MC decision

annie51

I began visiting MC facilities as my Plan B to be ready if something happens to me. However, after seeing some very nice places I’m thinking more about the improved care he would get there and the extra freedom I’d have. DH is mid stage 6. I’ve been unsuccessful at getting him to shower (I do what I can to keep him clean in other ways); he refuses to let me in the bathroom to help him clean himself up; he’s begun wandering a bit; he’s kicked out two caregivers (seems to associate them with my being gone).

Many of you seem to manage with much worse circumstances than I have even as sole caregivers like me, so I feel sometimes like MC might be taking the easy way out (although I know it’s NOT “easy”). I don’t know how well I’d handle the guilt. I’m still going to try day care and another caregiver but if those are not successful, I don’t know how long I can handle this. I just wanted to post my thoughts and see if others have felt like this.

Vitruvius

I decided to place my DW when I could no longer care for her 24/7 without being completely exhausted. It was also the case that her care would be better at an MCF as they had trained staff, activities, great food (my culinary skills are limited) and socialization. A extra bonus, that I hadn’t expected, was that she was calmer and less anxious and agitated. I think the familiarity with our home brought to mind all of her previous routines and she could no longer quite understand what exactly they were or how to do them and this caused her stress. I know others don’t adapt to an MCF very well, but my DW adapted immediately and never once talked about coming home, she just acted like it was perfectly normal to be there. She enjoyed my visits and was untroubled by the fact that I wasn’t with her 24/7. An indication that it was not too soon for placement in her case.

When I had her at home, the obligation to care for her gave me a sort of adrenaline to power through. But once I placed her my body just seemed to collapse and I developed a serious skin condition that took months to resolve. I didn’t really realize how stressed I was until after her placement. I’m glad I did it with a plan rather having to figure it out due to some emergency.

SDianeL

glad you have your plans in place. Someone posted here that if you’re asking whether it’s time to place them, it’s time. They have 24/7 care that you can never provide unless you can get help which it doesn’t sound like you can due to his reaction. If you place him you will still be his caregiver, just in a different role. When I felt guilty about having to place my DH my daughter kept reminding me why I made the difficult decision. So if-when you place him, make a list of the reasons so you can read it if you feel guilty. Many facilities have Social Workers and support groups that can also help you. 💜

BPS

You mentioned handling the guilt. I think was the hardest part for me. It has been 16 months, and I have no doubt that it was the right time (I have always been the guy others came to when they need something not the guy that asked others to help). She was mad at me a lot of the time about delusions making it hard for anyone including family to come over. She needed help with almost everything, then she had a stroke, and I still felt guilty and second guessed myself. I think it is natural even if it doesn't make sense, so I agree with SDianel make a list to remind yourself when the house is quiet and you alone of why it was best.

tawnyport

Like you, I started looking at MC as a plan B. But I soon realized that I needed the extra assistance and that I felt DH would be happier with more people around (he is very social). I placed him last week. I’ve second guessed myself a hundred times, but I know it was the best move. He is still adjusting and so am I. I hope you find the right solution for you!

cdgbdr

@annie51

I very much relate to your situation. DH has run off 1 caregiver. I still work or I couldn't do what I do for him now. He is Stage 5 and teetering into 6. I know I will feel guilt and I ask myself everyday how impaired does he have to be to no longer be at home. I'm hoping to finish the application for my first choice MC this week so that I would have a good plan. It's hard.

Carl46

I said for years that I would place my wife when she could receive better care in MC than I could provide at home. When that time came, I did it. I was sorry for her and I missed her, but I didn't feel guilty.

If you would be better off with him in MC, and he would receive better care, is this not a win-win?

hiya

I placed my DH the end of May this year. Leading up to the move, I felt guilty: I felt I could keep him home longer. That was the hardest part for me. After placing him and looking in from the outside, I realized how much stress I was under. I now see I couldn’t have kept him home longer. This was the best decision for both of us. It’s been a struggle for him but the routine and 24 hour care is something I could not provide. I now have no doubt it was the right decision for us. Good luck

Lilydaisy

I don't think there should be any room for guilt for any of us. We are all doing the best we can in a unique situation. We share helpful ideas and experiences, but we are all driving without a map. Best wishes and congratulations on making a hard decision.

l7pla1w2

DW has been in MC since April. It was the right decision for us, and I do not feel guilty. I do feel immensely sad that she is not here at home with me, but, really, she has not been at home with me since her brain broke.