits from friends from far away, and of course I appreciate them, but on a daily basis I really thought his family would step up. Like you, I won't forget what his daughter and his brother haven't done for him. I'm not sure if I can get to the forgiveness part, and I don't think it is going to be a problem for me if I never see them again after DH passes. I also have a therapist, and I will work with her to find a path through this that will help me not be so bitter. I am going to strive to not be the person who is too busy when a friend needs me in the future, and that will be my lesson from this experience. I hope you are finding peace in your life after your sister's passing.

dayn2nite2

I think sometimes it's OKAY to be bitter.

I stopped providing any sort of updates or contact initiated by me, took my time if I did happen to receive a call or email asking how my mom was. Often I didn't respond at all. I did make a perfunctory email when she died and did not respond to any replies. I did right by my mother and those people have to live with themselves. Often they are perfectly fine with their decisions.

Scooterr

The sad part about going through this battle with dementia that I have learned. The people you thought would be there for you, aren't. They want one of two things "get better or die" I hate to say it like that but that's the way it is. Stay strong

harshedbuzz

Alas, for all my better intentions, I have a vindictive streak. When dad died after the massive ghosting mom endured, I was inclined to post dad's obit after he'd been buried. I was especially annoyed by his brother who did a 45-minute drive-by visit every 6-8 weeks despite me selecting a MCF 1.3 miles from his house. I called the brother hours before dad passed and suggested he plan to see dad very soon. He didn't and I heard him relating his regret to another ghoster at the funeral luncheon.

When mom passes, I will have my way. Funeral by invitation with an engraved death announcement/published obituary after the fact to those who deserted her.

HB

Joyful Heart

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/246924#Comment_246924

It's HUMAN to be bitter when let down by those who you love and claim to love you just when you need them the most. That said, I'm a negative nelly trying to correct my own thoughts and behaviors. To be bitter means you carry that negative emotion yourself. They don't. So all of the pain is on you. I know that's not your intent with your bitterness. It's never been my intent either. But, for my own sanity today, I need to learn to let go and to forgive.

That doesn't mean I need to seek out the company of people who showed their true colors. It just means I don't need to carry that pain with me deep in my soul.

My DH has what I would say is probably mid to late stage 5 symptoms. He needs help with using the phone, watching TV, reminders for medications, daily chores… His daughter has not talked to him in 8 years and is "protecting herself" for some strange reason (that was her excuse) and his son has seen him twice in the same time. No one is coming to help. The rest of his family? Parents are old and on their way out themselves. His sister is worse than he is. I have my own health issues that keep me chained to our home so if an emergency comes up, we're in trouble. We have VERY few friends left and a few we can pay to help out with our limited funds. And I would say I've been angry, bitter, scared, hurt, hopeless… And the people who have taken the heat for those feelings have been those closest to me still. My own behavior sucks.

I need to relearn being grateful for what we do have and focus on what I can actually fix or at least deal with on my own instead of worrying about trying to find help that doesn't exist. And I need to cherish the few people left standing in my life who actually care - there are four of them. That's more than some and more than I had two months ago.

God help us all.

SDianeL

it’s a shame that family can’t or won’t step up. I read a book once about rational thinking. It gave an example of a man married to an alcoholic who complained to the therapist. The therapist asked him “what do you expect an alcoholic to act like?” And told the man you can’t change her. Only she can do that. You have 2 choices, put up with it or separate yourself from her. I have found this very helpful in many relationships. I believe you can forgive people without forgetting what they have done. They have to live with their choices. Sending hugs. Praying for your strength. 🙏💜

Whyzit2

WWJD (what would Jesus do)? Forgive and then shake the sand off your feet and move on. No therapist needed.

CampCarol

DH had one sister & BIL that he really wanted to see. I begged them multiple times, across many years, to come visit. I said I would pay for everything - flight and hotel if they didn’t want to stay with me. It was his dying wish. They didn’t. Didn’t come to his funeral either. In fact, I haven’t heard a peep out of them since the morning I called to tell them he passed. My husband used to say he could forgive, but he would never forget when people did wrong by him. I hope someday I will be able to emulate that behavior.
@PalmettoPeg, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. People are idiots much of the time… I don’t have words of advice, but I am sending thoughts and prayers in the hopes that you’ll remain strong and sane through this. We’re here for you!