DH now in MC - give it time-update

hiya

I moved my DH into MC late May. He is early stage 6. I got him there by saying our hardwood floors were being refinished and we are staying in a hotel.
The first 6 weeks were absolutely awful. Highs and lows but mainly lows. He went from being continent to incontinent. He refused to eat. DH went from going in and out of residents rooms trying to escape to trying to kick residents out as it’s his house. Lots of med adjustments. I decided to let him go back one day a week to church respite which he loved. I thought could it make his experience any worse? Against MC advice I did it. Friends picked him up and returned him. He had a great time. I think he has finally turned a corner. Eating and gaining weight, not constantly trying to escape. Back to being continent. He has definitely declined overall but seems to be settled as much as can be expected. My life is so much easier and enjoyable. I didn’t realize the amount of stress I was under. I know things can change but for now I’m enjoying the peace.

My advice is if you feel it’s time, try it. It’s tough, emotional but safety is important. Give it time. Expect craze. Let them adjust meds. Go with your gut. I hope those ready to place will know give it time and it may just work out.

You all do an amazing job

M5M

Hiya, thanks for the report. I am not there yet but I try to imagine how I will handle the anguish in making that placement. Best wishes!

annie51

I am seriously thinking about MC and appreciate your post. My DH is mid stage 6. I guess we never know how well they will adjust, or how we will, for that matter.
May I ask…are you visiting or are you staying away for a period of time?

cdgbdr

I'm happy to see your update. This is in our future at some point.

Biggles

Same as M5M not there yet, don’t want to be there but recognise it’s exhausting doing what we do.

SDianeL

thanks for the update. Glad he’s settled in.

Jo124c

My DH entered memory care last Tuesday. He is struggling greatly. The first day was fairly ok, then he started refusing to eat or drink and tries to escape and is very angry. My gentle guy has been aggressive with caregivers and has developed a confabulation about my son (his step-son of almost 50 years) that he and some others stole things from the house to bring to his room in the facility and says he wants to kill him. I have visited him 4 times, once at the request of staff and my presence does calm him somewhat, but he gets agitated when I leave and it doesn't seem to matter if I leave without saying goodbye or tell him a fiblet about why I have to leave. He cycles from crying to anger with an urgency to talk about the confabulation. It doesn't matter that the stuff he says they stole is in his room. The nurses have asked me to talk to him on the phone and that helps a bit. When I talked to him today he was calm and glad to hear from me, but as I said goodbye he started crying again and the staff reports he isn't eating or drinking again today. The doctor is coming tomorrow and I am hopeful he will give him some medication that will allow him to calm down, feel less abandoned and depressed and eventually take advantage of the programs, walks and trips. The director has said for me not to come back until this weekend. I know it's been only a week but his personality and behavior are unlike any way he's been before. I miss him so much. I know he needs to be there and I need respite, but it is tough. Thanks for the reports of what it's like after things get better.

hiya

@annie51

I stayed away for 10 days initially. They did call several times for me to talk to DH and try to calm him down, take meds or get showered. After a couple of minutes on each call, I knew I couldn’t change his mind so just told him “I get it, let’s wait until tomorrow’, that seemed enough to calm though not solve the problem.
I visit now 2-3 times a week. Visiting has become more enjoyable for both of us now as he seems to have turned a corner. He still asks to go home and I tell him yes next week and that seems to satisfy him and we move on. It’s a process and I’m glad the early weeks are over and DH seems more settled.

SiberianIris

Thank you for this thread - it is very helpful. My mom is on the waiting list for MC, and I will be navigating this road soon.

upstateAnn

My DH is five weeks into memory care. It had become unsustainable at home with me as sole caregiver. My daughter leveled with me and said she was more afraid of losing me than of losing her dad. No sleep, constant stress, never a calm moment — many of you have been there. It is generally going well, but there is pushback. Tonight he hung up on me when I told him I would not pick home. What comforts me is that I know he would do the same if it were I. He is safe, and I am regaining my health and balance. Be kind to yourself.