How can I utilize the medical system to physically move mom to a facility

bugujo

I am an unable to sleep regarding my mom's dementia and steady decline. It has been deemed by the neurologist provider, that she needs a higher level of care which I have known for sometime now. I am a nurse, but, am the daughter in this situation. My brother has been staying nights with her for over 2 months now but still works a FT job and leaves around 3:30 a.m. We have had a caregiving agency caregiver come for about 15-20 hrs/wk. She refuses to shower, claiming she already does, doesn't wear her hearing aides, does not perform oral care which led to the extraction of 3 teeth, including one that was abscessed. She is incontinent frequently and has been beligerent about wearing incontinence products, is delusional, etc. on and on and on.

We had a plan in place several weeks ago to distract mom while the other person got furniture moved etc. into a facility. She did select a room but continued and continues to be beligerent and regarding going. She even threatened harming herself which led me to call the police for advice. She has since been placed on Prozac for depression. My brother backed out because he couldn't be part of the distraction or anything else to move mom.

I finally put my foot down with my brother and said mom needs to go. He still says he won't be a part of the process. He just wants alerted as to when she has moved. He agrees with me that she does need to be admitted and that he too is at the end of his rope. I contacted the facility where there are rooms available.
However, due to the care giver notes I read yesterday, I wondered if I can't take her to the ER and explain everything including all of the things we have tried etc. and basically get their help with moving her there. I wouldn't walk out and abandon her, but essentially, tell them we can't physically do it.

harshedbuzz

Can you privately hire medical transport and have her moved?

I wouldn't sweat the furniture. If the facility doesn't offer any, you could furnish the room with IKEA or a thrift store. It's going to get beat up anyway. Once she's settled, you could swap her stuff in.

HB

easy23

I asked the MC and they had furniture for my husband's room. When I moved my DH to memory care I told him that we were going to lunch with some people that he knows. I never discussed it in advance.

When we got to the dining room of the MC the staff took him to a table with some other people. I left and didn't visit for 5 days.

I like the idea of hiring medical transport.

cdgbdr

I don't know what was in the notes, but if she's a threat to self or others, you could try the ER and let them know you cannot care for her safely at home. She might warrant a geriatric psych stay to adjust medications. It sounds like she would benefit from the right combination of meds.

H1235

Welcome. If you can take her to the er, why can’t you take her directly to the facility? We will be moving my mom to a cnf soon (her money is gone) and I expect to face similar challenges, with both my mom and my brother. Here is what I’m thinking if my brother fails to step up and help. I visit mom and invite her to lunch. After lunch I drive her to the facility. I’m hoping staff there will help me get her out of the car if that’s an issue. I’m slightly concerned she might become violent (she hasn’t yet, but she is going to be furious). I guess I cross my fingers and hope for the best. Once I drop her off I will drive back to her current Al and pick up the things she will need. The cnf comes with a bed. I will need to bring a dresser, clothes and her chair. Even if your moms new room is empty, staff should be able to entertain her for a bit while you move her things. There must be some common area where she can sit while you do the move. You might also be able to sneak some things out of her house in advance, bring unused items from your house or ikea as harshedbuzz suggested. I imagine my mom will be very angry with me and I don’t expect that to change as time passes. My brother will be the perfect child that does no wrong , since he was not involved in the move, but that’s life. Sometimes things just aren’t fair. Brothers 🙄. I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

bugujo

Thank you all, I will look into medical transport. The level of care she was assessed for by the facility director was Residential Care, a step down from AL but not MC or LTC. However, that could change??? I am going to speak with a care consultant from here as I have previously. Back in November it was suggested that I call Adult Protective Services and report Self Neglect. At that time I wasn't ready, today, I AM!!!

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248779#Comment_248779

I would be careful reporting her. If you are the DPOA they may hold you responsible for not seeing that she gets the proper care.

SDianeL

I would move your Mom to memory care now so she doesn’t have to move again. Medical transport might work and tell her the place is rehab ( don’t tell her it’s MC) and tell her it’s temporary and that her doctor ordered it.

Anonymousjpl123

agree with others re: furniture - truly, truly don’t worry about it! I would make the arrangements and tell her you are going there for lunch. They will take it from there. In her situation, less is more. I just told my mom I found somewhere better. She flipped out when we got there - it was awful for me, so jarring and sad - but she has truly settled in and I’ve never looked back. After a few minutes of her begging me not to leave and me feeling crap, they guided me out. Within a week she was saying it was great.

That may not happen - this was our 2nd MC - but just do what’s easiest re: the move. That had never failed me.