Dad with zero short term memory in nursing home

Mav2126

My dad has zero short term memory and just got put in a nursing home. He is desparate to get out and see family members visiting every day. Bottom line is I get 10-15 phone calls every day stating he is miserable and needs to see a family member. I can't visit every day because I am over an hour away. I just feel guilty not answering his 10-15 calls because I can't possibly answer all of them and I know he is just doing that because he forgets he calls within minutes after placing a call thus the repetitive calls all day. I just can't bear to think that this could go on for years.

sandwichone123

Visiting every day wouldn't help. He needs time to build relationships with the staff and other residents. Set his ringtone to silent and call him back once a day when it works for you. If he's been there for a few weeks, you can start visiting once or twice a week if it works for your schedule. You are not responsible for his care—that's what you're paying the staff for.

Most adults don't visit their parents every day or week. We don't need to start when they can no longer remember it anyway. We need to visit often enough to know that they are receiving adequate care, but we can't guarantee that they will be happy or not have moments of discontent.

Quilting brings calm

The staff will call you if he actually needs you. Answer the calls once a day. Or call him once a day. This incessant calling is common.

terei

‘Break’ the phone + take it away to be ‘fixed’. If there is an emergency, you will be contacted.

CKWC

My mother’s Alzheimer’s dementia has progressed from mild to moderate. I finally had to take her number from my emergency break through list and silence the phone at night or during meetings at work. Anyone who needs to contact me because of an emergency is still on that list and I still call my mother everyday. It was not easy to make that decision but attempts to ask mom not to call me just because a pen was misplaced did not work at all.

Jarmac

Receiving constant calls is very upsetting. My ex-partner has MCI. We no longer live together. He will text me or call me over 100 times per day with the same comments and questions. This has been happening for 6 months. I have blocked him on my iPhone. I will occasionally take the block off the texts to see if has changed his behavior. In addition to repetition, I think this is an obsession with him.

Mav2126

Jarmac that is terrible. I sympathize for you.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248902#Comment_248902

he can’t change his behavior. He can’t reason. He probably doesn’t even remember texting or calling. Very common with dementia. So sorry.

lisn2cats

This sounds so familiar. Before moving to AL, my mom would call/text all day, at all hours. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Even after moving, she would call and text me; and if she couldn't reach me, she'd have the staff call me (or pretend to call me). If she couldn't get a hold of me, she'd get agitated and her mind would slip - sometimes making up a new reality that never made sense (the AL staff were keeping her from water, they were locking in her room, she was a prisoner, they took all her stuff, etc.).

We're lucky. Her AL team is amazing and they've been teaching/counseling me at the same time. So much of her calling was due to high anxiety (Zoloft is helping). They explained how I had become her lifeline now that my dad has passed. She was so lost and confused, her memory issues weren't helping, and so many changes were happening all at once. Fast forward…the staff regularly engages her and gently redirects her attention when she feels anxious so she now relies on them for attention. They also gave me "permission" to block her if I needed because they will contact me if necessary. (I guess I needed someone to tell me it's ok not to respond every time she calls. OMG, it's a game-changer.)

It's taking a while but she's so much better. Nowadays, she waits until I initiate calls and I keep our conversations to about 15 minutes. We've been going on weekly "dates" - drives around the neighborhood. lunch or early dinner, etc.). Our next step is to slowly increase the number of days between visits. It's not all kittens and unicorns, but it's not a dark abyss anymore either.

Every person/situation is different. For us, I could never take away her phone - it's her only connection to the outside world, which she still needs (she loves when her friends call/text her). We all just use that block function when/if we need to and make sure we reach out to her regularly (but on our schedule).

I feel for you. I hope you find a solution that works.

Mav2126

Thanks so much for your response Lisn2cats. It helps that I am not alone. Just as an update he has stopped his calling/texting. My mother moved into the nursing home with home. He still crys and gets upset occasionally but the incessant calling/texting has stopped. I am so glad my Mom is with him. That has made a huge difference. He is not panicking anymore and does not feel abandoned. Whew. What a relief.

TammyTyler

My 96 year old grandmother lives with me. She is now Advanced Alzheimer’s and recently admitted to in home Hospice. Her care during the day is very doable BUT the night is extremely difficult. Clearly, sun downing. I can not keep her in the bed at night. She can not ambulate due to weakness and lack of balance. So must be transferred to wheelchair during the day.

Night problem: tries to get out of bed, demanding, will fall, increase confusion, ie: say she has to get the kids ready for school. Things I am doing: hospital bed in low position, side rails up, turning, Ativan, Tylenol, much reassurance and comforting. Any other ideas?

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249045#Comment_249045

Tammy: You will get more replies by posting this as a separate post with a subject. I would ask the hospice nurse about different medication to try to keep her in bed. It’s common for people with dementia to get up and wander at night. If the medication doesn’t work you may need a caregiver for her at night so you can sleep. That’s one reason many people place their loved ones in a memory care facility where they have 24/7 care. I know it’s exhausting.