Have any questions about how to use the community? Check out the Help Discussion.

Trapped

Options
JC5
JC5 Member Posts: 196
100 Comments 100 Care Reactions Second Anniversary 25 Likes
Member

Well we are at that stage where I’m feeling really trapped! DH has been obsessing about his car on a daily basis.(previous post about that) . I just nod and walk away as he follows me yelling he wants his car. He just finished with home PT and an aide 3 days a week for 3 weeks. He of course was so nice to them. Did whatever they asked, never complained. He even walked several blocks with the aide twice a day ! As soon as they left he wanted his car, his legs were killing him, he was in pain. Yet no mention to PT or aide about issues. Only me!

I get it, but now everytime I go out he calls our children - several times while I’m out -saying mom took my car, she doesn’t want me to drive. I want my car. I feel I can’t go out anymore, not because he can’t be home for short periods, I know that day of not staying home alone is coming- it’s b/c he harasses the children! Looking into adult daycare, closest one about 15 miles away and $100 a day plus $80 if you want transportation. Talking to an agency about an aide $42/hr. Not less than 6 hrs. a day- so $250 a day for someone to keep him company. Anyone have a money tree I can plant in my yard? Thanks for listening.

Comments

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 247
    100 Likes 100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Care Reactions
    Member

    ((HUGS))

  • cavenson
    cavenson Member Posts: 49
    Second Anniversary 25 Likes 10 Comments 5 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Unfortunately, there’s no perfect solution. When a PWD loses driving privileges, it’s a major loss for them, and very few will understand why they should no longer be driving. Did DH’s doctor speak with him about giving up driving? When DH calls the children, will they all be on the same page and gently reinforce that DH should no longer be driving? Also, now is when he needs some extra attention from the children and you taking him off for outings. My DH was finally forced to give up driving a month ago. His children said they would give him more attention and take him off more; but so far that’s been a bit disappointing. One thing that has helped is getting him a mobility scooter to use around our 55+ neighborhood. He has some mobility problems, and this lets him get out and visit neighbors.

    Take a deep breath and know that you’ve done the right thing by preventing DH from driving. We have to live in the moment. I try to remind myself of the following Bible verse: Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 34

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 2,842
    2500 Comments 500 Insightfuls Reactions 500 Care Reactions 500 Likes
    Member

    Sounds like adult day care with you transporting him is the most cost efficient. You can run errands, read a book, go home and come back for him. Unless you live in a really busy location, 15 miles each way should still leave you time to relax
    I also suggest you text your kids when you leave him at the house so that they can know the phone calls may start up. That way they can choose to answer or let it go to voicemail. Another text again when you get back.

  • RetiredTeacher
    RetiredTeacher Member Posts: 136
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Likes 100 Care Reactions
    Member
  • RetiredTeacher
    RetiredTeacher Member Posts: 136
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Likes 100 Care Reactions
    Member

    Similar situation here with DH calling and texting me whenever I leave the house. He does not drive anymore due to several strokes and thankfully doesn't try. He can still do his ADLs and is still able to be safe when left alone. He is extremely emotionally needy and can't understand why I want or need time without him. I try to get out once a week for 3 hrs but it's always a struggle....he pouts and makes life miserable but I know I NEED TO GET OUT BY MYSELF EVERY WEEK OR I WILL BLOW UP AND SELF DESTRUCT.

    He really needs more socialization than I can provide but he refuses to consider a day program, hobbies, games, activities...just sits and watches TV unless I plan an outing or activity for us. So we continue on, me planning joint outings and errands 3x a week, him watching TV and me looking forward to and planning my next time away. Provide supervision for him if he is at that stage and be sure to SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. Prayers and Hugs

  • KathyF1
    KathyF1 Member Posts: 153
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Likes 25 Care Reactions
    Member

    Is he on any meds? My husband is now in stage 6. But 2 years ago I was where you are. Not the same issues but he just extremely irritating from morning to night, following me literally everywhere, talked incessantly. And yes argumentative. Now he is on Seroquel and Klonopin. And Ativan as needed. Different challenges like incontinence but I’d take this stage any day over the way it was 1-2 years ago. I look back and think, why didn’t they prescribe meds back then? The answer was I was going to a doc that wasn’t really on it, I switched doctors and immediately they prescribed the right meds. It will help I promise!!

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 1,021
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Care Reactions 250 Likes 500 Comments
    Member

    Hi, JC5, My DH is in MC but when he was still at home I got help from our local Area Agency on Aging. It may be called by a different name in your area. They did an assessment and provided me with 32 hours a month of respite time when an aide would come to the house and stay with DH. They also provided a shower aide who came twice a week to help him shower. It really helped me. I could leave the house and get away for a while. There was no charge for these services.

    Brenda

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more