Ready to place hubby in memory care
after 4 years I’m ready to put hubby in memory care I have been in touch with the place for 3 years so familiar with director. talking to hubby about it but he doesn’t want to go. I’m facing what I never wanted to do and that is leave him there. Has anyone gone through this. My hubby is 82 and memory is terrible. Won’t shower shave. The repeating is out of control. He has never wandered and it’s a worry so before that comes I feel he needs more care than I can give. Thoughts
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I'd stop talking about it and just do it. When I took my husband for a 5 day (hospice) respite stay I didn't say a word until it was time to get in the car
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My wife has been in MC for 16 months. before she went (which was straight from the hospital) until now anytime it comes up I have always talk as if it is temporary, and that seems to reassure her. After 16 months she thinks it has been a couple of weeks. I don't think that works for everyone. You know him best but remember to deal with as he is not how you would have before. It is hard to not talk to them as you have for your whole relationship.
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Dear Katcat, It is no use talking to him about placement. He is never going to agree and he probably isn't going to remember what you have said. My DH went from the hospital to a rehab to memory care. It was still very difficult. Tell him you are taking him out to lunch and work with the memory care folks so that they can get him settled and distracted. They are masters at this. Get their advice and stick to it.
Just a pre-emptive heads up about this. There comes a point where you know you just can't do it anymore and both your sanity and physical health are in serious risk. Still, you will feel guilty, sad and, if you aren't already, you will feel depressed. Get help from you doctor and an experienced therapist. Thirty percent of caregivers die from the duration of the disease.
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I didn't discuss it with DH, I just brought him to MC for lunch one day and let the staff take over. He has been there for 10 1/2 months so far.
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how has he done so far? What are you telling him?
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how has it been for you? Has your husband adjusted.
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Time travels for PWD, so they may feel they have been there "forever" after a week and a month later think they arrived the night before.
Their brains are ever changing so there probably won't a "all adjusted and happy now "stage — safety for them is the goal and survival for the caregiver. While you won't be there 24/7 having you to advocate for them is valuable .
This video may help .
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I had discussed with my dh that I couldn't care for him alone any more, but when it came time I just put him in the car and took him. Once we'd gotten in, he realized it was long-term care and wanted to leave. He was pretty angry. After that I waited a couple of weeks to come see him and he had settled in. I could take him out every week and he seemed content enough to go back. He was a little concerned about the money—he said he'd heard it cost "almost a thousand dollars a month!" but I didn't really discuss that and he liked it there. The staff all like him and he likes most of the people.
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when I had to place my DH due to my cancer diagnosis, the facility helped me. My daughter & I took him to lunch there. We told him that we were having lunch with my daughter’s friend who worked there. After we were seated at the table each of us excused ourselves and left. I took his things and dropped them off that afternoon. I did not go in. The nurse explained to him that he needed to stay there while I went in the hospital, and she distracted him. At the recommendation of the nurse, I waited 2 weeks before I visited. He had settled in and was happy to see me. I went at meal time so he was distracted. He did ask to go home and I just said when the doctor said so. He accepted that. When I left after visiting, I did not say goodbye, I just quietly left and told the nurse I was leaving so she could distract him with ice cream. Placing him in MC was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I did it for him to make sure he was well cared for. Hugs. 💜
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I am so sorry to hear of your experience. I would literally die from an overwhelming sense of betrayal and self-imposed guilt
My mom is currently in an IL facility. She absolutely loves her apartment and has expressed she does not want to undertake another move.
I already spoke with the facility's sales rep about whether they will force me to move her due to any future deterioration. If they will make me move her into their AL/MC building. They said "No!"
I am simply praying that she does not outlive her assets.💔
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I am in a similar boat. I will be signing the contract for MC on Monday. We’ve been on this trek for over 10 years. I feel guilty, but I know it will be better for both of us. It’s been a tough week - We just had our 40th wedding anniversary and now we are going to transition apart. I am worried about getting him settled, but I keep reminding myself that he already doesn’t know me or our kids most of the time, so I am hoping his short memory will make it easy on him. I really appreciate everyone’s stories of their experiences!
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@Katcat
Your DH likely has anosognosia and no awareness that he even requires care. And even if he did recognize it, he has likely lost the empathy of how you are being impacted. It's about him now, which is why I'm a big fan of the video "weareallunique" posted.
If you'd decide it's time for your DH to join a memory care community, it's past time. Given your inability to get him to shower and shave, one could argue that a team of trained professionals could provide better care than he's allowing you to. This was part of what drove dad's placement.
I wouldn't show my hand, I would pull the trigger on placement and make it happen. With dad, who was vehemently against "a home" to the point he refused to do any estate planning or create a POA document, we didn't say anything in advance. Mom and I took him to the MCF at "snack time" (I picked a day they were doing ice cream sundaes), telling him it was a new doctor's office. The activities director swooped off with him and when we visited the next day, we told him the new doctor had ordered PT so we found this nice rehab with private rooms.
TBH, I didn't expect dad to settle as easily as he did. He was really angry for about 2 weeks but we stuck to the rehab story making it the doctor's decision when he could come home and by the end of the month he was completely settled in.@JulietteBee
I would take anything a sales rep says with a big old grain of salt. They're like used car salesmen— whatever it takes to make the sale.
