Where has my husband gone? Loss…

Cathy coconis

I find myself asking that question often. He’s here physically, but he is not the man that he was when I married him. I feel so sad today. Yet it doesn’t bother him as much since he doesn’t even realize how much he’s changed.

he’s inside the grocery store while I’m waiting in the car because I just don’t have the patience to shop with him. He’s soo slow, wandering aimlessly, but really wants to still do some things. He’s safe because I’m watching the door where he comes out.

I’ve taken over all else, it feels strange to remove him from most of his previous responsibilities, esp finances. He acts ok with it but sometimes just looks so lost. Sometimes we can joke about the situation but as our communication continues to break down, I have to just nod my head when I have no idea what he’s talking about.

I just want to hear from other caregivers about this feeling of loss and sadness.

Jgirl57

(((Hugs))) yes, it is sad and lonely. There will come a time when your DH will not be able to the shopping and you will figure out the next step . For us it’s curbside pick up.
I no longer initiate conversation because it goes awry quickly. It is a loss

Cathy coconis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248023#Comment_248023

thank you for your support and hugs. We do primarily use curbside pickup for groceries. So true about conversations- I still feel angry sometimes when my DH doesn’t reply to me. Then I go “Oh that’s right. He has Alz” it sounds silly but I just think he’s ignoring me, and feel hurt. I have to keep reminding myself to keep everything in perspective.

I’m sorry you’re going through this also

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73512/where-has-my-husband-gone-loss

yes it’s lonely and sad. It’s called anticipatory grief. You grieve for what you’ve lost and the future that won’t happen. You become a nurse and he becomes your patient. You no longer have a companion. Grief comes in waves. Things trigger it. Like a new behavior that comes up unexpectedly. Someone on this forum said there is a technique called “thought stopping” that helps. I use it but it’s not easy. We understand how you feel. Sending hugs. 💜

Cathy coconis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248051#Comment_248051

thanks so much SDianeL! What a kind response, esp the ‘we understand how you feel’ part. It’s good to share with others.

JDancer

Pauline Boss writes about this in her book Ambiguous Loss. It's a difficult form of grief because there's no ritualized validation associated with it. My husband is gone, yet he's still here.

I could never trust him alone in a store at this stage (6)

RonofPenn

I feel like I am losing the love of my life, piece by piece, bit by bit. So happy for whatever good times come along, but increasingly saddened as irrational false memories become obsessions that take over her mind for hours. We had so many wonderful years that I treasure immensely. Our house caught fire when a careless neighbor caught his on fire a year ago. The relocation and adjustments of the last year I think have aggravated the whole thing. I get lonely many times when she obsesses about the fire and imagined conversations with people involved or drawn into her stories of threats and nosiness. We shared so much and respected each other so much.

SDianeL

you are not alone. We know how you feel. If you haven’t yet, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my DH diagnosis. Delusions and hallucinations are common. If she has anxiety or agitation, ask her doctor for medications to help. She’s lucky to have you. So sorry you are going through this. 💜🙏