Obsession with winter clothes

lisn2cats

While my mom has finally adjusted to her new home in AL, and is actually doing a million times better than I could have ever hoped, she is obsessed with going back to her house to get her winter clothes. She knows is summer and she understands it's nearly 100 degrees outside, but she keeps telling me she has to have her winter clothes because it's winter.

I know that this is not the end of the world or even all that important. Like, does it matter if she wants all of her winter clothes? The thing is, her room is small and even if I brought in 3 dressers, all of her clothes are not going to fit. (She also has anxiety over not enough underwear - despte having 72 underpants of varying styles.) Plus, having too many piece of furniture, storage benches, etc. is going to become a hazard for her.

I've even packed 2 suitcases of what I thought would be enough winter garments but, nope, she needs it all. Is this a thing? I can't keep hauling stuff to her, and I don't want to get into the habit of taking her home whenever she thinks she needs something. I've put her off for 5 weeks but now she brings it every single time I talk with her. Apparently, while she forgets what she ate 10 minutes ago, when she wants to remember something and makes the effort, she won't let it go. What would you do?

SDianeL

welcome. I would fib. Tell her that’s all of them or they are being cleaned. I’ll bring them next time? Repeat as necessary. I would not take her to the house anymore. Make up a fib why not. Is she in AL or MC? Obsessions are common. Someone here posted “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.” So no need to try. So fibs are your friend. And Try distraction or redirection when she brings it up.

H1235

I can very much relate to this. My mom wants things from her house because she is a hoarder. Sdianel suggestion is a good one if you can get away with it. My mom would know it was not true. I sometimes change the subject ( but she knows what I’ve done and gets upset) or tell her I’m sorry I don’t have the time today (doesn’t work) I have just told her I will not be bringing her back to her house ( she gets mad and tries to argue). My mom doesn’t have the memory loss that most do so this makes things more difficult. I have heard that hoarding can be a dementia symptom. Not sure if that could be what you’re dealing with, but it is awful.

harshedbuzz

@lisn2cats

It's great that your mom is adjust well to her new home. You've obviously made a good choice for her.

A couple of thoughts on the clothing. I don't think so much that she's capable of "making the effort" to remember her clothing, but that it's baked into who she is. With dementia, sometimes the person becomes "more" of what/who they were prior. It's also said that topics that hold strong emotional content are held to the point of obsessing versus more mundane subjects. With dad, he was laser focused on not being able to drive until the day he died but he couldn't tell you if he had lunch or what was served.

At this point, the clothing has likely become a trigger to help her recall her discontent. She sees some that you brought and is reminded there are more. She may be using the topic as 4-year-old might wheedle a parent to get what she wants— more clothing and a trip home.

In your shoes, I might take the winter stuff out while she's at lunch or an activity. She may still talk about it, but staff won't have to deal with it if she's dressed inappropriately.

One of the men in my old support group had a wife who was obsessed and difficult around her vast wardrobe. He had her granddaughter create a series of capsule wardrobes in totes her could store and bring her one each week. GD put together a dress, tops and pants, PJs, shoes, undies and all the accessories (scarves, costume jewelry, handbag) so everything went together in each tote. DW reacted like it was a present or visit from old friends each week. DH packed it all away for the laundry on Saturday night and delivered her a new one. For them this worked really well even after she went into the MCF at their CCRC.

HB

lisn2cats

@harshedbuzz I think you're right - even when I bring her clothes, she does remember she has more (sometimes the minute details she's able to recall with some things is kind of scary! She can even tell me where in her wardrobe things are located but she can't tell me where she left her shoe - yes, one shoe - 2 minutes ago). I like the idea of rotating "capsules". I can incorporate a fiblet and tell her I'm getting some clothes dry cleaned, etc.

@H1235 The brain is so complicated. My mom is still sharp enough to figure out some fiblets and distraction techniques, then she gets mad and says things like "do you think I'm stupid just because I'm old?" or "I'm not that forgetful that I don't know what you're doing." I think she is still on that in-between line….she does have early Alzheimer's and is forgetting how to do certain things a little more frequently. But then, again, she also has periods of pretty impressive mental sharpness where she can hold a full conversation for a long period time without forgetting what was recently said.

I guess, in the end, the winter clothing thing isn't a big deal as long as I can rotate stuff out so she's not tripping over clothes and/or bags. I'll also have to address, with her, that she cannot navigate 2 flights of stairs to her bedroom and I would have to hire someone to help her (she hates that and usually results in her not wanting to continue).

Love this community! It's sadly comforting to know I'm not the only one who is trying to navigate the best for their LOs. Also love the advice and ideas. Stay strong!

sandwichone123

I don't suggest addressing the stairs and her limitations. This is a great time for a fiblet: her street flooded, the A/C is out, you're getting new carpet, something. The key is to have a reason that she can't go home "now" that will satisfy her. She doesn't believe that she can't do things—she just thinks you're not letting her, so it makes her angry. Fiblets help.

harshedbuzz

@lisn2cats

I agree with sandwichone on this.

"I'll also have to address, with her, that she cannot navigate 2 flights of stairs to her bedroom and I would have to hire someone to help her (she hates that and usually results in her not wanting to continue)."

The first rule of Dementia Fight Club is that one should never attempt to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. She's beyond addressing at this point. She likely has anosognosia and is completely unable unaware that she is impaired cognitively (and needs supervision in the form of an aide) or physically (and can't climb/isn't safe in a 3-story home).

It's best to come up with a fiblet that takes the responsibility away from you that you can repeat as often as is necessary. The sewer main is under repair, the house is tented for termites or being painted, the doctor wants her in the AL for medical attention.

HB

ReineckeB

I also agree with not addressing the stairs. It makes it harder for them to discuss the things they cant do anymore. I learned that on this forum actually! My Mom will talk over and over about the things she left behind at her old homes. She will tell me she is missing something that she hasn't had in years. She will look for it and get frustrated. I usually find it best to distract her when she becomes insistent like that. It helps most of the time. I used to try to tell her the whole story about how she moved to my house and left things behind, but that would lead to more obsession and sometimes irritation or sadness. I don't argue with her about anything she says. I go with it. I don't tell her she is wrong if I can help it. I just redirect her. It sounds like that would be tiresome, but really it is better than trying to bring her to reality. She cant grasp it the way she used to. My mom was super independent and basically ran our home and now she has trouble remembering simple things. It is so hard to see! I am so with you there! It has helped for her to have something to focus on. She has a handheld scrabble game that she can play by herself and she plays solitaire. It helps her to do something familiar and I think it is good for her brain. When she gets obsessive I will make sure she has something to do to occupy her attention. Anyway, all that to say, I am here with you! I am quietly watching the mother I knew drift away and it is horrible. I am so glad she does have good days and times when we can talk and still connect. I love having her near me! Even though it is exhausting at times.