A decision about a move would likely be made by Director of Nursing of the MCF side of things. If she remains pleasant, you're doing all the support/caregiving and she's not a risk to herself or others, they may allow things to continue. I would have a robust Plan B in place, just in case as you are a fall or UTI from things going sideways. They might not force her to go to their MCF, but they could still ask her to leave or not renew her lease if it's IL. Since they're not responsible for her care, they could also involve APS.
It may never come to a move, I do hope not, but if it does remember that you are not doing this to her, dementia is.
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Thank you for your response and reassurance.
I never thought that it could be a sales pitch to get us in. Wow! Thankfully it wasn't.
Since she has been there, I've now seen how they implement their policy. He told me that if I found her private caregivers, on my own, the person/s had to be rigorously vetted by the IL facility. They are serious about "no weapons" and no criminal history. If I opt to hire through an agency, I had to give the agency the IL facility's security agreement paperwork for the agency to attest to the fact that all the IL facility's listed criterion had been met.
If it was not possible for me to keep her in the IL building, I would not have moved her. Not being aligned with this group at the time, I now see where I was obviously very naive.
Plan B: I do not have. I don't even see any other available option. What I have is a whole lot of tears and anxiety. I also have an intense hatred for what this disease plans to do with my mom and me before it final rips her from my sight.
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I am doing it but there is assessment etc. room being painted. And I will be just doing it on date they tell me. In meantime I was talking to him about it. Thinking my words would reach him somehow but no. No more talking. Sad.
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Yes he adjusted. I didn't visit for the first five nights, but after that was able to visit without him asking to leave. My DH is always disoriented so he thinks he is at different places. He has progressed in his dementia since last year so there are a whole new set of problems. There is no way I could keep him at home.
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hi. I’m sorry and will say a prayer for you. I keep thinking is now the right time. But it has to be because I’m out of steam. And it’s only going to get worse. This is terrible what we have to go through. Thx for your input. Have a blessed day.
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I placed my DH in 6 weeks ago. I didn’t tell him in advance. I did take him to lunch at the facility (it has assisted living restaurant) a couple of times. The day of , after he was dressed, I told him we got in on a cancellation for our hardwood floors to be refinished so we had to move into a hotel for a few days.
the build up to the move was the worst time for me. There were days when I thought I could keep him home longer, and days when I wanted to take him right then.
It’s been a difficult transition for DH but also confirmed I made the right decision for us. He is safe and has a regular schedule. I have some guilt but lots of relief. Good luck. Nothing is easy with this disease.5 -
thx for responding. I have a knot in my stomach until this all happens. I have long term insurance so waiting. I feel same. Am I doing right thing. Should I wait. But how much longer. When he begins to wander. It will only get worse. Stay strong.
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thx! Best of luck to you as well
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Today I placed my DH in memory care. It is an excellent place that is all memory care. He was fine when my son and I left, we didn't tell him we were going and the staff whisked him away to show him things (including his room filled with his stuff and he didn't ask how that happened) and to meet people….we'd told him we were going to tour the facility…he was introduced to some nice male residents that were about at his level and he has missed male companionship since his lack of executive function makes it hard for ordinary folks to relate and interact, but these guys were all operating on the same level and they had a nice visit. Many of the staff sat and visited with him and said he was a very nice man. That reassured me. Lately at home besides the constant refrain of wanting a job and a car he's been very depressed and talking about how useless he is and he should die… so I was able to see how much more they can give him with the engaged staff, the other residents, and the activities and programs they offer. By this evening the easy time had passed and the staff reported he was having a hard time, refusing to eat and searching "for a door out." But I was assured that his reaction was not atypical…and most settle in within 5 or 6 days. I'm not to visit him for two weeks but I can come to see how he's doing and call to get reports. The week leading up to this placement I took him to all our favorite places and although he enjoyed it I was the one remembering that we had a good time in our past visits…anyway I do know this placement is best for him and me as well and I hope eventually I will stop feeling guilty. When he was doing well at first I did have the strong belief that I was actually doing it for him not to him and the physical symptoms I'd been having (upset stomach, leaden feeling in heart and so forth) eased up and haven't come back all the way although some depression is back. I am so grateful to have the stories and insights from others as we all separately and together live through our loved ones having this awful disease.
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My DH is in similar condition but I can not afford memory care and have to keep him at home. I am so disappointed in the memory care options for him. They all involved assisted living spaces that are much larger than he would be able to manage, which is also part of the reason that they are unaffordable. At any rate as others have said it is probably best if you don't discuss it with him.
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after having a knot in my stomach for days and giving doctor forms. Being assessed by facility to find out the insurance doesn’t cover entire amount. Therefore no memory care. It’s outrageously expensive. I will try for in home care. And both doctors said hubby not ready for memory care. It’s a good thing I thought to ask insurance what they reimburse me. And the nurse who assesses from insurance company only assesses once hubby is living there. That means should insurance deny I’d be stuck paying a lot of money for nothing. I’m glad my doctor called me this morning. Thx all for your thoughts.
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I suggest you take the LTC policy and the Doctor's notes to an elder law attorney. Find out exactly what is needed to get the policy to pay .
Is there a time deductible? Can medicaid apply? At 82 what are the chances he'll ever collect?
Would having your Doctor say you aren't able to provide 24/7 oversight which dementia care giving demands help get coverage ?
That what gets lost in all this, care giving isn't just cutting up the food or picking out clothes it is having to calmly play act everything is fine while watching another person, a person we love , 24/7 while their mind does unpredictable and increasing irrational things. It is lonely and stressful . Don't forget you can talk to someone over the Alz Assoc help line.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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