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Moving Mom to Memory Care

clarkjuliea64
clarkjuliea64 Member Posts: 6
First Comment
Member

Hello, just needing some help on how in the world we're going to get my mom to go to a memory care facility. My brother has talked to her about it, but she refuses to go. Since my dad passed she has become very attached to her dogs and I have found some MC facilities that accept dogs. I know she would be much happier there, with her dog, because she is very bored here at home. She will make friends and have many activities to be a part of. From past questions I have posted, I know it's best to not contact her for a couple weeks, but I just don't know how to logistically do this. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to walk in with her and walk out without her. Thank you.

Comments

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,054
    500 Insightfuls Reactions 500 Likes 1000 Comments 500 Care Reactions
    Member

    No need to talk to her about it. She won’t understand. Many on this forum have used fibs. The facility has Social Workers & nurses that will help you. One fib is to go to lunch. You may have to leave without saying goodbye. That was how I got my DH to go. My daughter went with us. The second fib is blame the doctor. The doctor ordered rehab, PT, etc. A third option is that the house needs repairs or the AC doesn’t work and she needs to stay there until it’s fixed. Be sure to inform the nurse what fib you used so they can reinforce. Remember you’re not doing this to her, you’re doing it for her. So she will receive the best care possible. Hugs. 💜

  • Anonymousjpl123
    Anonymousjpl123 Member Posts: 814
    250 Care Reactions 500 Comments 100 Likes Second Anniversary
    Member

    Agreed. I would say - even though it’s copy counterintuitive - Less is often more in these situations. When you find a place you feel very comfortable with, I would make the arrangements and give mom very little notice, if any. I would tell her it’s temporary. Depending on her situation, you can blame it on home repairs, medical condition that needs to be fixed, anything that you think she might buy.

    alternatively, you can go the harder route, which I did. At the point I was involved Adult protective services had already been involved and many others. We had discussed her having someone come in to help, or her moving. She said no to all of it. After a crisis (which is often the deciding factor) I just said “mom, this is what we’ve got to do. I’ll be near you. You won’t be alone.” It was a very difficult process but it got easier and I can’t believe it but 3 years later she’s doing ok - as ok as can be.

    Don’t worry about getting it perfect. There’s no perfect in these situations. What you need to focus on is getting her safe.

  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 554
    500 Comments 100 Care Reactions 100 Likes 25 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Agree with all of the above. Also realize that you may get some resistance from family members or friends who disagree with your choice to move her or who just don't understand the degree of her impairments and the safety needs that she has. Her needs will only increase as the disease progresses. Don't let guilt or second-guessers stop you from doing what you have determined is the right thing for your mom. It sounds like you and your brother are on the same page - that is a huge blessing to have sibling support.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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