“Borrowing” memories that aren’t their own?

MissOldMom

My mom lives with us and has for a little over a year (moved from one part of a very large state to a very very much different part of the state, very far in distance even if driving in one day). She has twice brought up “I remember when…” memories of events she wasn’t here for but that we had gone to and described or shown her videos of from years ago. Today it was about flooding from 2017 we went through in our part of the state and she was talking about how “I remember when we went to one of your friends’ apartments and rescued their cats”…except she definitely wasn’t there. I said…well…that was actually in 2017, our friends did not have cats but we did help rescue a stranger’s cats for her from the third floor.” She got mad and said I WAS THERE TOO! I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR WATCHING THE WHOLE THING!” Now…I know, I know…meet them in their reality. I didn’t. I calmly said Mom…I have zero reason to lie to you when I say you were not here. You weren’t living with us yet. She said I was visiting! No, she was not. First of all, no one would have been able to get to us at that time and also because she wasn’t traveling to anywhere far herself anymore in any capacity.

I said Mom…we showed you a lot of pictures back then and there WAS video of the cat rescue but you were not with us here. And then I brought up her “memory” of her attending our older son’s wedding several years ago. She wasn’t there. But we had shown her video back then and of course described it. Here we are years later and she talked about it like she was there physically. She wasn’t even there through a live stream.

We haven’t talked about any of these events recently, by the way, even as our own events.

Has anyone else had a parent or loved one with dementia think they were with you somewhere when they were not at all? Just curious what the brain is doing. I know that it’s pretty common to hear about loved ones with Alzheimer’s “remembering” things of their own experience and mixing them with other events and thinking it’s one and the same, but to not even have been a part of an event and have her talk like she has a literally vivid memory of it is very…I don’t know the word for it actually. Anyone else? Is this a new part of a stage? She’s definitely in stage 5 based on all of the checklists and signs of the stages I’ve studied.

<edited for some misspellings and the stage she’s in>

Jen_Moss

I completely understand the 'borrowing" memories issue. This happens a lot with my mom that has middle stage ALZ. I find no matter how I approach it with her, she does not accept the truth and gets upset with any facts that go against her memories. So, for me, the best thing I have discovered is to ever so slightly, change the subject. If we are driving somewhere, I will let her talk for awhile staying quiet. Then, instead of engaging the conversation with the borrowed memories, I will change it to something in the present. Like, look at the cute dog or child, or beautiful tree. This works a good portion of the time to get her off the borrowed memory topic, but not always. If it keeps going, I just let her talk and say "hmm" or "uh huh" every now and then without actually agreeing or disputing what she is saying. Eventually, she will get distracted by something else she sees or hears and we're off the taboo topic.

It's challenging to manage this, especially because it's different every day, so I can really empathize. Hang in there the best you can!

MissOldMom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247407#Comment_247407

thank you! I told myself “stop trying to explain it to her, she doesn’t understand and won’t” but today was just one of those days I didn’t listen to my logical voice about it. I agree wholeheartedly to redirect or let then talk and just wait a minute until the moment passes and then talk about something else. Thank you for your insight!

towhee

Technical term is "confabulation". If you use that as a search term you will get more info.

harshedbuzz

It's a conflated memory aka confabulation. This happens when a PWD recalls the gist of an event but is missing the details of the who, what, when, where and how and proceeds to backfill with a close approximation that someone there would immediately know is incorrect.

My father did this constantly; it's a diagnostic feature of one of his diagnoses— an alcohol-related dementia called WKS. It does happen in other dementias as well.

My dad had some very ugly confabulations that were hurtful and felt like rewriting family history; he told me then middle-school aged son that I got drunk one night and left the kids in a bar and he had to come get them. That happened twice- once with my sister and once with his. One feature was that he was often the hero in these conflated tales. He conflated all kinds of crazy stuff happening to him, murder and kidnapping he saw on NCIS, mom's TKR and the flood that destroyed my house (I took the cat with me).

Unless the story had the potential to land someone in the papers or jail, we let it pass without correction validating his feelings if he seemed upset ("Oh, how terrible for you", etc.) He went through a phase where he was basically admitting to a crime during which time we isolated him at home for his own safety.

One thing I noticed was that these tales often had a trigger often in the news. Given the heartbreaking situation in Texas at the moment, I wonder if that news resurrected the flood story for her. To that end, I put parental controls on dad's TV as much of what he mis-recalled upset him.

HB

SDianeL

the best thing to do with confabulation is just nod and say something like “I’m surprised you remembered that” and change the subject. You will never convince her she wasn’t there. No need to try. To her it’s fact. Sounds like you know that based on your post. Things like that catch us off guard and we react. We’re human. 💜

ARIL

My LO began doing this only recently, and it us hard. He is “remembering” horrible experiences of World War II that his uncle experienced and then was traumatized by for the rest of his life. My LO was a caregiver for his uncle in his last years, and at that time he heard these things over and over. Now thirty years later, the stories (which he tells accurately) are coming back as “his” memories. It makes me sad—both because these horrors happened and because my LO is severely distressed, even frightened.

I try to avoid correcting, but I do try to reassure, redirect, or otherwise to get us to a topic not about death and inhumanity. I sometimes talk about his uncle and aunt and about good or funny stories I remember about them. It is not always easy to redirect.

These war stories are burned into my brain too, vivid and horrific. I sometimes wonder if later in my life I will report these events as my own trauma.

lwmarshburn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247420#Comment_247420

I totally get this. Logically, I know what I'm supposed to do/not supposed to do, but in the moment, I sometimes have an emotional reaction and do the opposite. I feel awful about it later, because I know I've hurt her feelings or upset her over something she simply can't control. But I'm human, and I am tired, and I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I fail, and that has to be okay. Living with me, even when I am imperfect, is better than the alternatives.

I find giving myself grace is important. Like having a serious conversation with myself about what I am doing and what things would look like if I didn't do what I do for her, that no one is perfect, and I would forgive someone caring for me in the same circumstances, etc.

I'm with you.