How to reduce phone calls and text messages

lwmarshburn

My mom moved in with us 3 months ago. She has always had problems with confidence and has needed reassurance even before ALZ. Now that she is living here with MCI, it is so much worse.

I work from home as a mental health registered nurse and frequently am in virtual meetings on camera where I need to participate. I also take crisis calls from people who are a danger to themselves and/or others. I cannot be constantly distracted for the safety of my patients and the quality of my work.

A few text messages through the day is not problematic, but she texts me things like, "I am going to shut the dining room door," "I am going to get a bottle of water," "I am going to go to the bathroom," and "Do you know if anyone is in the bathroom?" when my husband and I are the only people in the house ever. She also sends multiple thumbs up emojis to any reply I send her, which makes repeated notification sounds, is disruptive to my work, and is completely unnecessary.

Because there is no way to know which messages are important, I cannot ignore any of them. I am afraid if I try to talk to her about reducing them, she will completely stop sending messages, even when she really needs my help.

I use my personal phone for work, so I cannot turn the sound off and would not anyway since I need to know if she is in distress or has legitimate time sensitive questions.

I do not want to get rid of her smart phone because she uses it to socialize online, and it gives her a sense of safety and control.

Also the issue of very frequent calls and texts is simply annoying to me. I have never liked lots of phone calls and text messages and noises coming from my phone. I have a sound sensitivity and keep my home and office low stimulation. I need to have these frequent interruptions and notification sounds reduced for my own peace at work and at home.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I might be able to address this in a way that does not cause her to stop reaching out by phone/text when she really does need something? Just cutting down on the volume would help a lot.

ARIL

Modifying her behavior will be very difficult. I’d start with changing your phone. In the “Notifications” area of the Settings (if an iphone, but Androids will have something similar), you can change how you are notified of a text message. You can turn off the sound entirely. If you want to know when messages come in (and you seem to), you can turn on “banner” and “badge,” so there are visual cues only.

harshedbuzz

@lwmarshburn

Maybe mom needs to be occupied by a day program so you can meet your work obligations while someone else reassures and distracts her.

If that's not doable, then a cheaper smart phone "burner" for you. Just reprogram your number in her phone. You can set it to silent and answer when you can.

weareallunique

"I do not want to get rid of her smart phone because she uses it to socialize online, and it gives her a sense of safety and control." but……. is she safe from scammers - and it doesn't sound like she can safely BE in control of her assets or behavior.

As HB suggested a burner number for her to reach you so that you will have control of her access to you without causing work problems should do the trick for YOU but you also need to be sure she can't get in trouble with the rest of the world.

If a scammer asked her to get a SSN , credit card or bank acct info for them - would she comply …she may give out yours if she can access your papers ….. and scammers are great at being the new "keep me secret" best buddy .

It must be difficult to try to help her as you do your professional clients but as you know we really can't solve dementia issues since the PWD can't remember , understand etc .

Keeping them calm to avoid behavioral issues, safe from wandering , household mishaps and managing their assets to avoid losses is usually the best we can hope for.

sandwichone123

I would set the alert for her texts to "silent," and then check throughout the day as you can. I recognize that you're working from home so you can be available, but you also need to have some focus at your own work. Alternatively, and to me this is a distant second choice, you could change her ringtone to a very calm sound so it isn't so intrusive to others but you are still aware there is a text from her for when you can get to it.

JulietteBee

Could you clarify, is it the notification, or the quantity, or both?

If it is the notification, you can go to your address book and select her name. From there, you can change the sound that is made when getting notifications from her phone. You may change it to a whistle, a beep, a chime, something less intrusive than a ring tone. That way you will still be notified but it would not be as intrusive or as noticeable to your patients.

If it is the quantity, my Samsung S24 has a "Text Assist" feature under call settings. Once you see that she is calling, rather than let it ring, quickly click on"Text Assist." An automated voice will let her know that she should say why she is calling. It will transcribe her voice message which you will receive as a text. You can then respond to hers via a text.

I hope this helps.🌹

lwmarshburn

These are excellent suggestions, and I am grateful for your more experienced input. One problem was she was sending messages and calling through multiple apps, so it was both the quantity and the sounds. I was not able to change notifications in the one app so I blocked her connection to me there this week after seeing these ideas. Now with only one app with customizable notifications, we are doing much better. We have also been able to modify our interactions on some message exchanges, limiting the need for back and forth.

So far, she has not had problems with giving out info on the phone but I will keep an eye. I know that is very likely to become an issue. This has been an issue with my FIL who has a severe TBI and only a home phone, but still they get through.

We are in the process of signing up for a day program, and I am really looking forward to that!

I think my biggest problem is guilt/worry, as in "What if I don't read the message and something is really wrong?" (Plus OMG, this is so disruptive lol).

She will do the day program 3 days a week to start so that should help with the amount of worry.

Thank you all again for your very helpful feedback.