The denial worsens

prock

Hi, new to the group. My Dad was diagnosed 3 years ago. My Mom is showing early signs and we know we are in early stages. She is currently a caregiver. After a Doctor visit, it was determined she has memory loss but stage unknown. Bloodwork and MRI. She refuses to do anything. The MRI is scheduled for this Sunday. There is no reasoning with her. She is combative and agitated. She says she has it and we can deal with it.

How do I go forward? We worry about Dad. We had in home VA and she hated it, had a family intervention, refused to listen. Makes up stories so we don’t know what is going on.

It’s early so unless you knew or are around her it’s not always apparent.

H1235

Has she appointed a DPOA? This is very important! If she hasn’t, I would suggest bringing it up in a very casual way. Do NOT point out her symptoms and the urgency. Suggest it is something that needs to be done to prepare. If you already have a DPOA for her and your dad, I think it’s time to figure out how they are going to be cared for and make it happen. If you don’t have a DPOA and you feel ther is no possible way she will sign one, then you will need guardianship. This is more expensive and time consuming. See and elder law attached for all of this. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to reason with her and get her to understand. People with dementia often have anosognosia. It the inability to recognize their own symptoms or even their limitations. It’s awful! If you sat and talked with my mom you might not even know there is anything wrong. But her ability to plan, organize, pay bills, empathize, and use logic and reasoning has been drastically effected. She thinks she is capable of doing things that would be dangerous for her. There are very few people with dementia that will actually say “my symptoms are getting worse I need more care or thanks for explaining, now I understand why you want me to go to assisted living”. The number one rule is never try to reason with a person with dementia. It will never work. The alternative is excuses, fiblets and diversions. Tell her Medicare requires this test or she will loose her insurance or make up some other story you think she may buy into. Yes it’s being dishonest and that can be difficult, but she will get the tests she needs and it will hopefully reduce her stress and anxiety over everything and get her the diagnosis you need. In my opinion that makes it worth it. If the mri is just impossible, talk to the doctor. How important is the test. There is not much they can do anyway (sorry). It sounds to me like they both need care in a facility, maybe memory care for your dad and assisted living for you mom. There are places that have two different wings. You are the one that needs to make this happen, don’t wait for your mom to agree, it won’t happen. Facilities can have a waiting list, so I wouldn’t wait. Keep an eye on their finances! The ability to manage money is often one of the first signs. She is also a target for scammers. Not bringing up her symptoms and avoiding trying to reason with her may help keep her a bit more calm, but there is also medication that may help. It can take a bit to find the right medication and the correct dose. I’ve attached a staging tool that may be helpful.

DBAT 4.pdf

SDianeL

welcome. What H1235 said. Fibbing is your friend. Take control. She will be angry. That’s unavoidable. Let her. The important thing is that your parents are safe and well cared for. Does the VA have a MC facility near you? My DH got great care at a VA MC facility. They have a Social Worker who may help. I would move them both into a facility. Fib about the reason. Broken AC, roof needs repaired, etc. Fib about the tests. Insurance requires it. Routine. Don’t talk about dementia. Just a routine scan to make sure things are OK. Let the doctor know the fib. We know how difficult this will be for you. You’re not doing it to them, you are doing it for them.